


General Chaos in the Newsies Group Chat

by SapphicPetunia



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Group Chat Fic, Instagram, It's unlikely through, John Mulaney Quotes, LGBTQ Characters, Maybe some brain cells here and there, Mostly Just Shenanigans, Multi, Some of This is Based on Real Life, Swearing, Toaster Mishaps, Various Fandom References, lettuce - Freeform, relationship drama, texting fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-01-12 06:39:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 59
Words: 39,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18441104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphicPetunia/pseuds/SapphicPetunia
Summary: What happens when all the newsies are in a group chat together? Let's find out!





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Jack: @jackthecowboy  
> David: @djacobs  
> Crutchie: @c_morris  
> Katherine: @KittyKat  
> Sarah: @Sarah_Rose_J  
> Race: @racer.higgins  
> Albert: @thecoolestguyyouknow  
> Elmer: @ElmerK  
> Buttons: @brianna.buttons  
> Romeo: @wherefore_art_thou

**New Group**

_MONDAY 5:34 PM_

_racer.higgins added jackthecowboy, djacobs, KittyKat, Sarah_Rose_J, c_morris, thecoolestguyyouknow, ElmerK, brianna.buttons, and wherefore_art_thou to group_

_racer.higgins changed group name to Ten Edgy Teens™_

thecoolestguyyouknow: Great name

thecoolestguyyouknow: But there are nine of us

_thecoolestguyyouknow changed group name to Nine Edgy Teens™_

KittyKat: Did you count yourself?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Fuck

_thecoolestguyyouknow changed group name to Ten Edgy Teens™_

thecoolestguyyouknow: Sorry race

racer.higgins: it's all god

thecoolestguyyouknow: Excuse me religious propaganda will not be tolerated in this group chat

racer.higgins: goid*

KittyKat: Now you're making no sense.

racer.higgins: SHIT

racer.higgins: GOOD*

racer.higgins: ITS ALL GOOD YOU GUYS

KittyKat: Jesus Christ, Race.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Katherine what did I just say

thecoolestguyyouknow: Your on thin fucking ice

KittyKat: You're*

thecoolestguyyouknow: Race can I kick katherine out of the chat

racer.higgins: No

thecoolestguyyouknow: Fuck you

djacobs: Really? This chat has existed for five minutes, and you're fighting already?

racer.higgins: Oh hey mom

thecoolestguyyouknow: Mom

KittyKat: Hello, Mom.

jackthecowboy: Mom

wherefore_art_thou: Mom

Sarah_Rose_J: Mom

ElmerK: Mom

c_morris: Mom

brianna.buttons: Mom

djacobs: I would like to request to be removed from the chat.

racer.higgins: Request denied


	2. The Calm Before the Storm

**Ten Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 9:42 AM_

jackthecowboy sent a photo to Ten Edgy Teens™

djacobs: Oh dear.

djacobs: Why is the table pushed over?

jackthecowboy: The teacher left the room for 0.5 seconds and race and albert were there

djacobs: I see.

KittyKat: GUYS.

jackthecowboy: YES

KittyKat: I am currently one wall away from Oscar getting yelled at by Ms. Hannah.

KittyKat: I think his father is there too.

KittyKat: This is the best day of my life.

djacobs: What happened?

KittyKat: Something to do with his behaviour in class.

KittyKat: As well as his frequent texting.

KittyKat: I think vapes were also mentioned.

jackthecowboy: Wow

KittyKat: I’m starting to wonder if Ms. Hannah knows just how thin her office walls are.

KittyKat: Also, Jack, that picture radiates chaotic energy.

 

_TUESDAY 1:49 PM_

c_morris: Jack and I just tried to play ping pong during lunch

c_morris: It's worth noting that we don't have a ping pong table or balls or paddles

Sarah_Rose_J: What did you use?

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm scared

c_morris: A stress ball and we pushed some tables in the science lab together

ElmerK: And the paddles?

c_morris: Hands

c_morris: Our own

c_morris: We did not steal hands

Sarah_Rose_J: That's reassuring

ElmerK: Innovation 10/10

 

_TUESDAY 2:18 PM_

wherfore_art_thou: I've Had A Terrible Idea

wherefore_art_thou: ASMR Porn

c_morris: Thanks! I hate it

jackthecowboy: How do u unsend someone elses message

racer.higgins: I think its a great idea

racer.higgins: how can I invest

djacobs: Everyone stop texting about porn in class.

wherfore_art_thou: Okay Mom

racer.higgins: sorry mom

 

_TUESDAY 2:32 PM_

KittyKat: A guy in my class just claimed that he couldn't do his homework “because a caterpillar crawled on the paper”.

KittyKat: Jack, that’s you.

jackthecowboy: THAT WAS LIKE ONE TIME OKAY I AM NOT COMPLETELY TERRIFIED OF CATERPILLARS ALL OF THE TIME JUST SOME OF THE TIME GOSH

jackthecowboy: On second thought ur probably right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: The ping pong thing is a 100% true story


	3. Brooklyn's Here

**Ten Edgy Teens™**

_WEDNESDAY 11:37 AM_

thecoolestguyyouknow: “Blub blub, bitch.” -Race, 2k19

brianna.buttons: ???

brianna.buttons: Context???

thecoolestguyyouknow: No

 

_WEDNESDAY 7:12 PM_

racer.higgins: Guys

racer.higgins: I have a boyfriend now

thecoolestguyyouknow: WHAT

thecoolestguyyouknow: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

brianna.buttons: Explain?

racer.higgins: You guys remember that guy I went out with like two months ago

brianna.buttons: Spot Conlon?

racer.higgins: Ye

brianna.buttons: Yeah

racer.higgins: I said it didn't work out but I lied and weve been on like twelve dates

thecoolestguyyouknow: DUDE

thecoolestguyyouknow: WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO US

racer.higgins: Because you guys are always up in my business

racer.higgins: Specifically you

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im offended

racer.higgins: Anyway weve been seeing each other for a while and now were telling people so i guess its official

wherefore_art_thou: Our Little Boy Is Finally Growing Up

racer.higgins: Romeo Im fucking older than you

 

**racer.higgins and spotconlon**

_WEDNESDAY 7:16 PM_

racer.higgins: Hey so I just told my friends were dating

spotconlon: howd they take it

racer.higgins: As normally as they possibly could

racer.higgins sent a photo

spotconlon: yikes


	4. Prablolabola

**Ten Edgy Teens™**

_THURSDAY 9:04 AM_

KittyKat: You guys, I did a math thing.

Sarah_Rose_J: *gasps*

KittyKat: I graphed a prablolabola, or whatever it’s called.

racer.higgins: y E s

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm proud of you baby

racer.higgins: Thank you darling

Sarah_Rose_J: Fuck off race

Sarah_Rose_J: Kath and I are having a moment

 

_THURSDAY 10:32 AM_

KittyKat: What on earth is going on in the coat room?

djacobs: Vending machine antics.

djacobs: Jack, Race, and Romeo are trying to get the Nibs out.

KittyKat: Have they tried... paying for them?

djacobs: Nope.

KittyKat: Where are you?

djacobs: I’m standing outside keeping guard.

KittyKat: Wait a minute.

KittyKat: Are you skipping class?

djacobs: Technically, no.

djacobs: But actually yes.

KittyKat: Why is this?

djacobs: Jack asked me to.

KittyKat: So, you just do whatever Jack asks you to now?

djacobs: No, he helped me re-organize my bookshelf last weekend, so I owed him a favour.

KittyKat: Ah.

KittyKat: Why didn’t you call me over? I would have loved to watch Jack try to organize something.

djacobs: I guess I just wanted to hang out alone with him.

KittyKat: Why’s that?

djacobs: Um.

djacobs: No reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katherine is bad at math, and I'm totally not projecting.


	5. Spot Conlon is officially Edgy™

**racer.higgins and spotconlon**

_FRIDAY 12:03 PM_

racer.higgins: You doin anything this weekend?

spotconlon: i dont think so

racer.higgins: Doesn’t autocorrect automatically capitalize I

racer.higgins: Are you going back and changing it on purpose to seem cool

spotconlon: no

spotconlon: okay yes

racer.higgins: Adorable

racer.higgins: You want to bang this weekend

racer.higgins: Hang*

spotconlon: yes to both of those

racer.higgins: ajkshwdkljxg

racer.higgins: Btw do you want to be added to my friends group chat

spotconlon: i might regret it but sure

racer.higgins: :D

spotconlon: youre a nerd ♡

 

**Ten Edgy Teens™**

_FRIDAY 12:05 PM_

racer.higgins: Guys I'm adding my boyfriend to the chat

racer.higgins: If any of you embarrass me in front of him youre Dead To Me

wherefore_art_thou: Sorry I Didn't Respond Right Away I Was Just Writing My Best Man Speech For Your Wedding

racer.higgins: First of all Albert will be my best man not you

wherefore_art_thou: Rude

racer.higgins: Second thats a perfect example of the type of stuff you will not say

racer.higgins: Okay here we go everyone behave or ill slit your throats lol

thecoolestguyyouknow: Dont say lol we know you mean it

racer.higgins: Good

_racer.higgins added spotconlon to Ten Edgy Teens™_

racer.higgins: Alright I trust everyone except romeo to introduce themselves

racer.higgins: Everyone say your names

racer.higgins: And pronouns

racer.higgins: Thats what people do right?

jackthecowboy: ILL GO FIRST

jackthecowboy: I'm Jack he/him and if u hurt racer i’ll slash ur tires

spotconlon: good to know

djacobs: I’m so sorry about Jack.

djacobs: I’m David, he/him pronouns.

spotconlon: nice to meet you david

jackthecowboy: Hey why didn’t i get a nice to meet u

djacobs: Because I didn’t threaten to slash his tires.

c_morris: I’m Crutchie, he/him

spotconlon: thats your name

c_morris: I mean your name is Spot

spotconlon: thats fair nice to meet you

brianna.buttons: I’m Brianna, she/her

ElmerK: Elmer, they/them

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im albert

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im races best friend and if you hurt him i will provide the knife for jack to slash your tires

thecoolestguyyouknow: And he/him pronouns

spotconlon: you guys i dont even have a car

thecoolestguyyouknow: Your hypothetical tires then

KittyKat: I’m Katherine, she/her pronouns, and if you hurt Race, I will not slash your hypothetical tires. However, I will be very disappointed in you.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m Sarah, she/her, and I’m dating Katherine

Sarah_Rose_J: Like, she’s my girlfriend

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm in lesbians with her

racer.higgins: Sarah how is that at all relevant

Sarah_Rose_J: ITS ALWAYS RELEVANT

racer.higgins: well that was fun introductions are fun

c_morris: WAIT

c_morris: Spot would you consider yourself edgy

spotconlon: what

spotconlon: sure

_c_morris changed group name to Eleven Edgy Teens™_

c_morris: You’re included now

spotconlon: i feel so loved

ElmerK: It’s the end of an era

brianna.buttons: Babe it's been one fucking week


	6. Ce n'est pas possible!

**Eleven Edgy Teens™**

_SATURDAY 12:23 PM_

brianna.buttons sent a photo to Eleven Edgy Teens™

brianna.buttons: Je suis un anana

KittyKat: Les ananas ne parlent pas.

racer.higgins: Guys what is going on

racer.higgins: Bria what is that demon

racer.higgins: What are you saying

brianna.buttons: Nous disons que les ananas ne parlent pas

racer.higgins: Brianna Davenport what drugs are you on

spotconlon: les ananas ne sautent pas en parachute

racer.higgins: Babe what

KittyKat: J’AI COMPLÈTEMENT OUBLIÉ QUE TU ÉTAIS DANS NOTRE CLASSE DE FRANÇAIS.

racer.higgins: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING

brianna.buttons: We're talking about téléfrançais

spotconlon: if youve never seen it dont watch it

brianna.buttons: Yeah it's permanently scarring

racer.higgins: Is this one of your weird french immersion things 

KittyKat: Precisely.

racer.higgins: I just googled it what the heck

racer.higgins: Im traumatized

spotconlon: i told you not to youve brought this on yourself

racer.higgins: THE PINEAPPLE HAS A PIMP CANE

racer.higgins: WHY

spotconlon: its canadian

racer.higgins: Oh that totally explains it

KittyKat: Canadians come up with some very weird kids shows.

brianna.buttons: My friend in Canada just told me that there's a show about a lobster

brianna.buttons: And he's a fisherman

racer.higgins: Cannibalism

racer.higgins: Sort of

brianna.buttons: My friend said "Captain Claw does not appreciate your hate" 

racer.higgins: Add them to the chat so I can fight them directly

brianna.buttons: Maybe later

 

_SATURDAY 11:39 PM_

jackthecowboy: I crave death fucking fuck

racer.higgins: Tag yourself im jack being an emo art kid

jackthecowboy: tag urself in race being a dumbass

jackthecowboy: I’m*

Sarah_Rose_J: Tag yourself I’m autocorrect messing with jack

racer.higgins: Tag yourself im the corn being nibbled on by a cat

racer.higgins sent a post to Eleven Edgy Teens™

jackthecowboy: tag urself I’m the awestruck human filming the cat

KittyKat sent a gif to Eleven Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: Wait, what the fuck.

KittyKat: I did not mean to send that.

jackthecowboy: I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING

jackthecowboy: FUCK

jackthecowboy: kate then

racer.higgins: AHHH

jackthecowboy: katherine

racer.higgins: AHHHH

jackthecowboy: I can’t breathe

racer.higgins: YOU GOT AUTOCORECCTED A G A I N

racer.higgins: FuCK I Misspelled autocorrect

jackthecowboy: bECAUSE I WAS SHAKING BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING

racer.higgins: gHhgdhshsh

Sarah_Rose_J: This is a train wreck and I love it


	7. Denial

**djacobs and Sarah_Rose_J**

_ SUNDAY 8:11 AM _

djacobs: Sarah, can you turn down your music, please?

Sarah_Rose_J: Dude I'm in the room next to you, just yell

djacobs: I have.

djacobs: Your music was too loud.

Sarah_Rose_J: Then come here and say it to my face

djacobs: I don’t want to get out of bed

Sarah_Rose_J: Seriously

Sarah_Rose_J: Dude what's wrong

djacobs: Why would you think something is wrong?

Sarah_Rose_J: Because you're usually like one of those old people who wake up at five in the morning

Sarah_Rose_J: And now you just spend all your time lying in bed moping

djacobs: I am not moping!

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay but consider this

Sarah_Rose_J: You definitely are

djacobs: What could I possibly have to mope about?

djacobs: That’s right, nothing.

Sarah_Rose_J: Is that so

Sarah_Rose_J: Not even a certain

Sarah_Rose_J: Cowboy

djacobs: ?

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh my god stop playing dumb, david

Sarah_Rose_J: I know you like jack

djacobs: What?

djacobs: No, I don’t.

Sarah_Rose_J: You do though

Sarah_Rose_J: I can tell

djacobs: Sarah, please stop interrupting my moping.

Sarah_Rose_J: SO YOU ADMIT IT

djacobs: I mean, no.

djacobs: Please stop annoying me.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m your older sister, it’s my job to annoy you

djacobs: For the last time, we're twins, you’re not older.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m older by 18 minutes it counts


	8. Sarah Jacobs is Horny on Main

**Eleven Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 9:03 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Are y’all auditioning for the musical

racer.higgins: Ye

thecoolestguyyouknow: Uhhh idk

thecoolestguyyouknow: What musical is it

Sarah_Rose_J: Les mis

thecoolestguyyouknow: Okay sure

KittyKat: What day are the auditions?

Sarah_Rose_J: Next monday and tuesday after school

KittyKat: Oh, perfect.

racer.higgins: Katherine be like *goes through millions of calendars*

KittyKat: Very funny, Race.

KittyKat: I only have three calendars.

KittyKat: Which is three more than you have.

racer.higgins: What the fuck do you need three calendars for

KittyKat: One for school, one for extracurriculars, one for other obligations.

racer.higgins: Thats intense

KittyKat: Thank you.

racer.higgins: That wasnt a compliment

racer.higgins: You have a problem

Sarah_Rose_J: I think it’s hot

KittyKat: Today on Eleven Edgy Teens™: Sarah Jacobs is horny on main.

Sarah_Rose_J: You bet I am ;)

KittyKat: Sarah, I’m in math class.

KittyKat: Wiesel is going to take my phone if he sees me sexting you in class again.

racer.higgins: jsfjkdcajkejrnv AGAIN?

KittyKat: Long story.

jackthecowboy: Thanks! I’m mentally scarred forever!


	9. Casual Everyday Chaos

**Eleven Edgy Teens™**

_ TUESDAY 1:40 PM _

racer.higgins: Egg power: 22kg

djacobs: What does this mean?

thecoolestguyyouknow: It means that eggs can hold 22 kg Davey what the fuck do you think

djacobs: Oh, of course.

djacobs: Why didn't I think of that.

 

_ TUESDAY 2:36 PM _

wherefore_art_thou: They Did Surgery On A Grape

jackthecowboy: Dude that’s such a dead meme

racer.higgins: johnny johnny

jackthecowboy: Please no

thecoolestguyyouknow: Do you know da wae

jackthecowboy: nO

 

_ TUESDAY 3:14 PM _

ElmerK: There’s lettuce in the hallway

brianna.buttons: Really

ElmerK: It may be spinach

ElmerK: But I’m pretty sure it’s lettuce.

brianna.buttons: Fascinating

brianna.buttons: Wait I was just walking and there’s lettuce all over the hallway.

brianna.buttons: Yes it’s definitely lettuce

ElmerK: Oh I see you!

brianna.buttons: I see you too!

brianna.buttons: We’re separated by a sea of lettuce

ElmerK: Does anyone know what the hell happened?

jackthecowboy: Nope

c_morris: I don’t

djacobs: Me neither.

racer.higgins: … 

brianna.buttons: Have anything to say Race?

racer.higgins: Albert and I

brianna.buttons: Yes?

racer.higgins: May have had a tiny little

racer.higgins: You know

racer.higgins: Lettuce fight

ElmerK: Oh, so normal people stuff

ElmerK: AND NOW WE CAN’T USE THE HALLWAY

brianna.buttons: How do you feel Race

ElmerK: Yeah, you’re keeping me and Bria apart

brianna.buttons: NEVER LET GO ELMER

ElmerK: I’LL NEVER LET GO

c_morris: Aw you guys are so cute

racer.higgins: Aw you guys are so gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone asks: No, I don't remember what drugs I was on when I wrote this.


	10. Funky Little Lesbians

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_WEDNESDAY 8:57 PM_

KittyKat: Sarah.

KittyKat: Babe.

KittyKat: Dude.

Sarah_Rose_J: What’s up baby

KittyKat: Do you want to hang out?

Sarah_Rose_J: Can’t I’m at work :(

KittyKat: Aww.

KittyKat: Why must you always be at work?

Sarah_Rose_J: It's what people who aren’t super rich have to do

Sarah_Rose_J: Wild concept I know

KittyKat: Hey, I work!

Sarah_Rose_J: For your dad's newspaper lmao

KittyKat: It counts!

Sarah_Rose_J: Sure sweetie

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay my manager’s glaring at me ttyl ♡

KittyKat: ♡♡♡

 

_WEDNESDAY 11:54 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: You still up?

KittyKat: Who do you think I am, a person with regular sleep patterns?

Sarah_Rose_J: You want to hang out?

KittyKat: Now?

Sarah_Rose_J: Ye

KittyKat: Sure! Where do you want to go?

Sarah_Rose_J: We could have a sword fight in the home depot parking lot

KittyKat: I’m down.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’ll bring my swords

KittyKat: I love you, my strong sword girlfriend. ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: I love you too baby ♡


	11. a d d  h i m

**Eleven Edgy Teens™**

_THURSDAY 12:42 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J sent a video to Eleven Edgy Teens™

Sarah_Rose_J: Kath thinks she can wield a sword

KittyKat: I CAN wield a sword.

Sarah_Rose_J: Sweetie I love you

Sarah_Rose_J: But you absolutely cannot

jackthecowboy: Wait where are u guys?

Sarah_Rose_J: The homeland of the lesbians ofc

jackthecowboy: ?

KittyKat: We’re at Home Depot.

Sarah_Rose_J: Jack why are you even up

jackthecowboy: I drank like four cups of coffee at lunch

KittyKat: That wasn't a good choice.

jackthecowboy: Excuse me u drink just as much as I do

jackthecowboy: And now I'm going to die

Sarah_Rose_J: Rip jack

KittyKat: I'll write you a eulogy.

jackthecowboy: Thank

 

_THURSDAY 8:44 AM_

spotconlon: i think my math and history teachers are plotting against me

spotconlon: tomorrow i have a test for each

spotconlon: and then next week is when my next math assignment and the history summative are due

KittyKat: Give me ten minutes to change up the eulogy I wrote for Jack, and I'll have one ready for you.

spotconlon: thanks

spotconlon: or you can just throw my body in a ditch i dont really care at this point

KittyKat: Noted.

 

_THURSDAY 12:06 PM_

c_morris: Can I add this guy I met at a parrot presentation to the chat, I think you guys will like him!!

djacobs: Why were you at a parrot presentation?

c_morris: You once went to a workshop about snakes davey

c_morris: I really don’t think you're in the position to be judging anyone

djacobs: Fair enough.

jackthecowboy: Yes add him

thecoolestguyyouknow: Add him

racer.higgins: a d d  h i m

_c_morris added finch_cortes to Eleven Edgy Teens™_

thecoolestguyyouknow: Welcome to hell finch_cortes

finch_cortes: hi, albert

thecoolestguyyouknow: Wait how do you know my name

finch_cortes: crutchie gave me fair warning about all of you

thecoolestguyyouknow: Smart move

jackthecowboy: So should we do introductions

c_morris: Please don't threaten to slash anyone's tires this time

jackthecowboy: I'm Jack he/him and I promise I will not slash ur tires

finch_cortes: thanks, I appreciate it

thecoolestguyyoubknow: Im albert, he/him

racer.higgins: Race he/him

djacobs: I’m David, he/him pronouns.

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm sarah, she/her

Sarah_Rose_J: My girlfriend is katherine she's busy rn so she asked me to introduce her

ElmerK: I'm Elmer they/them and my girlfriend is Brianna who is also busy

racer.higgins: Oh yeah my bf is Spot hes also busy rn

racer.higgins Or he could just be ignoring us thats a very real possibility

c_morris: There's also romeo I think he's busy too

c_morris: I guess that's it

finch_cortes: i’m finch, he/him, and it was very nice to meet everyone

jackthecowboy: Wait one more thing

_jackthecowboy changed changed group name to Twelve Edgy Teens™_

racer.higgins: Wow this chat is growing at an alarming rate

 

_THURSDAY 1:30 PM_

wherefore_art_thou: Wait I Was Looking At Memes What Happened

c_morris: I added a guy to the chat

wherefore_art_thou: Oh

wherefore_art_thou: Are You Going To Marry Him

c_morris: Come on, man

wherefore_art_thou: Can I Be Your Best Man

c_morris: No

c_morris: To both of your questions

wherefore_art_thou: D:

c_morris: Okay you can be my best man when I get married

wherefore_art_thou: :D

c_morris: But I reserve the right to change my mind

c_morris: Also why do you always type Like This

wherefore_art_thou: Why Do People Normally Type Like This

c_morris: Usually to put emphasis on Important Things

wherefore_art_thou: Exactly

wherefore_art_thou: Everything I Have To Say Is Important

c_morris: This is true


	12. Wired AirPods

**Twelve Edgy Teens™**

_ FRIDAY 8:23 AM _

racer.higgins: I just saw a guy on the bus and he was wearing wired airpods 

djacobs: ‘Wired AirPods’?

djacobs: You mean earphones?

racer.higgins: No davey I mean wired airpods can't you read

 

_ FRIDAY 5:31 PM _

brianna.buttons: Cramps are the worst I want to dieeeee

ElmerK: That's rough buddy

brianna.buttons: Thanks for being an understanding s/o

ElmerK: I try

ElmerK: Also I'm going to the grocery store what kind of chocolate do you want

brianna.buttons: Oooh Lindor dark chocolate truffles pls

ElmerK: Uhhhhhhh

ElmerK: Something under 5$

brianna.buttons: Then reese’s peanut butter cups

ElmerK: Actually I found a bunch of coins in my pocket it should be fine

brianna.buttons: :D

ElmerK: Need anything else babe?

brianna.buttons: Just you over here cuddling me

ElmerK: ♡

brianna.buttons: ♡

jackthecowboy: U guys know this isn't ur private chat right

ElmerK: Fuck off Jack my girlfriend is in pain

brianna.buttons: Yeah fuck off Jack

 

_ FRIDAY 8:38 PM _

Sarah_Rose_J: An important excerpt from the book I’m reading:

Sarah_Rose_J: “FUCKWITTAGE, FUCKWITTAGE.” (Fielding 66)

spotconlon: what book

spotconlon: dare i ask

Sarah_Rose_J: Bridget Jones’s Diary

spotconlon: is there context for that remarkably important excerpt

Sarah_Rose_J: She doesn’t have time for the emotional fuckwittage that comes from sleeping with men who won’t call her

spotconlon: well

spotconlon: that sounds fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Bridget Jones’s Diary conversation was a 100% real conversation.


	13. It's Too Early For This

**Twelve Edgy Teens™**

_SATURDAY 10:56 AM_

KittyKat: My friends in California: *post about how nice the weather is* Me: *cries in a new york accent*

djacobs liked a message

Sarah_Rose_J liked a message

jackthecowboy liked a message

wherefore_art_thou liked a message

racer.higgins liked a message

finch_cortes liked a message

jackthecowboy: Wait is this bill and darcy

KittyKat: Yes.

jackthecowboy: When do we get to meet them???

finch_cortes: who’s bill and darcy?

jackthecowboy: Kaths cool cali friends who she thinks we're gonna embarrass her in front of

KittyKat: That is not true!

KittyKat: In fact, I'll add them to this chat now.

jackthecowboy: Yes do it

jackthecowboy: No takebacks

KittyKat: Alright, I'll be right back.

 

**Power of the Press Squad**

_SATURDAY 11:02 AM_

KittyKat: Would you two like to be added to my friends’ group chat?

darcyreid: Sure!

billhearstjr: Yeah, why not.

KittyKat: I'm warning you now, it's chaos.

billhearstjr: Perfect.

 

**Twelve Edgy Teens™**

_SATURDAY 11:05 AM_

_KittyKat added billhearstjr and darcyreid to Twelve Edgy Teens™_

jackthecowboy: Oh my god

jackthecowboy: Stop the presses everyone she actually did it

KittyKat: Let’s do introductions, you guys all know the drill.

jackthecowboy: I’m Jack he/him pronouns and I will not slash ur tires

billhearstjr: Thank you?

KittyKat: Jack, why.

spotconlon: spot he/him and trying to sleep here

KittyKat: It’s eleven o’clock in the morning.

jackthecowboy: Morning, spot

spotconlon: die

racer.higgins: Morning!

spotconlon: morning ♡

jackthecowboy: ur the most confusing person

spotconlon: thank you

djacobs: I'm David, he/him pronouns.

jackthecowboy: Why do u always say the exact same thing every time?

djacobs: How else an I supposed to introduce myself?

jackthecowboy: Idk like say some fun facts about urself

racer.higgins: Yeah like “i am homeless. i am gay. i have aids. i’m new in town”

djacobs: I mean, only one of those is remotely true.

djacobs: Wait, no.

jackthecowboy: Wait

djacobs: I have to go, suddenly.

jackthecowboy: DAVEY

KittyKat: Uh, anyway.

jackthecowboy: BUT HE

KittyKat: Moving on.

jackthecowboy: KATH

KittyKat: Race. Introductions. Go.

racer.higgins: I’m Race he/him im dating Spot

Sarah_Rose_J: You already know me but I’m sarah, she/her

Sarah_Rose_J: Unfortunately I cannot stay I have to go talk to david about something real quick

KittyKat: Where is everyone else?

spotconlon: probably asleep because its so fucking early

KittyKat: Stop whining, it's not that early.

jackthecowboy: What did Sarah mean when she said ‘you already know me’

KittyKat: Nothing at all.

jackthecowboy: Kath did u introduce her to ur friends already

jackthecowboy: Did u introduce her and NOBODY ELSE

KittyKat: The oven went off, bye.

jackthecowboy: KATHERINE

c_morris: Hi everyone shut the fuck up I’m trying to sleep pls thx

spotconlon: thank you

darcyreid: I guess we’ll finish introductions later, then?

spotconlon: shhh

c_morris: shhh

 

**djacobs and Sarah_Rose_J**

_SATURDAY 11:17 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: David where are you

Sarah_Rose_J: I’ve looked everywhere pls answer

djacobs: I’m hiding in the stairwell leading up to the roof.

Sarah_Rase_J: You okay?

djacobs: I cannot believe I just outed myself like that.

Sarah_Rose_J: It’s not so bad

Sarah_Rose_J: Maybe they just think you have aids

djacobs: Sarah, that wouldn’t make the situation better.

Sarah_Rose_J: Yeah you're right

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m just going to say that it's not as bad as you think

Sarah_Rose_K: You know all our friends will be super supportive

djacobs: You’re right.

djacobs: But I’m really not ready right now.

djacobs: Can we not talk about this?

Sarah_Rose_J: Copy that

djacobs: I just want to be absolutely sure before I say anything.

Sarah_Rose_J: Smort

djacobs: You watch too much Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Sarah_Rose_J: There is no such thing as ‘too much brooklyn nine nine’

 

**jackthecowboy and c_morris**

_SATURDAY 4:27 PM_

jackthecowboy: Hey do u want to hang out tonight

c_morris: Sure!

jackthecowboy: Great!

jackthecowboy: I have something really important I need to tell u

jackthecowboy: I want to do it in person I'm just letting u know first

jackthecowboy: And its nothing bad dw

c_morris: Alright

c_morris: You can to come over to my place if you want

jackthecowboy: Sure, does 6 work for u?

c_morris: Ye

jackthecowboy: See u then!


	14. Cowboy? More like Cowbi

**Twelve Edgy Teens™**

_SUNDAY 10:13 AM_

finch_cortes: my father just told me as i was eating my breakfast (a muffin) that “the best breakfast will always be a piece of meat”

finch_cortes: which struck me as very odd

thecoolestguyyouknow: That is really odd

thecoolestguyyouknow: And wrong in my opinion

thecoolestguyyouknow: Pancakes and waffles cannot be beaten

thecoolestguyyouknow: Except maybe by french toast thats also really good

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im hungry

finch_cortes: same

finch_cortes: believe it or not, muffins aren’t very filling

thecoolestguyyouknow: You want to go somewhere and buy food

finch_cortes: yeah sure

finch_cortes: i’m in the mood for sushi and i don’t know why

thecoolestguyyouknow: Sushi

thecoolestguyyouknow: For breakfast

finch_cortes: no, my muffin was breakfast

finch_cortes: this is more like brunch for me

thecoolestguyyouknow: Well I know this great sushi place on 44th and its cheap

finch_cortes: i’m into that, should we meet somewhere?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Corner of 44th st and 3rd ave in half an hour?

finch_cortes: sounds good!

 

_SUNDAY 11:08 AM_

jackthecowboy: Never run down stairs while drinking coffee bc u will spill it all over ur face

c_morris: Oh my god are you okay???

jackthecowboy: Yeah yeah it wasn't like piping hot or anything

c_morris: Thank goodness

jackthecowboy: Yeah I'm not gonna be disfigured forever dw

c_morris: That's good to know

spotconlon: it would certainly be an improvement

jackthecowboy: Oh go to hell I could've died

spotconlon: youre so overdramatic

jackthecowboy: Fuck u

c_morris: Race, you come control your boyfriend and I'll control mine

spotconlon: hold on

spotconlon: are you guys dating

jackthecowboy: Oh did we forget to tell y'all

spotconlon: when did this happen

c_morris: Last night

c_morris: We would've told everyone right away but we were busy doing other things

jackthecowboy: We made out a lot last night

c_morris: Come on, Jack

c_morris: I'm trying to keep it classy in here

jackthecowboy: Lmao good luck with that

spotconlon: wait jack i didnt even know you were gay

jackthecowboy: I'm bi but I've never told anyone

spotconlon: ah

c_morris: So I guess you could say you're a

c_morris: Cowbi

jackthecowboy: U know what that is brilliant hold on one sec

_jackthecowboy changed username to jackthecowbi_

jackthecowbi: Okay I'm back

c_morris: Love it ♡

jackthecowbi: ♡

spotconlon: ugh you guys are too sweet im out

 

_SUNDAY 6:25 PM_

KittyKat: Good luck to everyone auditioning for Les Misérables tomorrow!

KittyKat: Good luck especially to Sarah!

Sarah_Rose_J: Ah thanks baby ♡♡ Good luck to you too

KittyKat: ♡

jackthecowbi: Kath ur a reporter aren't u supposed to be unbiased

KittyKat: This isn’t work related, I can be as biased as I want.

KittyKat: Nice new username, by the way.

jackthecowbi: I think u mean ‘bi the way’

KittyKat liked a message

Sarah_Rose_J liked a message

Sarah_Rose_J: So is this your way of coming out or what

jackthecowbi: Ye pretty much

jackthecowbi: Also idk if u saw but Crutchie and I are dating now

KittyKat: That’s so great!

KittyKat: For you.

KittyKat: Crutchie could definitely do better.

jackthecowbi: And the best friend of the year award goes to: Katherine Olivia Pulitzer

KittyKat: My middle name is not Olivia.

jackthecowbi: Then what is it

KittyKat: We’re not doing this.

jackthecowbi: I’ll tell u mine if u tell me urs

KittyKat: You don’t have one.

jackthecowbi: Fuck

jackthecowbi: I’ll tell u Race’s middle name

racer.higgins: YOU WILL NOT

spotconlon: oh thisll be good

KittyKat: I’m considering it.

racer.higgins: DONT CONSIDER IT

KittyKat: Okay, it’s a deal.

jackthecowbi: YES

racer.higgins: NO

KittyKat: You go first.

jackthecowbi: Get ready for this:

jackthecowbi: It’s Guglielmo

racer.higgins: JACK WHYYYYYY

spotconlon: oh that was good

KittyKat: Oh my god.

KittyKat: I’m actually shaking, I’m laughing so hard.

jackthecowbi: Ur turn Kath

KittyKat: Alright, I need to stop laughing first.

KittyKat: My middle name is Ethel.

racer.higgins: THATS NOT FAIR

racer.higgins: THATS NOWHERE NEAR AS RIDICULOUS AS MINE

KittyKat: This is true.

KittyKat: How do you even pronounce Guglielmo?

jackthecowbi: Googly-Elmo

racer.higgins: Jack why do you hate me

 

**djacobs and Sarah_Rose_J**

_SUNDAY 6:39 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Hey idk if you’ve checked the gc recently, but I have good news and bad news

djacobs: I have not checked the chat, what’s up?

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay the good news is that jack kelly is confirmed bisexual

djacobs: !!!

Sarah_Rose_J: The bad news is that as of yesterday he’s taken

Sarah_Rose_J: Should have sent all that at once, my bad

Sarah_Rose_J: Are you ok

djacobs: I’m fine.

Sarah_Rose_J: Do you need cheering up

djacobs: Possibly.

Sarah_Rose_J: Race’s middle name is guglielmo

djacobs: That was very helpful, thank you.

 

**djacobs and jackthecowbi**

_SUNDAY 6:45 PM_

djacobs: I heard you're dating Crutchie now.

jackthecowbi: Yes

djacobs: I just wanted to say congratulations.

jackthecowbi: Thanks that's nice of u!

jackthecowbi: I've literally been pining for years and now it's finally happening

djacobs: That must be nice.

djacobs: I'm really happy for both of you!

 

**racer.higgins and thecoolestguyyouknow**

_SUNDAY 7:16 PM_

racer.higgins: How was your date

thecoolestguyyouknow: What date

racer.higgins: Your sushi date with Finch

thecoolestguyyouknow: That wasnt a date lmao

racer.higgins: Are you sure about that

racer.higgins: Bc your insta stories lead me to believe that the opposite is true

thecoolestguyyouknow: Bro dont do this

racer.higgins: What?

thecoolestguyyouknow: You always read way too far into things like this

racer.higgins: Okay I accept that

racer.higgins: I’m adding Romeo so we can get a 3rd opinion

thecoolestguyyouknow: No the fuck you are not hes worse than you are

_racer.higgins added wherefore_art_thou to group_

racer.higgins: Too late lol

wherefore_art_thou: Sup Bitches What’s Crackalackin

racer.higgins: Al went on a date that he says wasnt a date

thecoolestguyyouknow: BECAUSE IT WASNT

wherefore_art_thou: According To Your Insta Stories, Yes It Was

racer.higgins: I think hes denying it bc he really likes him

wherefore_art_thou: Oh He Definitely Does

thecoolestguyyouknow: Wow

thecoolestguyyouknow: I have never heard anyone say so many false statements one after the other consecutively in a row

wherefore_art_thou: No We’re Right

thecoolestguyyouknow: Youre not

racer.higgins: :/ okay buddy

racer.higgins: Gtg goodnight bros

thecoolestguyyouknow: Bros

wherefore_art_thou: Bros

_wherefore_art_thou changed group name to Three Bros Chillin’_


	15. Drama

**Twelve Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 8:02 AM_

KittyKat: Happy Monday, everyone.

c_morris: Auditions today!!

Sarah_Rose_J: Yessss

darcyreid: What show are you guys doing?

Sarah_Rose_J: Les miserables

KittKat: Hold on.

KittyKat: I just realized we forgot to change the group chat name.

_KittyKat changed group name to Fourteen Edgy Teens™_

jackthecowbi: Holy crap there’s so many of us

jackthecowbi: Also Darcy isn't it really early in cali

darcyreid: Yeah, it’s five in the morning.

darcyreid: I’m not usually up this early.

jackthecowbi: If u were I’d be worried for ur wellbeing

 

**c_morris and djacobs**

_MONDAY 9:56 AM_

c_morris: Are you like

c_morris: Alive

djacobs: Yes.

c_morris: Are you doing okay? You haven't seemed like yourself recently

djacobs: Yeah, I’m fine.

c_morris: It's obvious that you're not but okay

djacobs: Okay, you're right.

djacobs: There's just this person that I like, but I found out that they're dating someone, but I just realized that I kind of also like the person that they're dating, and I just don't know what to do.

c_morris: Are you polyamorous?

djacobs: What's that?

djacobs: I think I’ve heard the word before.

c_morris: It’s when you want to be in a relationship with more than one person at once

djacobs: Huh.

djacobs: I never really thought about the actual relationship part, but yes, I guess I am.

c_morris: I'm polyam too btw!!

djacobs: This may be a good time to tell you that I'm also gay.

c_morris: Yes I inferred that from the freakout on saturday

djacobs: Wait, if you're polyam, are you dating multiple people right now?

c_morris: No just Jack at the moment

c_morris: But there is someone I kind of like

c_morris: But I haven't told Jack about the polyam thing yet so

c_morris: I should probably get on that

djacobs: Well, good luck!

c_morris: Thanks!!

 

**jackthecowbi and KittyKat**

_MONDAY 10:04 AM_

jackthecowbi: I have a dilemma

KittyKat: What's up?

jackthecowbi: Let me preface this by saying that I'm polyamorous

KittyKat: Okay.

KittyKat: Is this confidential information?

jackthecombi: U can tell Sarah

KittyKat: Great. What’s your dilemma?

jackthecowbi: So I'm dating Crutchie, and I really like him I’ve been pining forever right

jackthecowbi: But there's this other guy that I also like

jackthecowbi: And I haven't told Crutchie about the polyam thing

jackthecowbi: And I don't even know if he would be okay with it

jackthecowbi: And things are so good with us right now and I don't want to mess that up

KittyKat: Okay, here's my advice: Tell Crutchie that you're polyam. If he's not okay with who you are, he's not the one.

jackthecowbi: What do I do about the other person

KittyKat: Talk to both of them together?

jackthecowbi: Absolutely not

KittyKat: I don't really know what else to say.

jackthecowbi: Okay I'll just start with telling Crutchie

jackthecowbi: Thanks for ur wisdom kath

KittyKat: I didn’t really tell you anything that you couldn’t have figured out on your own.

jackthecowbi: THANKS FOR UR WISDOM KATH

KittyKat: No problem.

 

**jackthecowbi and c_morris**

_MONDAY 10:11 AM_

jackthecowbi: Babe I need to tell u something important

c_morris: I was actually about to text you the exact same thing, wow

jackthecowbi: Oh u go first then

c_morris: No you can go first

jackthecowbi: Alright let's just do this

jackthecowbi: I'm polyamorous

c_morris: Seriously?

jackthecowbi: But I want u to know that our relationship doesn't have to change, and I promise I won't do anything without talking to u beforehand

c_morris: Well

c_morris: What a coincidence

c_morris: I'm polyam too

jackthecowbi: Seriously?

c_morris: Yes!

jackthecowbi: Did u realize this recently

c_morris: Pretty recently yeah

c_morris: How about you

jackthecowbi: Yeah same

jackthecowbi: Anyone who prompted this realization for u

c_morris: Haha yeah

jackthecowbi: Yeah me too

jackthecowbi: Alright my geography teacher almost caught me texting ttyl ♡

c_morris: Bye ♡

 

**djacobs and Sarah_Rose_J**

_MONDAY 10:19 AM_

djacobs: Sarah, can I talk you you about something?

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm in geography class rn

Sarah_Rose_J: So yeah go for it

djacobs: I'm polyamorous, I've realized.

Sarah_Rose_J: That's when you want to date multiple people at once right

djacobs: Yes.

djacobs: And I know that one of the two people I like is polyam, but I don't know if the other one is.

Sarah_Rose_J: Well

Sarah_Rose_J: That is quite the situation

djacobs: You don't need to give me advice or anything, I really just needed to come out.

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay well good job

djacobs: Please don't say that.

Sarah_Rose_J: You said it when I came out

Sarah_Rose_J: It's the new I thought you were american

djacobs: Why are you like this?

Sarah_Rose_J: “I'm lesbian” “Good job”

djacobs: For the last time, it's because it was early in the morning and I wasn't paying much attention.

Sarah_Rose_J: Good job

djacobs: I do not appreciate this slander.

 

**racer.higgins and spotconlon**

_MONDAY 1:19 PM_

spotconlon: im having second thoughts about auditioning

spotconlon: i dont think im going to do it

racer.higgins: But you were so excited about it

spotconlon: i know but now im just anxious

racer.higgins: I'm sure youll do great

spotconlon: no race please

spotconlon: i cant do it

racer.higgins: Oh shit youre actually freaking out

spotconlon: im not freaking out im just hiding in the restroom crying

spotconlon: thats not freaking out

racer.higgins: Where are you

spotconlon: its fine

spotconlon: im fine

racer.higgins: Youre not fine

racer.higgins: Listen if youre that anxious about it you dont have to do it

racer.higgins: Like its okay

spotconlon: what if people make fun of me

racer.higgins: Ignore them

spotconlon: easy for you to say

spotconlon: I have a reputation as someone who doesnt cry at the thought of singing in front of people

racer.higgins: I will protect you and your reputation

spotconlon: will you

racer.higgins: I will protect you from anything

spotconlon: i love you racer

spotconlon: wait no

spotconlon: sorry i said that

racer.higgins: No it's okay

spotconlon: sorry im freaking out about this

racer.higgins: I thought you were freaking out about the audition

spotconlon: no this too

spotconlon: its all merging together into one big freakout

spotconlon: like I dont know if its too early to say that

spotconlon: weve only been dating for like two months

racer.higgins: Spot

spotconlon: yes

racer.higgins: I love you too

spotconlon: oh thank god

racer.higgins: Listen im taking you out for coffee after school

spotconlon: dont you have your audition after school

racer.higgins: Nope its tomorrow

racer.higgins: And youre more important than auditions anyway ♡

spotconlon: youre such a nerd

racer.higgins: Hes back!

spotconlon: ♡

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_MONDAY 1:32 PM_

KittyKat: Jack told me some interesting news

Sarah_Rose_J: Ooh spill the tea sis

KittyKat: Also, I have a theory, and I need to bounce it off you.

Sarah_Rose_J: He's polyam and you think he likes david

KittyKat: How the fuck did you figure that out??

Sarah_Rose_J: Secretly I am telepathic

Sarah_Rose_J: He was sitting next to me in geography class when he was texting you and he does not know how to text discreetly

KittyKat: I see.

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay listen david is going to absolutely kill me if he finds out I told you this but in the long run he will thank me

Sarah_Rose_J: He likes jack and someone else

KittyKat: Oh damn.

Sarah_Rose_J: Wait so we know jack is polyam

Sarah_Rose_J: David said he knows that one of the two people he likes is polyam

KittyKat: Okay, that must be Jack.

Sarah_Rose_J: He's not sure about the other person

KittyKat: I'm not entirely sure if it’s David that Jack likes, though.

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh please it's obvious

KittyKat: I mean, I'm fairly certain it is.

Sarh_Rose_J: How can we resolve this

KittyKat: So here's what we know:

KittyKat: 1. Jack is polyam

KittyKat: 2. David is polyam

KittyKat: 3: Crutchie is not polyam (as far as we know)

KittyKat: 4. Jack and Crutchie are dating

KittyKat: 5. David likes someone who is polyam (Jack) and someone who we’re not sure is polyam.

KittyKat: Did I miss anything?

Sarah_Rose_J: 6. Jack likes someone who may or may not be david

KittyKat: Right.

Sarah_Rose_J: Time to come up with a plan

KittyKat: Okay, hear me out: We could just let them figure it out on their own.

Sarah_Rose_J: Katherine that could take years

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm not even exaggerating it could take literal years

KittyKat: Do you think we were this bad before we started dating?

Sarah_Rose_J: Let's be real, we're lesbians we were probably worse

KittyKat: True.

KittyKat: “She took me out to dinner, held my hand the whole time, and kissed me. She's probably straight.” - Me irritating Jack with my useless lesbianism, 2k18

Sarah_Rose_J liked a message

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 3:17 PM_

spotconlon: hi everyone let it be known that i love racetrack higgins

racer.higgins: And let it be known that i love Spot Conlon

wherefore_art_thou: Awww

spotconlon: alright thats enough emotion for today

racer.higgins: Agreed

spotconlon: ♡

racer.higgins: ♡


	16. More Drama

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 7:14 AM_

KittyKat: I’m not going to be at school today.

KittyKat: Good thing my audition was yesterday and not today.

racer.higgins: Why wont you be at school

KittyKat: I’m sick.

racer.higgins: Oof what do you have

KittyKat: My father thinks it’s pneumonia.

KittyKat: So he doesn’t want me going out.

jackthecowbi: That sucks bro don’t die

KittyKat: I will make an attempt.

Sarah_Rose_J: Awww get well soon baby ♡

KittyKat: Thanks, babe. ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: If its not contagious I’m coming over after school

djacobs: Pneumonia is very contagious. (Get well soon, Kath!)

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay thank you dr. jacobs

djacobs: If you get sick, then you’re probably going to get me sick, and I can’t get sick because I have a lot of schoolwork to do.

Sarah_Rose_J: Well I’ll just send you a care package then kath

KittyKat: What’s going to be in it? ;)

Sarah_Rose_J: You’ll have to wait and see ;)

c_morris: Okay what the hell is going on

jackthecowbi: Kath is sick and horny that’s what's going on

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 10:34 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: I miss youuuu

KittyKat: I miss you too, I hate being sick.

Sarah_Rose_J: I just realized I don’t really know what pneumonia is

KittyKat: I’m sure it’s different for different people, but this is mostly just me coughing all the time.

KittyKat: It’s not very fun.

KittyKat: My throat hurts.

Sarah_Rose_J: That sucks

KittyKat: It does.

 

_TUESDAY 11:58 AM_

KittyKat: I looked it up, WebMD says I’m going to die.

Sarah_Rose_J: Rip i’ll miss you

KittyKat: I need to communicate this information to my father.

KittyKat: Update: My father has banned me from looking at WebMD.

Sarah_Rose_J: I mean

KittyKat: My throat still really hurts.

KittyKat: I need to go see if we have cough syrup.

KittyKat: Which involves getting out of bed, sadly.

Sarah_Rose_J: Good luck on your quest ♡

KittyKat: Thank you. ♡

 

**jackthecowbi and KittyKat**

_TUESDAY 12:43 PM_

KittyKat: Hi Jack!!!

jackthecowbi: Hey Kath

jackthecowbi: U feeling better yet?

KittyKat: Lol no

KittyKat: Unrelated question is there a limit to how much cough syrup you can take????

KittyKat: Because if there is I've definitely gone over it lol

KittyKat: Lol

KittyKat: That's such a funny word lol

KittyKat: Lololololol

KittyKat: Also how weird are forks

jackthecowbi: Forks are very weird

KittyKat: Yes I've always thought so

KittyKat: You know you're really cute no wonder davey wants to get some

jackthecowbi: What

KittyKat: Wait fuck

KittyKat: Just ignore that lol

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 12:48 PM_

KittyKat: Sarah!!!

Sarah_Rose_J: Katherine!!!

Sarah_Rose_J: How are you feeling baby?

KIttyKat: High.

Sarah_Rose_J: Wdym?

KittyKat: I just accidentally texted Jack and told him that David likes him.

Sarah_Rose_J: Why the fuck would you do that

KittyKat: Keyword: ACCIDENTALLY.

Sarah_Rose_J: Explain

KittyKat: So I was high on cough syrup, and I was texting Jack, and he said something that I thought was adorable, and then I said “No wonder Davey wants to get some”.

Sarah_Rose_J: Smh

KittyKat: I KNOW.

 

**djacobs and jackthecowbi**

_TUESDAY 12:50 PM_

jackthecowbi: Kath just texted and told me that you like me??

djacobs: Cool! One moment, please!

jackthecowbi: ?

 

**djacobs and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 12:51 PM_

djacobs: Sarah.

Sarah_Rose_J: David

djacobs: Did you tell Katherine that I like Jack?

Sarah_Rose_J: No

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes

djacobs: I thought I told you to keep that a secret!

Sarah_Rose_J: But kath and I tell eachother everything

Sarah_Rose_J: She told me that jack is polyam

djacobs: Jack is polyam?

Sarah_Rose_J: Did you not know?

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 12:52 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: It appears there has been a misunderstanding

Sarah_Rose_J: David did not know until a few seconds ago that jacks polyam

KittyKat: Wait, what?

Sarah_Rose_J: Which means that there’s someone else who david knows is polyam that he likes

KittyKat: Well, we can’t just go around asking everyone we know if they’re polyam, now can we.

Sarah_Rose_J: Not with that attitude we can't

KittyKat: We will not go around asking everyone we know if they’re polyam.

Sarah_Rose_J: Fine

Sarah_Rose_J: What can we do then?

KittyKat: I really think we should just let them sort this out for themselves, babe.

Sarah_Rose_J: You're probably right

KittyKat: I’m really tired all of a sudden and I don’t know why.

Sarah_Rose_J: That would be the drugs wearing off

KittyKat: Huh.

KittyKat: The more you know.

KittyKat: I’m going to get some sleep.

Sarah_Rose_J: Sweet dreams baby ♡♡

KittyKat: ♡♡♡

 

**New Group**

_TUESDAY 12:57 PM_

_djacobs added c_morris and jackthecowbi to group_

djacobs: I have a proposition for the both of you.

jackthecowbi: I’m listening

c_morris: What’s up?

djacobs: You know what, this was a dumb idea, never mind.

c_morris: No, tell us!

djacobs: Okay.

djacobs: Okay.

djacobs: Okay.

c_morris: Davey if youre going to tell us then tell us

djacobs: Okay, here we go.

djacobs: So, I’m polyamorous, and you’re both polyamorous.

djacobs: Do you see where I’m going with this?

jackthecowbi: Are u asking us out?

djacobs: Yes.

djacobs: Unless you don’t like me back, then no.

c_morris: What if we do like you back?

djacobs: Do you?

c_morris: I do!

jackthecowbi: I do too

djacobs: Wow.

djacobs: This went… considerably better than I expected.

c_morris: Did you think we were going to say no

djacobs: Yes.

djacobs: And then hate me forever and never talk to me again.

c_morris: We would never do that!!

jackthecowbi: Yeah we would probably die if we weren’t friends with you

djacobs: That’s always nice to hear.

djacobs: I suppose we have Katherine and Sarah to thank for this.

jackthecowbi: How so

djacobs: Kath told you I liked you.

djacobs: Then Sarah told me you were polyam.

djacobs: Then I guess I just went temporarily insane and went for it.

c_morris: I didn’t think Kath was the kind of person who would do something like that

jackthecowbi: To be fair to her she was very high on cough syrup at the time

jackthecowbi: Because of the pneumonia

djacobs: Well.

djacobs: Everyone say ‘Thank you, Katherine’s pneumonia!’

c_morris: Thank you Katherine’s pneumonia!

jackthecowbi: Thank u Katherine’s pneumonia!

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 3:23 PM_

jackthecowbi: Anyone under the impression that I have a boyfriend is mistaken

brianna.buttons: What happened?

spotconlon: what the fuck do you mean

jackthecowbi: I actually have TWO boyfriends (who are also dating each other)

spotconlon: oh thank fucking fuck

spotconlon: i thought you and crutchie broke up and i damn near had a heart attack

c_morris: Aw you care about our relationship?

spotconlon: of course i fucking do

jackthecowbi: U have odd ways of showing affection

spotconlon: so ive been told

brianna.buttons: Who's your other boyfriend Jack

jackthecowbi: It's davey

Sarah_Rose_J: YES

KittyKat: Fucking finally.

jackthecowbi: Kath ur no longer high I assume?

KittyKat: I am not.

brianna.buttons: Kath was high?

jackthecowbi: Ye on cough syrup

spotconlon: i wouldve loved to see that

brianna.buttons: Same

KittyKat: We will never speak of this again.

Sarah_Rose_J: Wait so david

Sarah_Rose_J: Was crutchie your crush who you knew was polyam

djacobs: Yes.

Sarah_Rose_J: Fuck how did we not figure that one out

KittyKat: I don't know. Looking back, it's kind of obvious.

djacobs: I mean… surely, it wasn't that obvious?

Sarah_Rose_J: David you lack the ability to be subtle

djacobs: You didn't even know about it until just now!

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes but to quote my brilliant girlfriend: “Looking back, it's kind of obvious.”

jackthecowbi: Sarah can you just be happy for us

Sarah_Rose_J: Fine

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm happy y'all finally got your shit together

Sarah_Rose_J: And I’m glad I don’t have to listen to daveys vague-rants anymore

djacobs: When have I ever vague-ranted to you?

Sarah_Rose_J: When you kept consistently denying that you had a crush on jack even though you clearly did

djacobs: How is that a vague-rant??

Sarah_Rose_J: It just is don't question it david

racer.higgins: Congrats you three

KittyKat: Race! How was your audition?

jackthecowbi: So are we just not talking about me anymore?

racer.higgins: It went okay

spotconlon: i think you mean it went amazing

spotconlon: race was perfect and he nailed it but he doesnt want to admit it for some reason

racer.higgins: ♡

racer.higgins: You feeling better yet Kath

KittyKat: Not at all, but thanks for asking.

KittyKat: I’ll probably be at school tomorrow, though.

jackthecowbi: She got high on cough syrup

KittyKat: Hey, why don't you just go outside and YELL IT?

 

_TUESDAY 7:21 PM_

jackthecowbi: So a lot of Drama has happened in a Very Short period of time and since there's a long weekend coming up I think we could all benefit from a vacation

ElmerK: That's a fun idea but half of us don't have any money

jackthecowbi: Not like an actual trip

jackthecowbi: Just like hanging out and chilling

racer.higgins: We should go bowling!

djacobs: Preferably doing something that isn't potentially harmful.

racer.higgins: How is bowling harmful

djacobs: Very heavy objects.

racer.higgins Shit youre right

KittyKat: How about the MoMA?

jackthecowbi: We would get kicked out of there so fast

KittyKat: Fair point.

ElmerK: How about a picnic in the park

ElmerK: Then we can be as loud as we want

jackthecowbi: Somewhere we can yell is ideal yes

racer.higgins: If we have a picnic I can make some food

spotconlon: ill help you with food making

racer.higgins: Sure, if by ‘help’ you mean staying as far away from the stove as possible

spotconlon: come on that was such a long time ago

racer.higgins: It was LAST WEEK

spotconlon: exactly its in the past

racer.higgins Youre so annoying

spotconlon: love you too

racer.higgins: ♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My research for this chapter consisted of one (1) Google search on the symptoms of pneumonia.


	17. Leaving Jack in Charge of the Alcohol is a Sound Decision

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_ WEDNESDAY 6:27 PM _

spotconlon: who wants to see a picture of my cat

c_morris: I do!!

wherefore_art_thou: Show Us The Cat

spotconlon sent a photo to Fourteen Edgy Teens™

spotconlon: my daughter is a trash gremlin 

c_morris: I love her

wherefore_art_thou: Amazing

 

_ WEDNESDAY 9:56 PM _

racer.higgins: It’s  r a i n i n g

thecoolestguyyouknow: r a i n

ElmerK: The eensy weensy spider is gonna die

racer.higgins: It’s the itsy bitsy spider

racer.higgins: Smh fake fan

 

**Power of the Press Squad**

_ WEDNESDAY 10:21 PM _

KittyKat: I have a great idea.

billhearstjr: Let's hear it.

KittyKat: I know this is a bit last minute, since there’s a long weekend coming up, I was thinking that you guys could come out to New York and meet all my friends properly.

KittyKat: If you don't have anything else on, of course.

darcyreid: I'm down!

billhearstjr: I'll have to convince my parents, but I'd love to!

KittyKat: Perfect!

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_ WEDNESDAY 10:28 PM _

KittyKat: Bill and Darcy are coming to New York this weekend, so we’d better think of something good to do.

KittyKat: Preferably right now.

jackthecowbi: Like by themselves?

KittyKat: Yes? Who else would come?

jackthecowbi: Idk like their parents

KittyKat: What for?

jackthecowbi: Wait they’re both crazy rich nvm

jackthecowbi: So what should we do

KittyKat: I don't know, that's why we need suggestions.

KittyKat: SHIT, I JUST REMEMBERED MY DAD IS GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP THIS WEEKEND.

KittyKat: Oh, this is perfect.

jackthecowbi: Is he okay with you having people over when he's not there

KittyKat: He doesn't need to know.

KittyKat: That settles it, I'm having a party.

jackthecowbi: YES

KittyKat: And you're bringing the alcohol!

jackthecowbi: What

jackthecowbi: Doesn't ur dad have a liquor cabinet

KittyKat: He's going to notice if we steal from it.

jackthecowbi: Why can’t u go out and buy some

KittyKat: Because you’re the one with the fake ID.

jackthecowbi: Race has a fake id too make him do it

KittyKat: Race would get busted within a minute of stepping into the store.

KittyKat: And he would probably knock over all the bottles.

racer.higgins: rUDE

jackthecowbi: Wait Kath what if ur still sick

KittyKat: I will not be sick during a long weekend.

KittyKat: I refuse.


	18. 🔥💦😩😍

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_THURSDAY 2:57 PM_

wherefore_art_thou: So Today Someone Asked Me Out And I Accidentally Said Yes

djacobs: How do you ‘accidentally’ say yes?

wherefore_art_thou: Well, Mom

wherefor_art_thou: They Asked Me Out And I Didn’t Hear What They Said

wherefore_art_thou: So I Just Said “Yeah, Sure”

djacobs: Well.

wherefore_art_thou: So My Open Question To All of You Is: How Do You Turn Someone Down After You Already Accepted Them?

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh yikes

racer.higgins: Romeo why would you turn down a date

racer.higgins: Youre literally the biggest slut out of all of us.

wherefore_art_thou: It’s Because I’m Already Dating Someone

racer.higgins: WHAT

racer.higgins: WHO IS THIS MYSTERY MAN OR WOMAN OR ENBY

wherefore_art_thou: All I’m Gonna Say Is

wherefore_art_thou: 🔥💦😩😍

djacobs: Romeo, don't do that.

wherefore_art_thou: Sorry Mom

 

**Three Bros Chillin’**

_THURSDAY 3:06 PM_

racer.higgins: Okay romeo its just us here you can tell us

wherefore_art_thou: I Will Not

thecoolestguyyouknow: Come on

wherefore_art_thou: @ Al Admit You Like Finch And I’ll Consider It

thecoolestguyyouknow: Nevermind

racer.higgins: Al you traitor

racer.higgins: Romeo please

wherefore_art_thou: You Waited Like Two Months Before You Told Us About Spot

wherefore_art_thou: You Hypocrite

thecoolestguyyouknow: Yeah you hypocrite

racer.higgins: Okay this is not about me stop talking about me

thecoolestguyyouknow: "Stop talking about me" who are you and what have you done with Race

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_THURSDAY 5:27 PM_

KittyKat: Can everyone let me know who you're inviting to the party?

brianna.buttons: What's the limit?

KittyKat: There isn't really one, I just need to know how much food I should get.

brianna.buttons: Okay I'm inviting my friend JoJo

brianna.buttons: She's great, you'll all love her

ElmerK: Yesss JoJo’s fuckin awesome

ElmerK: I’m inviting Barney and Kenny

racer.higgins: I'm inviting Mike and Ike

spotconlon: i guess ill invite hotshot rafaela and joey

spotconlon: theyre all cool

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm inviting smalls and sniper

KittyKat: Who are they?

Sarah_Rose_J: I met them when I showed them around the school at the beginning of the year

Sarah_Rose_J: They’re both lesbians

KittyKat: Yes, invite them!

wherefore_art_thou: I'm Inviting Blink, Mush, And Specs

racer.higgins: Ooh so which one of them is your concubine?

KittyKat: Race, please don't say ‘concubine’ ever again.

wherefore_art_thou: Here's A Hint:

wherefore_art_thou: I'm Not Telling You

jackthecowbi: Katherine u do realize that if there's free alcohol literally anyone will show up anywhere

jackthecowbi: There's no way to predict how many people will be there

jackthecowbi: Oh and u might want to lock up any important stuff that u don't want broken or stolen

KittyKat: That's smart.

KittyKat: Can I just fence off the entire second floor?

Sarah_Rose_J: You could put up a Please Stay Downstairs sign for people to ignore

KittyKat: What if I just put all the important stuff in the bedrooms and then lock all the doors?

jackthecowbi: Thatll probably work

racer.higgins: Protect your possessions from the sea of drunk toddlers

thecoolestguyyouknow: FUCK DA POLICE

racer.higgins: STREET SMARTS

finch_cortes: here’s an on-fire garbage can… could be a nursery

thecoolestguyyouknow: In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin

finch_cortes: …instead they see a 28 year old healthy man trYING HIS BEST

thecoolestguyyouknow: You mean like when someone drinks too much… or snorts cocaine… or bets the house on the ponies… (@ race)

racer.higgins: HEY

thecoolestguyyouknow: No joke thats gonna be you

racer.higgins: I will bet you anything that i wont be like that

racer.higgins: Oh i see what just happened

KittyKat: And yet another important conversation goes off the rails…

 

_THURSDAY 9:19 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: B99 out of context is one of my favourite things ever

Sarah_Rose_J: “I don’t understand, you don’t like it when he talks about your cervix ripening?”

KittyKat: “Thanks for the heroin, hunky Jesus!”

spotconlon: *while wearing a turkey costume* “i have some deeply tragic news for you”

racer.higgins: “Hummus… thoughts?”

KittyKat: “I don’t even think I have a nose, Peralta!”

spotconlon: “turns out i was accidentally doing some cocaine”

racer.higgins: “We could be dealing with a serial tickler!”

Sarah_Rose_J: “THE FULL BULLPEN!”

KittyKat: “BOOOOOONE!”

spotconlon: we should all have a double date and just binge watch brooklyn nine nine

KittyKat: That is a phenomenal idea.

Sarah_Rose_J: We could do it sunday night bc long weekend

racer.higgins: Kath lets do it at your place

KittyKat: Is this because I have the biggest television?

racer.higgins: …maybe

KittyKat: Alright, we can do it at my place.

KittyKat: If it’s not trashed from the party.

KittyKat: Which it better fucking not be.

Sarah_Rose_J: Sounds great!

 

_THURSDAY 9:32 PM_

wherfore_art_thou: Good News Everyone, I Got The Accidental Date Acceptance Thing Worked Out

racer.higgins: And are you ready to tell us who youre actually dating now?

wherefore_art_thou: Hell No

racer.higgins: Ugh fuck you

wherefore_art_thou: 🔥🔥


	19. owO

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_ FRIDAY 3:27 AM _

racer.higgins: uwu

c_morris: UwU

racer.higgins: UWU

c_morris: Owu

spotconlon: both of you go the fuck to sleep

racer.higgins: OwO

c_morris: owO

spotconlon: xwx

racer.higgins: Noooooooo

spotconlon: go to bed

racer.higgins: ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)

c_morris: ( **◡** ‿ **◡** ✿)

spotconlon: damn how are you guys doing that

racer.higgins: ╰( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )つ──☆*:・ﾟ

c_morris: (ノ°∀°)ノ⌒･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*☆

spotconlon: wait i got it

spotconlon: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

 

_ FRIDAY 11:37 AM _

ElmerK: Ugh I’m so broke

ElmerK: How does one get more money

wherefore_art_thou: Sell Drugs

thecoolestguyyouknow: Start a pyramid scheme

jackthecowbi: Evade ur taxes

ElmerK: I don’t pay taxes

jackthecowbi: Well then mission accomplished

racer.higgins: Get a job

KittyKat: Wow, Race actually has the most reasonable idea.

c_morris: These are strange times

c_morris: Oh btw Kath I overheard a group of people weve never met talking about your party so uh

c_morris: Good luck with that

KittyKat: Great.

KittyKat: That is amazing news.

djacobs: You could just stand at the door telling everyone you don’t know that there’s no alcohol left.

djacobs: They’ll probably leave.

c_morris: Ahh you're smart Davey! 😘

djacobs: ♡

KittyKat: Yes Davey, you are smart, but I’m not giving you kisses.

KittyKat: Fuck, now I want kisses.

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_ FRIDAY 11:41 AM _

KittyKat: Hi, Sarah!

Sarah_Rose_J: Hi kath!

KittyKat: I would like some kisses please and thank you.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m in class rn :(

Sarah_Rose_J: But I will send you virtual kisses

Sarah_Rose_J: 😘😘😘

KittyKat: You’re so cute, I love you so much.

Sarah_Rose_J: Aw I love you so much too!

KittyKat: ♡♡♡

Sarah_Rose_J:  ♡♡♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Looking for excuses to write pointless Newsbians fluff? It's more likely than you'd think!


	20. The Party

**Power of the Press Squad**

Saturday _ 3:04 PM _

billhearstjr: Kath, just letting you know that Darcy and I are about to board the plane, and we’ll arrive in New York at around eight o’clock. We’re taking an Uber to your house, so we should be there at around eight-thirty.

KittyKat: Great! I can’t wait to see you guys!

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_ Saturday 6:48 PM _

jackthecowbi: WHO ELSE IS EXCITED FOR TONIGHT

jackthecowbi: BC I SURE THE HELL AM

KittyKat: Well, Jack is clearly drunk already.

KittyKat: Anyone willing to make sure he arrives at my house in one piece?

djacobs: Jack, I’m driving you to Kath’s.

jackthecowbi: OKAY

djacobs: As well as anyone else who wants a ride.

c_morris: Davey can you come pick me up too

djacobs: Sure thing!

c_morris: Thx ♡

djacobs: Anyone else? There's one seat left.

djacobs: Sarah?

Sarah_Rose_J: Nah I'm going over a little earlier

Sarah_Rose_J: Y'all can have the car to yourselves if you know what I mean

djacobs: Sarah… 

KittyKat: So I’ll see Sarah soon and the rest of you at nine?

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m coming over now see you soon baby ♡

KittyKat: See you soon, babe! ♡

djacobs: Sarah, why can’t you just use the door, like a normal person?

Sarah_Rose_J: Climbing down the fire escape is just better

jackthecowbi: AGREED

 

**thecoolestguyyouknow and racer.higgins**

_ Saturday 10:06 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: Do you have eyes on Romeo

racer.higgins: I’m busy making out with my boyfriend of course I dont have eyes on Romeo

thecoolestguyyouknow: Well youd better get on that bc Im about to be busy

racer.higgins: Doing what

racer.higgins: Al

racer.higgins: Albert Dasilva i swear

 

**racer.higgins and wherefore_art_thou**

_ Saturday 10:09 PM _

racer.higgins: Do you know where Albert is??

wherefore_art_thou: No Why?

racer.higgins: Hes with Finch I fucking know it

wherefore_art_thou: Listen I’m Really Busy Right Now

wherefore_art_thou: Why Don’t You Just Forget About Albert And Finch, And Enjoy The Party?

racer.higgins: Ugh youre probably right

 

**racer.higgins and KittyKat**

_ Saturday 10:11 PM _

racer.higgins: Kath why is your house so big

KittyKat: It just is??

racer.higgins: Now what would you say is the prime secret place for hooking up

KittyKat: Probably somewhere in the basement.

racer.higgins: Cool thanks

KittyKat: Get some. ;)

racer.higgins: No its not for me its for Romeo and Albert lmao

KittyKat: Wait, are they dating?

KittyKat: I thought Romeo was dating someone else?

racer.higgins: Wait no

racer.higgins: I mean either Romeo OR Albert

racer.higgins: Lmk if you see either one making out with someone

KittyKat: Will do.

 

**racer.higgins and spotconlon**

_ Saturday 10:37 PM _

spotconlon: so are we actually going to hang out or are you going to spend the whole party stalking your friends

racer.higgins: I’m sorry I just really need to know what their deals are

spotconlon: where are you even

racer.higgins: A hallway

spotconlon: very specific

racer.higgins: Shhh go away I’m lurking

spotconlon: rude

 

**spotconlon and KittyKat**

_ Saturday 10:41 PM _

spotconlon: kath can you yell at race to be nicer to me

KittyKat: Why me?

spotconlon: i dont know i feel like youd be good at that

KittyKat: Okay, sure.

 

**racer.higgins and KittyKat**

_ Saturday 10:42 PM _

KittyKat: RACETRACK, BE NICER TO YOUR BOYFRIEND.

 

**spotconlon and KittyKat**

_ Saturday 10:57 PM _

KittyKat: It’s been fifteen minutes and Race hasn’t texted me back, I don’t know what to tell you.

spotconlon: he hasnt texted me either

spotconlon: im heartbroken

KittyKat: This is so sad.

KittyKat: I’m going to go make out with Sarah now, bye!

spotconlon: kath dont leave me

 

**spotconlon and jackthecowbi**

_ Saturday 10:59 PM _

spotconlon: jack are you busy

jackthecowbi: Yes very

spotconlon: ugh fine be that way

 

**Brooklyn’s Here**

_ Saturday 11:00 PM _

spotconlon: what are you guys doing

hotshot: Playing beer pong wbu

spotconlon: being lonely

rafaelalala: What is this Spots Emo Phase 2.0?

joeeeeey: oh my god the eMO PHASE

spotconlon: raf you really need to let that go

rafaelalala: Never

spotconlon: race katherine and jack have all abandoned me

rafaelalala: *whispers* emooo… 

joeeeeey: Wow what a sad boy hour

hotshot sent a gif to Brooklyn’s Here

hotshot: Spot this is you

spotconlon: normally id be annoyed but yes that is accurate

joeeeeey: It’s not showing up on my phone what is it

hotshot: Its the gif from parks and rec of leslie saying ‘I… sad’

joeeeeey: Oof yes accurate

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 11:36 PM _

brianna.buttons: Okay I’m adding JoJo to the chat

_ brianna.buttons added jojo_delaguerra to Fourteen Edgy Teens™ _

thecoolestguyyouknow: While were adding people Im adding Blink and Mush

_ thecoolestguyyouknow added kidblink_baletti and mushmeyers to Fourteen Edgy Teens™ _


	21. The Aftermath

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_ SUNDAY 5:39 AM _

KittyKat: Hi, Sarah! I know you’re asleep, and you’re probably going to be hungover when you read this, so as soon as you wake up, I’m going to make you breakfast and then we can cuddle. Love you! ♡

 

**Fourteen Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 5:48 AM _

KittyKat: To everyone who isn’t currently passed out on my living room floor: Did you make it home safe?

KittyKat: Also, I vaguely remember that some new people were added to the chat, so if you are one of those people, let me know.

brianna.buttons: Elmer JoJo and I are all alive

jojo_delaguerra: And I’m JoJo, hello!

_ KittyKat changed group name to Fifteen Edgy Teens™ _

kidblink_baletti: Me and mush are also alive

kidblink_baletti: I think we’re in your laundry room

KittyKat: Is there a washing machine and a dryer?

kidblink_baletti: Ye

KittyKat: Then, yes. Yes, you are.

mushmeyers: Hi from your laundry room

_ KittyKat changed group name to Seventeen Edgy Teens™ _

djacobs: I’ve driven Jack and Crutchie back to my place.

djacobs: They are both asleep, but very much alive.

c_morris: I’m actually awake

c_morris: All the phone buzzing woke me up and now I want to die

racer.higgins: Eyy hangover squad

c_morris: Fuck yeah

racer.higgins: Crutchie you should say fuck more often

racer.higgins: Its good for your soul

c_morris: Noted

c_morris: Okay I’m going back to sleep

racer.higgins: Katherine where did you go

KittyKat: I’m in the kitchen.

racer.higgins: Can you get me some water pls

KittyKat: Sure.

c_morris: The phone buzzing still makes me want to die

KittyKat: Just mute the chat, dude.

c_morris: Oh yeah thats smart

 

**Three Bros Chillin’**

_ SUNDAY 6:19 AM _

racer.higgins: Sooooo… 

racer.higgins: How was everyones night

wherefore_art_thou: It Was Fine Thank You

racer.higgins: Did you have fun with your Special Friend?

wherefore_art_thou: Yes We Had Lots Of Fun

racer.higgins: Albert how bout you

thecoolestguyyouknow: My night was good

racer.higgins: Good good good

racer.higgins: Romeo can you please PLEASE just tell us who youre dating this is killing me not knowing like its actual AGONY

thecooolestguyyouknow: Way to be subtle Higgins

racer.higgins: AND YOU

thecoolestguyyouknow: ?

racer.higgins: Why wont you just ADMIT that you like Finch???

thecoolestguyyouknow: Race CALM DOWN

racer.higgins: Youre right youre right sorry you guys

wherefore_art_thou: I Will Tell You Who I'm Dating Eventually

wherefore_art_thou: Its Just That They Don't Really Want To Tell People About It Just Yet

wherefore_art_thou: Also I'd Be Lying If I Said I Didn't Love Watching Race Go Insane

racer.higgins: Where even are you guys

wherefore_art_thou: I'm In A Bedroom If You Know What I Mean ;)

racer.higgins: n i c e

thecoolestguyyouknow: I thought Kath locked the bedrooms

wherefore_art_thou: Not The Guest Bedrooms

thecoolestguyyouknow: I am… under the porch???

thecoolestguyyouknow: I think???

racer.higgins: Ooh anyone with you?

thecoolestguyyouknow: I don't think so?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im coming inside now

 

**New Group**

_ SUNDAY 6:22 AM _

_ KittyKat added thecoolestguyyouknow and racer.higgins to group _

KittyKat: Would either of you care to explain why there is lettuce all over my dining room table?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Whoops

racer.higgins: Whoops

KittyKat: I didn't even have lettuce in my house, what the fuck you guys.

 

**Seventeen Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 6:25 AM _

KittyKat sent a photo to Seventeen Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: Lettuce Fight 2.0.

brianna.buttons: Oh not again

thecoolestguyyouknow: Race will this be our legacy?

racer.higgins: Most likely

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_ SUNDAY 7:37 AM _

Sarah_Rose_J: Awww kath this was such a lovely surprise to wake up to!

KittyKat: I’m glad you liked it! Coffee is on its way. ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m so lucky to have a girlfriend as amazing as you

Sarah_Rose_J: When you get hungover i’ll do the same thing for you

KittyKat: But I won’t be hungover, because I’m a responsible drinker.

Sarah_Rose_J: Me: *tries to be romantic* You: bUt ThE lOgIc!!

KittyKat: Damn straight.

Sarah_Rose_J: No straights here

KittyKat: Damn lesbian.

Sarah_Rose_J: Thats better ♡

KittyKat: ♡♡♡

 

**Seventeen Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 10:13 AM _

darcyreid: Fuck jet lag.

jackthecowbi: Life hack: avoid jet lag by being too broke to go anywhere

darcyreid: I mean, valid.

 

_ SUNDAY 12:02 PM _

spotconlon: wow okay apparently i get really sad when im drunk

spotconlon: also kath where are you

KittyKat: I’m at Jacobi’s having lunch with Darcy and Bill.

spotconlon: so am i just in your house while youre not here

KittyKat: You were asleep on my couch, and I wasn’t going to wait around for you to wake up.

spotconlon: did you just leave me alone

KittyKat: Of course not, Race is there.

spotconlon: do you know where he is

racer.higgins: I’m in the living room

spotconlon: no youre not im in the living room

racer.higgins: You must be mistaken because i’m in the living room

KittyKat: Guys, you’re in different living rooms.

racer.higgins: What do you need two living rooms for??

KittyKat: I’m turning off my phone now, don’t set the place on fire.

 

**New Group**

_ SUNDAY 4:16 PM _

_ KittyKat added Sarah_Rose_J, racer.higgins, and spotconlon to group _

KittyKat: Do you guys think we could reschedule our Brooklyn Nine-Nine double date to next weekend? Because I really need to tidy my entire house, which will probably take quite a while.

racer.higgins: Yeah sure

racer.higgins: We could also do it at my place if youre tired of hosting stuff

KittyKat: That would actually be great.

Sarah_Rose_J: Babe if you want I can come over and help you clean

KittyKat: No, I have it under control. Thank you, though! ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: ♡

_ racer.higgins changed group name to Nine-Nine Stans _


	22. Everybody Knows That We Used To Be Six Wiiives

**Seventeen Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 10:55 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Listen up let me tell you a story

KittyKat: A story that you think you've heard before!

brianna.buttons: We know you know our names and our fame and our faces

Sarah_Rose_J: Know all about the glories and the disgraces

KittyKat: I'm done ’cause all this time, I’ve been just one word in a stupid rhyme!

brianna.buttons: So I picked up a pen and a microphone, history’s about to get

Sarah_Rose_J: O!

KittyKat: VER!

brianna.buttons: THROWN!

jackthecowbi: What just happened

KittyKat: Six just happened.

jackthecowbi: What

brianna.buttons: It’s a musical about Henry the eighths six wives

jackthecowbi: What the fuck

jackthecowbi: Why did he have six wives was that even allowed

Sarah_Rose_J: Not at the same time dumbass

jackthecowbi: I am confusion

KittyKat: Do we need to give you a history lesson?

jackthecowbi: No that’s fine

KittyKat: Too bad, we’re doing it.

KittyKat: So, the first wife’s name was Catherine of Aragon (Or Catalina, because she was Spanish), and she was married to Henry Tudor after her first husband (Henry’s brother, Arthur) died. She was widowed at seventeen, and then married Henry. Their marriage lasted twenty-four years, but Henry divorced her when she failed to provide him a male heir. She did have a daughter, who would become Queen Mary I. She was loved by the English people, and when she died, the whole country mourned. Henry and his new wife Anne Boleyn both wore yellow to her funeral, which has been interpreted in a few different ways throughout history, but I won’t get into that now.

jackthecowbi: Oh wow

jackthecowbi: Katherine be like “let me just write an essay real quick”

KittyKat: Dude, I didn’t even go into nearly the amount of depth that I wanted to. That was just a brief overview.

Sarah_Rose_J: His next wife was anne boleyn who was the sister of his former mistress #awkward

Sarah_Rose_J: She was accused of adultery and possibly witchcraft and was beheaded

Sarah_Rose_J: And also she didn’t provide a male heir, but she was queen elizabeth's mother so whos laughing now

brianna.buttons: After Anne was executed, Henry married Jane Seymour who finally gave him a son only to die less than two weeks later

jackthecowbi: Thats a big oof right there

brianna.buttons: I’m sure that’s exactly what Henry thought

Sarah_Rose_J: Jane: *dies* henry: oh big oof

jackthecowbi liked a message

KittyKat liked a message

brianna.buttons liked a message

Sarah_Rose_J: The next wife is anne of cleves

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh yes there’s two annes

Sarah_Rose_J: His marriage to anne was never consummated

Sarah_Rose_J: (which is 1500s code for ‘he couldn’t get it up’)

jackthecowbi: Oh damn

KittyKat: And next, there’s another Katherine.

jackthecowbi: Oh joy

KittyKat: Right after he ended his marriage to Anne of Cleves, Henry married Katherine Howard. At the time, she was aged sixteen or seventeen, and he was forty-nine. Like Anne Boleyn, she was accused of adultery and was beheaded, then aged eighteen or nineteen.

KittyKat: Her entire life was very sad, but we don’t need to get into that now.

jackthecowbi: How many more are there

Sarah_Rose_J: Just one more and then we’re done

Sarah_Rose_J: This one is also named Catherine

jackthecowbi: Damn why so many Catherines

KittyKat: Hey, don’t judge the Catherines.

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay so catherine parr married henry viii in 1543 after two previous marriages and stayed with him for the rest of his life

Sarah_Rose_J: After henry died she married thomas seymour (jane seymour’s bro) but died in childbirth a year later aged 36

Sarah_Rose_J: She also convinced henry to make his daughters mary and elizabeth heirs to the throne so yay for her!!

jackthecowbi: Is that it

KittyKat: That’s it.

jackthecowbi: Yeet skeet thanks for the history lesson yall

KittyKat: Any time!

 

_MONDAY 2:36 PM_

djacobs: Callout for Jack, who won't get the hell out of my dryer.

jackthecowbi: Davey ur dryer is very roomy

djacobs: Thank you? I think?

jackthecowbi: Ur very welcome ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: Jack how are you alive

djacobs: To clarify, the dryer is not on.

Sarah_Rose_J: …I realize that

Sarah_Rose_J: Did I really get kicked out of the apartment so that jack kelly could sit in our dryer

c_morris: We were SUPPOSED to be watching horror movies but then Jack decided to see if he could fit in the dryer

djacobs: Yes, like a normal person.

jackthecowbi: Look its not my fault that the bankbook is super scary

jackthecowbi: I mean babadook

jackthecowbi: Actually I think the first one is scarier

djacobs: We weren't even at the scary part.

jackthecowbi: Listen I was just trying to protect u guys from the psychological damage that horror movies can give u

Sarah_Rose_J: That or you're just a little bitch

jackthecowbi: Sarah are u a part of this conversation? No, no u are not

c_morris: I'm siding with Sarah on this

djacobs: Me too.

jackthecowbi: Betrayed

jackthecowbi: Betrayed by my own bfs

c_morris: Jack would you like to watch eighties movies instead

jackthecowbi: …yes pls

djacobs: Now get out of the dryer and come cuddle us.

c_morris: ♡

jackthecowbi: ♡

djacobs: ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: That's gay

djacobs: You're literally a lesbian. You're at your girlfriend's house right now.

Sarah_Rose_J: Maybe so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this chapter just an excuse to flex my Renaissance history knowledge? Maybe.


	23. F-œil-ee

**S** **eventeen Edgy Teens™**

_ TUESDAY 8:32 AM _

wherefore_art_thou: THIS IS NOT A DRILL THE CAST LIST HAS BEEN POSTED I REPEAT THE CAST LIST HAS BEEN POSTED

wherefore_art_thou sent a photo to Fourteen Edgy Teens™

wherefore_art_thou: I Got Courfeyrac I Am Ecstatic

ElmerK: I got Jehan  n i c e

wherefore_art_thou: Did You Just  N i c e Yourself

ElmerK: It needed to be done

c_morris: I got joly yeet

ElmerK: Okay but that is like an uncannily perfect role for you tho

Sarah_Rose_J: I got fantine!!

Sarah_Rose_J: I make it approximately halfway through the first act!!

thecoolestguyyouknow: wow sPOILERS

KittyKat: Albert, do you not know the story?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Not really no

KittyKat: Man steals bread. Police officer pursues man. Man adopts child. France descends into chaos. Everyone dies. The end.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Thats… fun

thecoolestguyyouknow: Anyway I got Feuilly is that good

racer.higgins: Dude that is SO good

racer.higgins: Wait no way

racer.higgins: I GOT ENJOLRAS!!!

wherefore_art_thou: AHHHH RACER I’M HAPPY FOR YOU

racer.higgins: AHHHH

thecoolestguyyouknow: I DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS BUT IM HAPPY FOR YOU TOO

racer.higgins: AHHHH

spotconlon: im so proud of you babe ♡

racer.higgins: Spot Conlon? Showing emotion? Its more likely than you think

thecoolestguyyouknow: Wait so I was just trying to tell my mom what my role was and we can't agree on how to pronounce Feuilly

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh katherine can pronounce it really well

KittyKat: It's Feuille-ee

thecoolestguyyouknow: Thanks thats no help whatsoever 

KittyKat: F-œil-ee 

thecoolestguyyouknow: Kath thats worse

KittyKat: Well, how else am I supposed to write it?

KittyKat: It's not my fault you don't speak French.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Just send a recording of you saying it

KittyKat sent an audio recording to Seventeen Edgy Teens™

thecoolestguyyouknow: Huh

thecoolestguyyouknow: Thats a weird name

racer.higgins: All the characters have weird names

Sarah_Rose_J: Your name is racetrack but okay

racer.higgins: Its a nickname

racer.higgins: What are their excuses

Sarah_Rose_J: Theyre french

KittyKat: Also, those are their last names.

racer.higgins: Wait what are their first names then

KittyKat: They don’t have any.

KittyKat: They probably do, but they’re never mentioned in the book, so they don’t.

racer.higgins: Hold up

racer.higgins: Kath are you trying to tell me you read the entire motherfucking book

KittyKat: I did indeed read the entire motherfucking book.

racer.higgins: What the fuck how long did that take

KittyKat: About a year.

racer.higgins: Wow thats true dedication right there

KittyKat: It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if thirteen year old me didn’t have an 0.5 second attention span.

KittyKat: I also had to keep going back and reread parts because I took such long breaks from it, I forgot what happened.

racer.higgins: I mean still pretty impressive

Sarah_Rose_J: David just ran into my room and yelled that he's gonna read all of les mis in less than a year

djacobs: The game is on, Kath.

KittyKat: Davey, this was when I was thirteen! I’m sure I could read it in less time now.

KittyKat: How about we both start reading it at the same time, and whoever finishes it first wins.

djacobs: You’re on.

KittyKat: Do we start now?

djacobs: I don’t have the book yet, we should be in the same room the ensure that we both start at the exact same time.

KittyKat: Oh, smart.

KittyKat: I will fucking destroy you.

racer.higgins: Oh my god you guys are such nerds 

Sarah_Rose_J: Race I was just about to write that

KittyKat: Come on, you guys are just as nerdy as we are.

racer.higgins: How so

KittyKat: Race, two words: Math club.

KittyKat: Sarah, two words: Science fair.

Sarah_Rose_J: Touché

 

_ TUESDAY 12:27 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: Fireboy and Watergirl is the best game on coolmathgames fight me

wherefore_art_thou: Okay But What About Papa’s Pizzeria

mushmeyers: Also Ninja Painter

wherefore_art_thou: Ooh And Farafalla

finch_cortes: ummm this is run 2 erasure

c_morris: I hear what you guys are saying

c_morris: But what about Bloons Tower Defence

wherefore_art_thou: Oh Fuck Yeah

djacobs: You are all seventeen years of age.

thecoolestguyyouknow: I am seventeen years old and this is how Im spending my lunch break and if you want to fight me then fight me

c_morris: Davey I know I’m your boyfriend but you can fight me too

jackthecowbi: Colour World is the best and Davey u can fight me too

djacobs: I can’t believe my own boyfriends have turned against me.

djacobs: How will I ever go on?


	24. It is Wednesday my dudes

**Seventeen Edgy Teens™**

_WEDNESDAY 10:24 AM_

brianna.buttons: It is Wednesday my dudes

jackthecowboy: AAHHH!!

KittyKat: AAHHH!!

billhearstjr: AAHHH!!

darcyreid: AAHHH!!

finch_cortes: AAHHH!!

Sarah_Rose_J: AAHHH!!

mushmeyers: AAHHH!!

racer.higgins: AAHHH!!

c_morris: AAHHH!!

thecoolestguyyouknow: AAHHH!!

kidblink_baletti: AAHHH!!

ElmerK: AAHHH!!

jojo_delaguerra: AAHHH!!

wherefore_art_thou: AAHHH!!

djacobs: AAHHH!!

spotconlon: aahhh

jackthecowbi: Fuck u spot u broke the chain

spotconlon: excuse me for not wanting to ruin my all lowercase aesthetic

jackthecowbi: Breaking the chain for the #aesthetic

spotconlon: now youre getting it

brianna.buttons: Okay meme children, thank you all for your time

racer.higgins: Thanks meme mom

djacobs: I thought I was Mom?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Youre Mom and Bria is Meme Mom

thecoolestguyyouknow: Theres a difference

djacobs: Oh, I see.

 

_WEDNESDAY 5:19 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: I just realized that everyone in this chat has a nickname except for me

jackthecowbi: I don't have one

Sarah_Rose_J: Is jack not short for anything

jackthecowbi: What could jack possibly be short for???

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh I thought it was short for jackass

jackthecowbi: Rude

Sarah_Rose_J: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

djacobs: Hey, don’t talk to my boyfriend that way!

Sarah_Rose_J: David no offence but was that supposed to be intimidating

djacobs: Of course.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’ve heard you singing showtunes in the shower so many times

Sarah_Rose_J: I do not fear you

racer.higgins: Consider this

racer.higgins: Jack but its short for jackary

thecoolestguyyouknow: Jackary Kellary

mushmeyers: Jack but its spelt like Jach

finch_cortes: jachariah

wherefore_art_thou: I Don’t Have A Nickname Either

Sarah_Rose_J: Wait

Sarah_Rose_J: Is romeo your real name

wherefore_art_thou: Yes

Sarah_Rose_J: What the fuck kind of drugs were your parents on

wherefore_art_thou: S h a k e s p e a r e

kidblink_baletti: Ah yes Shakespeare my favourite drug of them all

thecoolestguyyouknow: My most favouritest drug

ElmerK: I don’t think I have a nickname

racer.higgins: Bria calls you El that counts

darcyreid: I don’t have a nickname.

billhearstjr: Texting in class, Darcy? I’m disappointed in you.

spotconlon: why are you guys still at school its past five

darcyreid: Let me explain to you a thing about  t i m e z o n e s.

spotconlon: fuck

racer.higgins: Spot is just special sometimes

spotconlon: race you dont know how to pronounce oyster

spotconlon: you do not get to judge

racer.higgins: I mean I guess thats fair

brianna.buttons: Wait El remember that time in middle school when Romeo called you Glue for a week straight

ElmerK: Ddgkhjh yes

ElmerK: Give me a minute

_ElmerK changed username to glue_

wherefore_art_thou: Skslksldkdf

glue: Hello friends I have returned

brianna.buttons: Imagine if that nickname stuck

brianna.buttons: Pun unintended

wherefore_art_thou: Then If You Guys Got Married You Would Be Mx. and Mrs. Glue Kasprzak

brianna.buttons: Excuse me???

glue: Married???

wherefore_art_thou: I Mean Like Hypothetically

wherefore_art_thou: And Obviously Far In The Future

glue: But that's so weird like when you start dating someone you know you're either going to marry them or break up

racer.higgins: Or murder them

brianna.buttons: I think if you kill someone that technically classifies as an unspoken breakup

racer.higgins: Oh yeah that makes sense

spotconlon: umm racer

racer.higgins: I'm not planning on killing you dw

spotconlon: thats reassuring

spotconlon: but even if you were i still love you ♡

racer.higgins: Aww I would still love you if you were planning to murder me too ♡

wherefore_art_thou: #Goals


	25. Jack can't utilize kitchen gadgets properly, pt. 1

**djacobs, c_morris, and jackthecowbi**

_ THURSDAY 12:03 PM _

jackthecowbi: So hypothetically if the purge happened

djacobs: Do we want to know where you're going with this?

jackthecowbi: If we all got married to eachother

jackthecowbi: Would we be allowed to stay legally married after

djacobs: That… was not was I was expecting.

c_morris: Probably??

c_morris: Idk I’ve never actually seen the movies

jackthecowbi: Okay good

c_morris: Jack

c_morris: Jack please don’t start a real life purge

djacobs: I’m with Crutchie on this one.

c_morris: Also we’ve only been dating for a little under two weeks

c_morris: This is just my opinion but I feel like its a bit early to discuss marriage

djacobs: Not to mention, we’re all in highschool.

jackthecowbi: Ugh u guys are such realists

_ djacobs changed group name to Two Rational People and Jack _

jackthecowbi: U know what that is fair

 

**Seventeen Edgy Teens™**

_ THURSDAY 1:31 PM _

spotconlon: does anyone else smell something burning

glue: Nope

kidblink_baletti: No

finch_cortes: i don’t

thecoolestguyyouknow: Me either

spotconlon: i swear i smell something burning

KittyKat: Is it toast? If so, you're probably just having a stroke.

spotconlon: thanks katherine thats helpful

spotconlon: wait fuck

spotconlon: i think it actually is toast

spotconlon: oh my god am i going to die

spotconlon: oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

KittyKat: Where are you?!

spotconlon: im in the kitchen

KittyKat: Oh! That explains it.

KittyKat: You’re not having a stroke, Jack burned some actual toast in there this morning.

spotconlon: oh thank fuck

spotconlon: also fuck you jack

jackthecowbi: What is it this time

spotconlon: i thought i was going to die for a full two minutes

spotconlon: all because you dont know how to work a toaster

jackthecowbi: I KNOW HOW TO WORK A TOASTER OKAY

jackthecowbi: That toaster is just garbage

KittyKat: That’s true, you would think the school has enough money to buy a decent toaster.

jackthecowbi: What if we just destroyed that toaster

jackthecowbi: Then theyd have to get a new one

spotconlon: thats actually pretty smart

KittyKat: Absolutely not.

spotconlon: aw

jackthecowbi: Aw


	26. Timeout Time

**Seventeen Edgy Teens™**

_FRIDAY 9:53 AM_

wherefore_art_thou: Who’s Ready To Meet My Boyfriend

racer.higgins: ARE YOU FOR REAL

thecoolestguyyouknow: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

glue: UM yes

jackthecowbi: yesyesyes

Sarah_Rose_J: Hell yeah

c_morris: Yes!!

_wherefore_art_thou added spectacles to Seventeen Edgy Teens™_

spectacles: Hey guys I’m Specs, Romeos boyfriend

c_morris: Hi!

Sarah_Rose_J: Nice to meet you!

jackthecowbi: Hey dude

glue: Hello!

racer.higgins: IT IS LITERALLY SO WONDERFUL TO MEET YOU

thecoolestguyyouknow: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wherefore_art_thou: Race And Albert Stop Being Weird Challenge

racer.higgins: Youre not my mom

wherefore_art_thou: DAVEY GET IN HERE

Sarah_Rose_J: So romeo and specs, how long have you guys been dating

spectacles: Almost six months

spectacles: I think??

wherefore_art_thou: Yeah Seems About Right

racer.higgins: exCUSE ME???

racer.higgins: Six months and YOU DIDNT TELL US???

wherefore_art_thou: Alright Timeout Time

_wherefore_art_thou removed racer.higgins from Seventeen Edgy Teens™_

wherefore_art_thou: Bye Race

wherefore_art_thou: Anyway

wherefore_art_thou: Does Specs Have Everyone’s Approval

spectacles: Romeo has been very concerned

Sarah_Rose_J: Concerned we wouldn't like you?

spectacles: More concerned that you guys were going to scare me off

Sarah_Rose_J: Ah yes that makes sense

wherefore_art_thou: Babe I Think I've Prepared You For The Chaos Adequately

wherefore_art_thou: Anyway, Approved?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Approved

jackthecowbi: Approved

glue: Approved! :D

c_morris: Approved!!

Sarah_Rose_J: Approved!

wherefore_art_thou: Yay!

spectacles: ♡

wherefore_art_thou: ♡

_thecoolestguyyouknow changed group name to Eighteen Edgy Teens™_

jackthecowbi: The chat is  e x p a n d i n g   a  t    t   h   e     s    p     e     e     d       o      f        f      a      s      t

Sarah_Rose_J: I mean technically theres still only 17 of us

Sarah_Rose_J: Bc race was kicked out

wherefore_art_thou: Yes But Race Will Soon Return

glue: That sounded so ominous

Sarah_Rose_J: Star Wars, Episode VI: Return of the Race

thecoolestguyyouknow: Sarah how do you know about Star Wars

thecoolestguyyouknow: Youre like the least nerdy person on earth

Sarah_Rose_J: Let me remind you that my family consists of: a) two people who grew up in the 70s/80s b) a 13y/o boy and c) david

thecoolestguyyouknow: Okay yeah that makes sense

 

**finch_cortes and mushmeyers**

_FRIDAY 4:16 PM_

finch_cortes: mush you’re good at romantic advice right?

mushmeyers: I like to think so

mushmeyers: Whats up?

finch_cortes: i really like this guy i know, but he’s most likely straight

finch_cortes: what do i do about this???

mushmeyers: Who is it

finch_cortes: doesn’t matter

mushmeyers: I mean if hes straight theres not much you can do about it

mushmeyers: All you can do is try to get over it

finch_cortes: you’re right you’re right

finch_cortes: the thing is, i’m not entirely sure if he’s actually straight

finch_cortes: like sometimes i think he might be mlm, but idk if it’s just me being gay and delusional??

mushmeyers: I mean you could just ask him

finch_cortes: nopenopenopenope

finch_cortes: absolutely not

mushmeyers: Copy that

mushmeyers: Make subtle gay jokes and see if he gets them?

finch_cortes: what’s an example of a subtle gay joke?

mushmeyers: Idk like “that poster isnt straight… just like me”

mushmeyers: See how he takes it

finch_cortes: i will attempt

 

**finch_cortes and thecoolestguyyouknow**

_FRIDAY 4:24 PM_

finch_cortes: yo al i’m like the leaning tower of pisa

thecoolestguyyouknow: Explain???

finch_cortes: because it’s leaning

finch_cortes: which means it’s not…?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Upright?

finch_cortes: uhhh nvm

thecoolestguyyouknow: I am confusion

finch_cortes: dw about it

 

**finch_cortes and mushmeyers**

_FRIDAY 4:29 PM_

finch_cortes: didn't work :(

mushmeyers: Thats too bad dude

mushmeyers: But just because he didnt get it doesnt necessary mean hes straight!

finch_cortes: okay but like odds are he is

mushmeyers: Come on man Im trying to make you feel better and youre just going against everything I say

finch_cortes: no i'm not

mushmeyers: Just dont lose hope!!

finch_cortes: how 'bout i do anyway

mushmeyers: Smh

finch_cortes: why don't i have a functioning gaydar???

finch_cortes: all i have is a completely useless please-be-gay-dar!!!

mushmeyers: Thats so sad Alexa play despacito

finch_cortes: that is a dead meme, come on mush i thought you were better than this

mushmeyers: You thought wrong


	27. JoJo the Cryptid

**Eighteen Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 8:25 AM _

Sarah_Rose_J: Bria where's your friend jojo I thought you added her

brianna.buttons: I did

brianna.buttons: She’s here

brianna.buttons: l u r k i n g

brianna.buttons: And then every once in a while she’ll show up

jojo_delaguerra: Hey guys! 

Sarah_Rose_J: *gasps* *whispers* you summoned her

jojo_delaguerra: You did 

jojo_delaguerra: Idk who any of you are btw

jojo_delaguerra: Except for bria and elmer

jojo_delaguerra: And kath bc I was at the party

c_morris: Lets do introductions!

brianna.buttons: Yes good plan

thecoolestguyyouknow: Oh we havent done one of these in a while

jojo_delaguerra: Are you albert

thecoolestguyyouknow: I am

jojo_delaguerra: Weird question, did we make out at the party

thecoolestguyyouknow: We did indeed ;)

jojo_delaguerra: Okay

jojo_delaguerra: Know this, it will not happen again

thecoolestguyyouknow: Its for the best

jojo_delaguerra: Agreed

Sarah_Rose_J: What did I just witness??? 

c_morris: ANYWAY I’m Crutchie he/him, my bfs are Jack and Davey but theyre too invested in a game of scrabble rn to text

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m sarah she/her, and I’m kaths gf

jojo_delaguerra: Oh I remember you! You were wearing those shoes that I loved!

Sarah_Rose_J: Ah tysm!!!

mushmeyers: I’m mush he/him and I’m dating blink 

mushmeyers: Hes at a sci fi convention this weekend cause hes a nErd

finch_cortes: i’m finch, he/him, and i am currently busy Suffering in Gay so goodbye

KittyKat: I’m Katherine, she/her pronouns.

KittyKat: I’m also going to introduce Bill and Darcy (both he/him), because they live in California and it is fucking early in California.

wherefore_art_thou: I’m Romeo He/Him And My Bf Is Specs Who Is Still Asleep

spotconlon: spot he/him and kath its fucking early here too

KittyKat: We’re not having this conversation again.

brianna.buttons: Is that everyone

glue: What about Race

wherefore_art_thou: FUCK I Forgot About Him

_ wherefore_art_thou added racer.higgins to Eighteen Edgy Teens™ _

racer.higgins: Its about FUCKING time

wherefore_art_thou: Sorry

glue: So Race was apparently just sitting around waiting to be added back

racer.higgins: Thats not was i was doing

racer.higgins: I have a life

glue: Bullshit

racer.higgins: Rude

racer.higgins: Anyway hi Jojo I’m Race he/him and dont be fooled, I do indeed have a life

racer.higgins: His name is Spot Conlon

spotconlon: aww racer

spotconlon: that kind of makes sense

racer.higgins: ♡

spotconlon: ♡

jackthecowbi: Guys does yeet count as a word in scrabble

djacobs: NO, it does NOT.

jackthecowbi: I’m not asking you I’m asking them

c_morris: Okay bye everyone I have to go break up a physical fight

KittyKat: Two types of relationships.

Sarah_Rose_J: The funny part is that its usually the other way around

jojo_delaguerra: I also have to leave

jojo_delaguerra: I must return to lurking, lest my cryptid status be revoked

 

**jojo_delaguerra and brianna.buttons**

_ SATURDAY 8:47 AM _

jojo_delaguerra: Hey, so I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay

jojo_delaguerra: Hope you’re chill with that

brianna.buttons: Of course I’m chill with it! I’d be a hypocrite if I wasn’t lmao

brianna.buttons: And I just realized I’ve never told you I’m bi so

brianna.buttons: I am  b i s e x u a l

jojo_delaguerra: I guess the wlws just subconsciously flock together 

brianna.buttons liked a message

brianna.buttons: Wait didn’t you just say that you made out with Al at the party

jojo_delaguerra: Lmao yes

jojo_delaguerra: It was not an enjoyable experience

jojo_delaguerra: It was actually how I realized

brianna.buttons: Oh Albert must feel so special

jojo_delaguerra: Adlfjdjkls

jojo_delaguerra: Thankfully he was chill

jojo_delaguerra: Though I can't imagine why

jojo_delaguerra: He’s missing out on quite a sNACK

brianna.buttons: That’s the level of self love I aspire to have

 

**finch_cortes and mushmeyers**

_ SATURDAY 9:03 AM _

finch_cortes: he’s straight

finch_cortes: my life is over

mushmeyers: Thats sucks dude

mushmeyers: But now you can start moving on

finch_cortes: hOW

mushmeyers: Um

mushmeyers: Cry

finch_cortes: i just did that for half an hour

mushmeyers: Watch happy movies

mushmeyers: But not and I repeat NOT romantic ones

finch_cortes: i’m gonna watch texas chainsaw massacre

mushmeyers: Thats an… interesting selection

finch_cortes: i watch horror movies to remind myself that i could always have it worse

mushmeyers: Fun

finch_cortes: you want to come over and watch with me?

mushmeyers: As much as I would love to watch people be butchered on screen, I'm about to facetime blink so I'll have to decline your generous offer

finch_cortes: oh so you’d rather spend time with your boyfriend than your friend who’s crying over a guy he never had a chance with in the first place i see how it is

 

**Nine-Nine Stans**

_ SATURDAY 12:20 PM _

racer.higgins: Out of context b99 go

KittyKat: “I am prepared to light Charles on fire in protest.”

spotconlon: “steal his kidney burn down his house replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues”

Sarah_Rose_J: “You took an oath to serve and protect, that applies to my soup!”

spotconlon: “my mom brought a passive aggressive turkey”

KittyKat: “Stop eating crab wrong!”

Sarah_Rose_J: “You will have your revenge on all New York City buses.”

KittyKat: “Are you on drugs?” “Yes, and you should too!”

spotconlon: “every time you talk i hear that sound that plays when pacman dies”

racer.higgins: Okay thank you everyone for your time

Sarah_Rose_J: Is this training for our marathon tonight

racer.higgins: Precisely

 

**finch_cortes and thecoolestguyyouknow**

_ SATURDAY 2:52 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: Dyou want to come over and watch Kid Gorgeous with me tonight

 

**finch_cortes and mushmeyers**

_ SATURDAY 2:53 PM _

finch_cortes: mush he just asked me to come over and watch a movie i’m scREAMING

mushmeyers: I thought you said he was straight

finch_cortes: i’m not even sure anymore

finch_cortes: do straight people like john mulaney

mushmeyers: EVERYONE LIKES JOHN MULANEY

finch_cortes: oh

finch_cortes: well you know what, i’m accepting and there’s nothing you can do about it

 

**finch_cortes and thecoolestguyyouknow**

_ SATURDAY 2:55 PM _

finch_cortes: sure! when?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Great does 8 work for you?

finch_cortes: ye

thecoolestguyyouknow: Awesome see you then!

 

**Eighteen Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 8:04 PM _

racer.higgins: HEY anyone want to come watch Brooklyn 99 with me spot kath and sarah

jackthecowbi: Sorry, got plans with Crutchie and Dave

brianna.buttons: Can't El and I have a date tonight

Thecoolestguyyouknow: Seeing a movie with Finch, sorry Race

spectacles: Romeo and I can’t make it either, we’re hanging out tonight

mushmeyers: I’m facetiming blink again tonight sorry

thecoolestguyyouknow: Dude hes only gone for the weekend youre acting like he moved to a different continent

racer.higgins: So I guess its date night for everyone tonight

thecoolestguyyouknow: I mean not for me I just said Im with Finch

finch_cortes: yeah, this isn’t a date lmao

racer.higgins: That's what you think ;)

thecoolestguyyouknow: ???

finch_cortes: umm

 

_ SATURDAY 10:07 PM _

Sarah_Ro se_J: Don't say a white tiger on cocaine, cause I will lose it

jackthecowbi: Sarah what

racer.higgins: Its b99 you uncultured fool

jackthecowbi: What is that show even about like I honestly cant tell

KittyKat: It’s about a lawful good police captain trying to wrangle his squad of chaotic good detectives.

jackthecowbi: Oh so like davey with all of us

KittyKat: Exactly!

 

**finch_cortes and thecoolestguyyouknow**

_ SATURDAY 11:56 PM _

finch_cortes: hey, i had a lot of fun tonight!

thecoolestguyyouknow: I had fun too, we should hang out more often

finch_cortes: have you ever seen the show schitt's creek

finch_cortes: or schitt’$ creek

thecoolestguyyouknow: I have not whats it about

finch_cortes: if you’ve ever seen arrested development the setup is kind of the same

thecoolestguyyouknow: Oh that sounds pretty cool

finch_cortes: you could come over to my place and watch it with me this weekend

finch_cortes: or whenever’s good for you

finch_cortes: it's chill

thecoolestguyyouknow: Next weekend sounds good

finch_cortes: great!

 

**Three Bros Chillin’**

_ SATURDAY 11:58 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: You guys were right I totally have a crush on Finch


	28. The Bet

**Three Bros Chillin’**

_SUNDAY 12:15 AM_

racer.higgins: FUCKIN CALLED IT

wherefore_art_thou: YES WE KNEW IT

thecoolestguyyouknow: But like hes probably straight I dont want to make a big deal out of this

wherefore_art_thou: Well Then You Came To The Wrong People

thecoolestguyyouknow: Just dont tell anyone else pls

racer.higgins: Gotcha

racer.higgins: Also if you don’t mind me asking are you gay or bi or what??

thecoolestguyyouknow: I honestly have no fuckin clue lmao

wherefore_art_thou: That’s So Fucking Valid

 

**Eighteen Edgy Teens™**

_SUNDAY 11:38 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Hey y'all

djacobs: Sarah, we agreed that I would be the one to pitch this.

Sarah_Rose_J: Ugh fine

racer.higgins: Whats up you gays

racer.higgins: Guys*

Sarah_Rose_J: Jdskaksddslkj

jackthecowbi: Race u did that on purpose didn't u

racer.higgins: Perhaps

djacobs: Guys, we’re getting off-topic already.

djacobs: So our brother just got Instagram and he's been begging us to add him to the group chat, so if we add him would you guys try to keep it relatively PG?

KittyKat: I will. Unfortunately, I can't speak for everyone else.

jackthecowbi: Kath probably you swear the most out of all of us irl wtf

Sarah_Rose_J: I mean les probably swears more than we do collectively tbh

glue: Isn’t Les like eight

Sarah_Rose_J: 13

glue: Same thing

Sarah_Rose_J: Not really???

Sarah_Rose_J: Do you need a math tutor or smth

glue: Probably lmao

glue: But who needs math amiright

KittyKat: BIG agree.

jackthecowbi: YES

jackthecowbi: We artists writers and actors dont need MATH

KittyKat liked a message

glue liked a message

djacobs: Can we add Les to the chat or not?

jackthecowbi: Ye go ahead

_djacobs added yaboy_les to Eighteen Edgy Teens™_

racer.higgins: uGh A cRiNgY tHiRtEeN yEaR oLd

thecoolestguyyouknow: wHo AdDeD tHe GrEmLiN

yaboy_les: iM nOt A gReMlIn Im A tHiRd GrAdEr

thecoolestguyyouknow: Asdfglklsj hey dude whats up

yaboy_les: Davey sarah and i are sitting in the living room on our phones

racer.higgins: Fun times

_racer.higgins changed group name to Nineteen Edgy Teens™_

yaboy_les: Davey just left

yaboy_les: Sarah just left

yaboy_les: Im alone

racer.higgins: Do you know how to play poker

yaboy_les: Nope

racer.higgins: K come to my place i'll teach you

racer.higgins: Al you come too

thecoolestguyyouknow: Litty lit be there in a bit

racer.higgins: Nvm youre uninvited

thecoolestguyyouknow: No please Ill be good

racer.higgins: Alright fine get over here

racer.higgins: Lets teach this kid how to GAMBLE LIKE A PRO

thecoolestguyyouknow: HELL yeah

yaboy_les: HELL yeah

Sarah_Rose_J: Race and al stop corrupting my brother challenge

 

_SUNDAY 5:39 PM_

racer.higgins: My dudes I need new shoes

racer.higgins: These ones are basically disintegrating and the laces don’t even match

KittyKat: That’s rough.

spotconlon: racer lets go shoe shopping after school one day

racer.higgins: Babe you hate shopping

spotconlon: yeah but you don't take very long to buy stuff

spotconlon: like you know what youre there for

racer.higgins: Ye and you just grab the first thing you see off the shelf and youre like ‘this is a perfect choice! my immediate judgement is flawless!’

spotconlon: yep

spotconlon: i mean my dad once bought a washing machine because he owned the same shirt as the guy in the commercial so

spotconlon: his logic was that if the guy in the commercial had the same shirt as he did then they must have the same general taste in clothes and if it worked with commercial guys clothes than it would work with his as well

KittyKat: One time my mom had to buy a new rain jacket, and she had a binder full of research by the time she was ready to buy it.

racer.higgins: I guess its like parent like child with you guys

spotconlon: lmao yeah

spotconlon: kitty is your mom amy santiago

KittyKat: I keep teasing her about it, but she never gets the references.

KittyKat: I need to force her to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

spotconlon: everyone should watch brooklyn nine nine

KittyKat: I know, it’s a masterpiece.

 

_SUNDAY 7:26 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: I want ice cream

Sarah_Rose_J: And chocolate

Sarah_Rose_J: But not chocolate ice cream

jackthecowbi: Are u pregnant

Sarah_Rose_J: WHAT THE FUCK

jackthcowbi: I though when people wanted chocolate and ice cream it means theyre pregnant

Sarah_Rose_J: No???

c_morris: I thought that was olives and ice cream

Sarah_Rose_J: It is

jackthecowbi: Same thing

c_morris: Babe I feel compelled to tell you that olives and chocolate are not the same thing

wherefore_art_thou: You Guys Are All Wrong

wherefore_art_thou: Its Celery And Ice Cream

Sarah_Rose_J: That is… not correct

racer.higgins: For some reason I was about to say alcohol and cigarettes but that’s what you're not allowed to have right

thecoolestguyyouknow: Race you dumbass

thecoolestguyyouknow: Also I thought it was cilantro and ice cream

Sarah_Rose_J: Al don't be ridiculous no one likes cilantro

djacobs: Isn’t there a scientific reason for why some people like cilantro and some people don't?

Sarah_Rose_J: Get the fuck out of here with your SCIENCE

djacobs: Sarah, you're literally at the top of your science class.

djacobs: Also, it's cucumber and ice cream.

finch_cortes: that's was I thought too

racer.higgins: We should bet on it

wherefore_art_thou: That Is A Horrible Idea

wherefore_art_thou: Lets Do It

racer.higgins: So we have: chocolate, olives, celery, cilantro, and cucumber

racer.higgins: Everyone place your bets

KittyKat: Fifty dollars on cucumber.

djacobs: Maybe we should limit it to a certain amount?

KittyKat: Davey, I bet on the same thing as you.

djacobs: Never mind, bet as much as you want because I know I’m right.

djacobs: I bet fifteen dollars, also on cucumber.

Sarah_Rose_J: 10$ on olives

c_morris: Same

spotconlon: fifteen bucks on cilantro

mushmeyers: 20 on cilantro

thecoolestguyyouknow: 25 dollars on cilantro

spotconlon: i changed my mind twenty six bucks

mushmeyers: You really have one up everyone dont you

spotconlon: yes

kidblink_baletti: I also think its cilantro, 10$

racer.higgins: I should probably be writing this down

spectacles: It is absolutely cucumber

spectacles: $20

jojo_delaguerra: I’m putting my cryptid status at risk yet again to potentially make money

jojo_delaguerra: Ten dollars on olives

jackthecowbi: However much money I have in my pocket rn on chocolate

jackthecowbi: $8.72

wherefore_art_thou: $15 On Celery

glue: Same

brianna.buttons: $10 on cilantro

yaboy_les: Am i allowed to participate

racer.higgins: Ofc

yaboy_les: 5$ on chocolate

jackthecowbi: Ye bro

finch_cortes: I just realized i forgot to bet, 10$ on cucumber

darcyreid: What are we betting on?

racer.higgins: What food pregnant people eat with ice cream

darcyreid: Okaaay?

racer.higgins: Chocolate, olives, celery, cilantro, or cucumber

racer.higgins: Place your bets

darcyreid: $50.00 for olives.

billhearstjr: Sixty dollars on cilantro.

racer.higgins: Wow I forgot you guys were so rich

racer.higgins: Alright I tallied it all up

racer.higgins: We have a total of $309.72 on the line looks like you all have gambling problems

thecoolestguyyouknow: Oh youre one to talk

racer.higgins: I’m googling it

racer.higgins: ...

racer.higgins: Well this is underwhelming

thecoolestguyyouknow: Oh no what is it

racer.higgins: ...its pickles

thecoolestguyyouknow: fUCK

jackthecowbi: So i guess no one wins?

racer.higgins: Guess not

racer.higgins: Everyone can take their money back

spectacles: So uh not to be That Guy

spectacles: But technically a pickle is a cucumber

KittyKat: FUCK YES.

finch_cortes: WE WON

djacobs: SPECS, YOU HERO.

racer.higgins: Theres four of you right

finch_cortes: ye

racer.higgins: So you each get $77.43

finch_cortes: holy shit that’s a lot of money

djacobs: Wait, for the people who aren’t in New York, how do we get the money from there to here?

jojo_delaguerra: Idk I can just mail it to someone I guess

glue: Yeah just put a 10 dollar bill in the mail, that'll go over great

jojo_delaguerra: I'll send a card with it

glue: Okay yeah do that

billhearstjr: PayPal, you guys. Just. PayPal.


	29. Jack can't utilize kitchen gadgets properly, pt. 2

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 9:58 AM_

spotconlon: i never thought my life would lead to me helping jack get his drugstore panini out of the toaster oven with a fork and yet here i am

brianna.buttons: You're putting a fork in a toaster oven???

spotconlon: well we unplugged it first

jackthecowbi: Yeah dw Bria we aren't that dumb

KittyKat: Jack, I think you need to get better at working kitchen technology.

jackthecowbi: Wdym

KittyKat: I mean, last week with the toaster and now this? You're bound to burn down the entire school by the end of the year.

jackthecowbi: Okay not the entire school

jackthecowbi: Maybe like half

KittyKat: That's much better.

spotconlon: so jack are you just going to text people about your panini while i actually try to do something about it

jackthecowbi: If u can get it out intact ill give u half

spotconlon: all the little toppings are completely burnt

brianna.buttons: It really do be like that

spotconlon: jack are you sure you want to eat this

jackthecowbi: Of course I do its my breakfast

djacobs: Babe, legit question: When was the last time you ate a vegetable?

jackthecowbi: I distinctly remember eating some lettuce off the table at kaths party

KittyKat: Gross.

djacobs: When was the last time you ate a vegetable that wasn't table lettuce?

jackthecowbi: Uhhh idk

jackthecowbi: Does tomato sauce count as a vegetable

brianna.buttons: Tomatoes are fruits

djacobs: Jack, you should eat a vegetable.

jackthecowbi: HEY AT LEAST IM NOT A METH ADDICT

djacobs: The bar really is on the floor for you, isn't it.

spotconlon: can someone tell jack to help me with the panini

spotconlon: this is not working out at all

jackthecowbi: Aw fuck

jackthecowbi: Is my breakfast just ruined beyond repair

spotconlon: probably

brianna.buttons: Rip Jack

jackthecowbi: I'm just going to sit in the kitchen and sulk then

KittyKat: Have fun.

jackthecowbi: WAIT

jackthecowbi: ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST

jackthecowbi: Mr denton just came along and got it out for us  b l e s s

 

_MONDAY 2:28 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Guess who's a runner up in the regional science fair bitchesss

Sarah_Rose_J: Because it wasn't me

Sarah_Rose_J: BECAUSE I WON IT

KittyKat: Sarah!! That's amazing, I'm so proud of you!!! ♡♡♡

racer.higgins: Yeet bro thats pretty cash money

c_morris: Kind of an emotion roller coaster but YAY

jackthecowbi: Eyyy good job dude

spotconlon: nice

Sarah_Rose_J: Side note can someone come pick me up

Sarah_Rose_J: I don’t feel like waiting for the subway

djacobs: I’ll come get you when school ends.

Sarah_Rose_J: Can anyone come get me now?

Sarah_Rose_J: I want to be home asap

jackthecowbi: Sarah were all in school for another 1½ hours

Sarah_Rose_J: Since when do you care about school

jackthecowbi: U know what ur right

jackthecowbi: Where are u? I'll skip last period

djacobs: Babe, please don’t skip last period.

Sarah_Rose_J: Columbia university

jackthecowbi: Davey can I borrow ur car

djacobs: Jack, you’re not going anywhere. Sarah, you can take the subway home or wait for school to end and I’ll come get you.

jackthecowbi: Is that a yes or a no

djacobs: No.

jackthecowbi: *sadly* yeehaw…

Sarah_Rose_J: Jack wtf

djacobs: Go bother someone else for their car if you really want to, but I will not be involved in you getting in trouble for skipping.

jackthecowbi: Davey… I can't believe this… im ur loving boyfriend

jackthecowbi: Also ur the only one with a car

djacobs: Then it looks like you’ll have to stay here.

spectacles: I have a car if you want to borrow it

jackthecowbi: I will absolutely take u up on that offer

jackthecowbi: Full disclosure I don’t actually have a drivers license

spectacles: Dude I'm like legally blind, do you really think I care

spectacles: Like as long as you don't completely wreck it, it's all good

djacobs: NO, IT MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT.

Sarah_Rose_J: Dude can you chill

djacobs: Forgive me for not wanting my boyfriend to get in a car crash and die.

Sarah_Rose_J: David dad let us drive his car when we were like 12, calm yourself

djacobs: Yeah, in a parking lot.

djacobs: There’s kind of a difference between a parking lot and a main road, Sarah.

Sarah_Rose_J: Really

Sarah_Rose_J: I was not aware

Sarah_Rose_J: Enlighten me david

jackthecowbi: e n l i g h t e n  m e d a d d y

Sarah_Rose_J: JACK NO

djacobs: JACK, WHY?

racer.higgins: First of all Davey is mom

Sarah_Rose_J: Is that really your biggest problem with this

Sarah_Rose_J: And jack are you coming to get me or not

jackthecowbi: I don't want to freak davey out so apparently not

Sarah_Rose_J: Thanks FRIEND

KittyKat: Babe, I’ll call you an Uber.

Sarah_Rose_J: THANK YOU

Sarah_Rose_J: SOMEONE is trying to HELP

Sarah_Rose_J: I’ll pay you back tomorrow baby

KittyKat: Oh, don’t worry about it!

Sarah_Rose_J: No i’m going to feel guilty if i don’t

KittyKat: It’s fine! Really!

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay but our next date is on me

KittyKat: What did I do to deserve you? ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: ♡♡♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY, so I wrote the first part of this chapter in the middle of class as it was happening in real life. Why someone decided it would be a good idea to give us access to a toaster oven, I have no idea.


	30. No Hetero

**jackthecowbi and KittyKat**

_TUESDAY 2:46 AM_

jackthecowbi: I feel like I come to u for relationship advice alot but I need some relationship advice

KittyKat: Jack, just because I’m dating Sarah doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

jackthecowbi: I just need some advice and ur the most levelheaded out of all of us (did I use levelheaded right?)

KittyKat: What about Davey? (Yes, you used level headed right.)

jackthecowbi: Last I checked davey is PART OF MY RELATIONSHIP THAT I NEED ADVICE ON

KittyKat: Oh, right.

jackthecowbi: I take back what I said about u being levelheaded

KittyKat: Rude and disrespectful.

jackthecowi: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

KittyKat: Carry on.

jackthecowbi: I’m definitely in love with both of them how do I tell them

jackthecowbi: Am I supposed to tell them yet its still so early in the relationship

KittyKat: If you’re sure, I say go for it.

KittyKat: You guys are the cutest triad in school.

jackthecowbi: Were the only triad in school

KittyKat: Exactly, therefore you’re the cutest.

KittyKat: And you’re probably one of the cutest relationships in general.

KittyKat: After me and Sarah.

KittyKat: And Bria and Elmer.

KittyKat: So third overall, which is still really good.

jackthecowbi: What about race and spot

KittyKat: They’re pretty close, but you’re still cuter.

KittyKat: Don’t tell them I said that, I’m not in the mood to die today.

jackthecowbi: I mean theyd probably just aggressively make out at any given opportunity to prove you wrong

KittyKat: Still, no one wants that.

jackthecowbi: Were getting offtopic what am i supposed to do with dave and crutchie

KittyKat: Just go tell them!

jackthecowbi: What if they dont love me back though

KittyKat: Have you SEEN the way they look at you? I guarantee they both do.

jackthecowbi: I'll do it right now over text because theyre asleep.

KittyKat: Or you could go to bed now and do it in the morning in person.

jackthecowbi: Hypocrite ur awake too

KittyKat: Goodnight!

jackthecowbi: Ily Kath no hetero

KittyKat: Love you too, no hetero.

 

**Two Rational People and Jack**

_TUESDAY 2:58 AM_

jackthecowbi: Yo so I know ur both asleep but I just wanted to say that I love u guys a lot ♡

 

_TUESDAY 7:03 AM_

c_morris: Ngl I woke up, saw this, and cried

c_morris: Happy crying dw

c_morris: I love you both a lot too!! ♡

djacobs: I love you both as well. I love you guys so much. ♡

c_morris: Do you guys want to go Jacobis after school?

djacobs: Sure!

jackthecowbi: Okay I just woke up and wow I’m relieved

c_morris: Were you worried we weren’t going say it back lmao

jackthecowbi: …no

c_morris: Aww you totally were!!

djacobs: That’s so cute!

jackthecowbi: Cuter than u? I think not

_c_morris changed group name to We are #goals_

 

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 12:32 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Duolingo leave me the fuck alone challenge

djacobs: If you actually did the lessons, then it wouldn’t send you notifications all the time. You know that, right?

Sarah_Rose_J: This little green motherfucker i stg

Sarah_Rose_J: David why did you make me do this

Sarah_Rose_J: You know google translate is a thing

djacobs: Google Translate is not at all accurate.

djacobs: And I didn’t make you do anything. You said you wanted to learn Spanish, and I suggested Duolingo.

Sarah_Rose_J: Sal de aquí con tu lógica

KittyKat: Come on, Sarah! It’s beneficial to be bilingual!

Sarah_Rose_J: But its hARD

KittyKat: You just have to keep trying! I believe in you!

Sarah_Rose_J: Trying requires effort

KittyKat: Mais ca paye! Si tu es bilingue, tu peux avoir plus d'opportunités pour l'emploi dans le futur, tu peux voyager à plus d’endroits dans le monde, etc.

Sarah_Rose_J: That’s not even the language I’m learning you’re just doing that to flex

KittyKat: Tu peux embêter ta copine.

Sarah_Rose_J: But on the other hand it’s kind of hot

Sarah_Rose_J: Do it more

KittyKat: Gruau instantané, mode de préparation: Vider le sachet dans un bol. Ajouter environ un demi tasse d'eau bouillante ou de lait chaud. Remuer. Laisser reposer pendant deux minutes avant de servir.

Sarah_Rose_J: What does that mean? ♡

KittyKat: It’s how to make instant oatmeal.

Sarah_Rose_J: …

racer.higgins: Ha get rekt sarah

Sarah_Rose_J: Great now I need to learn french too

racer.higgins: Well since youre learning Spanish, just learn Italian when youre done then subtract the Spanish from the Italian and you get French

spotconlon: is this a side effect from dating race or did that just make sense

racer.higgins: Dw babe im just corrupting you ♡

spotconlon: sei il peggiore e ti amo

racer.higgins: Ti amo anch’io

 

_TUESDAY 2:41 PM_

brianna.buttons: Guess who’s back from suspension who we hate

brianna.buttons: Morris Delancey

c_morris: Fuck

jackthecowbi: Hate that guy

brianna.buttons: Guess how I found out

thecoolestguyyouknow: How

brianna.buttons: I was paired with him for a partner project bc they do it by last names

jackthecowbi: Rip Bria

brianna.buttons: And you’re all going to love this, he looks like a

brianna.buttons: A

thecoolestguyyouknow: A what

brianna.buttons: A

glue: E-boy she’s trying to say e-boy

brianna.buttons: Thanks babe I’m trying to salvage at least some of my innocence

jackthecowbi: I think ur innocence was long gone when u started dating Elmer and became friends with us

glue: So what you're saying is that this is my fault

jackthecowbi: Yes

glue: Well I’m terribly sorry for the actions of 9th grade me

brianna.buttons: I’m not ♡

glue: You know what, me neither ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: Can we just appreciate how the two shyest kids were the biggest couple in the school for like a year

brianna.buttons: Yeah and then you and Kath had to RUIN IT with your ADORABLENESS

Sarah_Rose_J: #suckitbelmer

kidblink_baletti: You also overshadowed Mush and me which sucked because we were about to overshadow them

Sarah_Rose_J: #suckitblush

kidblink_baletti: #fuckyouidontknowwhatyourshipnamewouldbe

glue: Satherine

brianna.buttons: Karah

Sarah_Rose_J: I like karah better

Sarah_Rose_J: Satherine sounds like it could be spot and katherine

KittyKat: There’s no chance of that happening at all, but okay.

spotconlon: absolutely not

jackthecowbi: Ha spot Kath rejected u first get rekt

c_morris: When did we all start saying get rekt

jackthecowbi: I think it just sort of happened

KittyKat: Like climate change.

jackthecowbi: Um okay

KittyKat: It starts out slow but gradually morphs into the oncoming apocalypse, and then before you know it, BOOM the ice caps are gone along with our last hopes of survival on this Earth.

brianna.buttons: This conversation took a very dark turn

brianna.buttons: Anyway yeah, Morris Delancey is an e-boy now, that was all I came to say


	31. The Woild is yer Erster

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ WEDNESDAY 1:46 AM _

brianna.buttons: Anyone else ever start sewing a skirt thinking you're just going to do a little and then all of a sudden it's almost two and you're finished

jackthecowbi: ^this but with painting^

KittyKat: This, but with writing.

brianna.buttons: Eyyyy we’re the Tired Creators™

KittyKat: Sleep? Don’t know her.

jackthecowbi: Lmao imagine having a regulated sleep schedule

brianna.buttons: #cantrelate

 

_ WEDNESDAY _ _ 7:09 PM _

racer.higgins: Yo Katherine five dollars if you change your user to litty_kitty

KittyKat: Race, why.

racer.higgins: Al and i have made a list of usernames for people that are better than the ones you already have

KittyKat: If I change mine, you have to change yours.

racer.higgins: To what

KittyKat: I'll think about it.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Davey change yours to momfriend_davey

djacobs: Hmm, I feel like you could have come up with something better.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Youre just saying that to get out of changing it

djacobs: Maybe so.

Sarah_Rose_J: Do y'all got one for me

racer.higgins: Ye its uwu_sarah

Sarah_Rose_J: OKAY I SAID UWU ONE TIME  I R O N I C A L L Y

racer.higgins: And many times since unironically

Sarah_Rose_J: I hate you

thecoolestguyyouknow: And as we all know saying uwu unironically is a slippery slope to becoming an e-girl

racer.higgins: Sorry how the fuck do those things relate

thecoolestguyyouknow: Do not question the laws of the uwu

Sarah_Rose_J: I AM NOT AN E-GIRL

Sarah_Rose_J: FUCK YOU ALBERT

KittyKat: Don't worry babe, I’d still love you if you became an e-girl.

Sarah_Rose_J: I’d say the same for you but I honestly couldn’t see that happening in a million years

racer.higgins: Lmao Kath i'm picturing you as an e-girl

racer.higgins: Actually I can barely see it youre like the polar opposite of an e-girl

KittyKat: Okay??

Sarah_Rose_J: Let’s end this conversation now

KittyKat: Oh! Race, I came up with a great new username for you!

racer.higgins: Do tell

KittyKat: theworldisyour_erster

racer.higgins: THAT WAS ONE TIME WHY DO YOU GUYS KEEP BRINGING IT UP

Sarah_Rose_J: Maybe because it’s fucking hilarious

racer.higgins: I’m not changing my user to that

KittyKat: You are if you want me to change mine.

racer.higgins: Hhhhhhhhhh

_ racer.higgins changed username to theworldisyour_erster _

theworldisyour_erster: Are you happy now

KittyKat: Very!

theworldisyour_erster: Your turn

_ KittyKat changed username to litty_kitty _

litty_kitty: I regret this so much already.

litty_kitty: You know what? You said I had to change it, you never said I had to keep it.

_ litty_kitty changed username to KittyKat _

KittyKat: Much better!

Sarah_Rose_J: Balance has been restored

theworldisyour_erster: I think i’ll keep mine its growing on me


	32. Jack can't utilize kitchen gadgets properly, pt. 3

**spotconlon and KittyKat**

_THURSDAY 1:38 PM_

spotconlon: hey kitty remember when you told us not to destroy the toaster

KittyKat: I'm sorry, you DESTROYED THE TOASTER??

spotconlon: not on purpose

KittyKat: BUT YOU STILL DID IT.

spotconlon: it was more jack than me

spotconlon: i just told him to throw water on it when we set it on fire

KittyKat: Oh my god.

spotconlon: he threw juice on it thinking it was water

KittyKat: I can't believe this is happening.

spotconlon: then the toaster started making weird noises and shooting electric sparks

spotconlon: im thinking someones going to have to buy a new one

KittyKat: And you're telling me all this because…

spotconlon: as opposed to who

KittyKat: I don't know, A TEACHER?

spotconlon: but then wed get in trouble

KittyKat: Since when do either of you care about getting in trouble?

spotconlon: since it involves accidentally blowing up toasters

KittyKat: The toaster EXPLODED?!?

spotconlon: yeah just now as i was texting you

KittyKat: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SO CHILL???

spotconlon: oh im never chill im actually constantly freaking out i just didnt want you to know that

KittyKat: But you just told me??

spotconlon: yeah but this is an understandable thing to be freaking out about now how much trouble do you think wed be in if we threw the toaster out the window

spotconlon: hypothetically

KittyKat: SPOT, GO TELL SOMEONE.

spotconlon: NO

KittyKat: Wow, I think that's the first time I've ever seen you use capital letters!

spotconlon: not now kitty its an emergency

KittyKat: Wait, how did this even happen?

spotconlon: so jack and i went to the drug store to buy poptarts for lunch

KittyKat: Poptarts… for lunch…

spotconlon: then we remembered that theyre healthier when you toast them

KittyKat: That can’t be true.

spotconlon: no it is

spotconlon: race told me

KittyKat: That’s your first sign that it’s not true.

spotconlon: anyway i think the toaster must have been on the wrong setting or something because the poptarts caught on fire

spotconlon: and you know the rest

KittyKat: Wild.

spotconlon: oh okay shocking update

spotconlon: mr snyder just walked in and said and i quote ‘what the actual fuck are you boys doing’

KittyKat: Oh my god.

spotconlon: jack said ‘well quick getaway time’ and climbed out the window

spotconlon: anyway im on my way to his office and youre cordially invited to my funeral

 

**spotconlon and jojo_delaguerra**

_THURSDAY 2:03 PM_

spotconlon: youd better appreciate your kneecaps while you still have them

spotconlon: oh fuck sorry jojo

spotconlon: that was for jack im so sorry

jojo_delaguerra: Asdklsfdph I just burst out laughing in the middle of class

spotconlon: again i apologize

jojo_delaguerra: Lmao its okay

 

**spotconlon and jackthecowbi**

_THURSDAY 2:04 PM_

spotconlon: youd better appreciate your kneecaps while you still have them

jackthecowbi: Sorry I jumped out the window and left u to face the wrath of Snyder alone

jackthecowbi: Also u didn't snitch on me did u?

spotconlon: jack

spotconlon: he fucking saw you jump out the window i didnt have to

jackthecowbi: Shit

jackthecowbi: How much trouble did u get in

spotconlon: i think i got in more trouble for panicking and yelling ‘i want my lawyer’

jackthecowbi: Lmao nice

spotconlon: also we both have detention after school and if you dont show up then im going to be in more trouble because theyre going to think i didnt tell you

spotconlon: so if you value your kneecaps youd better be there

jackthecowbi: Okay see u then!

 

**theworldisyour_erster and spotconlon**

_THURSDAY 2:10 PM_

spotconlon: hey racer i have detention today because jack sucks

theworldisyour_erster: Aw that sucks

theworldisyour_erster: Does this happen to have anything to do with the fact that he climbed out of a window at lunch

spotconlon: actually yes

theworldisyour_erster: Well then spill the tea

spotconlon: poptarts were bought toasters were destroyed katherine was very concerned you get it

theworldisyour_erster: Alright then have fun in detention

spotconlon: i shall attempt

theworldisyour_erster: Ily ♡

spotconlon: i love you too ♡

 

**We are #goals**

_THURSDAY 4:11 PM_

c_morris: Jack where are you?

jackthecowbi: Oh I'm in detention sorry I forgot to tell u

c_morris: Whatd you do?

jackthecowbi: I set the toaster on fire, tried to put it out with juice, made it explode, and tried to escape via the window

c_morris: Ha nice

djaocbs: How does this keep happening?

jackthecowbi: I mean did u expect me to NOT set anything on fire this year

jackthecowbi: I have a 3 year streak I’m not breaking that now

djacobs: Fair enough.

jackthecowbi: Now I'm sitting in snyders office and spot is glaring at me

c_morris: Oof

djacobs: When are you getting out?

jackthecowbi: Uhhh like 45 mins

djacobs: So can we just leave?

jackthecowbi:  Sure y'all can abandon me

c_morris: Love you, bye! ♡

djacobs: Bye love, we'll talk to you at five! ♡

jackthecowbi: Wow

jackthecowbi: Ur not even gonna TRY breaking me out??? I see how it is

jackthecowbi: Love u both too ♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't already noticed, Spot and Katherine is my brOTP.


	33. Does Katherine Pulitzer is Time Traveller?

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ FRIDAY 8:28 AM _

jackthecowbi: Y'all wanna hear some tea

Sarah_Rose_J: Always 

wherefore_art_thou: Do You Even Have To Ask

jackthecowbi: My mom is dating the school guidance counsellor

Sarah_Rose_J: Huh

jackthecowbi: At least I think they're dating

wherefore_art_thou: What Makes You Think So

jackthecowbi: Well ms Hannah dropped her off at home really late last night and they hugged in the doorway for a really long time

jackthecowbi: But like idk they could just be friends

Sarah_Rose_J: JuSt GaLs BeInG pAlS

KittyKat: Ms. Hannah is the best out of all the school staff, fight me.

c_morris: I know right 

jackthecowbi: Why does she like u guys so much

KittyKat: It's because the rest of you are so batshit crazy that we seem normal and well behaved by comparison.

c_morris: Little does she know we’re the craziest of them all (insert evil laugh that I don’t feel like figuring out how to spell)

KittyKat: Very true.

jackthecowbi: Ur like the ‘looks like a cinnamon roll, could actually kill u’ on that scale

c_morris: And you’re “looks like they could kill you, is actually a cinnamon roll”

jackthecowbi: Aww babe

jackthecowbi: Thats the nicest thing anyones ever said to me

c_morris: Thats worrying!

jackthecowbi: U know what else is worrying? MY MOTHER DATING THE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR

KittyKat: The only reason you have a problem with it is because you’ll never be able to get away with anything ever again.

jackthecowbi: Perhaps

c_morris: No more setting fire to toasters for you, how sad

jackthecowbi: I mean technically it was the poptart that was on fire, the toaster just caused it

c_morris: Technicalities

jackthecowbi: Technicalities babey!

 

_ FRIDAY 10:35 PM _

jackthecowbi: Sometimes I wonder if katherine is a timetraveller from the 1950s and/or 1800s

KittyKat: Are you high?

jackthecowbi: Thats besides the point

KittyKat: Well, maybe I am. You can’t prove that I’m not.

djacobs: Are you BOTH high?

jackthecowbi: No babe think about it

jackthecowbi: Literally everyone in her family has an old timey sounding name

jackthecowbi: I have never seen her wear jeans even once

jackthecowbi: Her house was built in like the 1700s

djacobs: Those reasons are weak.

djacobs: How about: She owns a typewriter and a rotary phone, she still doesn’t know how Snapchat works, and when you’re in her house you can always hear the faint sound of 1940s jazz music.

KittyKat: Holy shit… maybe I am a time traveller…

jackthecowbi: Wouldn’t u know if u were

KittyKat: Maybe my parents are and I was too young to remember when we came here.

KittyKat: Maybe they have some secret time machine in the basement.

KittyKat: Maybe I should find it and go back in time and stop World War Two.

jackthecowbi: Kath u can’t interfere with established history

jackthecowbi: I heard that on doctor who when I was in the room while Davey was watching doctor who

djacobs: Hey, why does everyone say they’re going to go back in time and stop World War Two? Why not World War One?

jackthecowbi: Wow I never thought about that

KittyKat: World War One is like the first child who everyone forgets about when their little sibling is born.

jackthecowbi: 10/10 best explanation 

 

_ FRIDAY 11:38 PM _

finch_cortes: i think i just found the weirdest asmr video ever

finch_cortes sent a link to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

wherefore_art_thou: Good Attempt But This Is The Weirdest ASMR Video Ever

wherefore_art_thou sent a link to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

finch_ cortes: ‘turning you into a raincloud’ yeah i stand corrected

c_morris: I can’t find it right now but I once saw an asmr video where someone just read the entire Bee Movie script

wherefore_art_thou: Iconic


	34. Some boys get their shit together (with a bit of persuasion)

**Three Bros Chillin’**

_SATURDAY 4:14 PM_

thecoolestguyyouknow: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

theworldisyour_erster: Whats wrong bro

thecoolestguyyouknow: Well you see bro

thecoolestguyyouknow: iT aLl BeGaN oN tHe DaY oF mY aCtUaL bIrTh WhEn BoTh My PaReNtS fAiLeD tO sHoW uP

theworldisyour_erster: Lmao

theworldisyour_erster: But like seriously

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im just having a crisis

theworldisyour_erster: Fun times

thecoolestguyyouknow: Lmao I know right

thecoolestguyyouknow: So you know that relatable mood when youre about to spend the whole night with your friend who you have a crush on

theworldisyour_erster: Oh oof

thecoolestguyyouknow: I cant handle crushes

thecoolestguyyouknow: How do people pine for so long its been like a week and I cannot handle this

theworldisyour_erster: Then tell him

thecoolestguyyouknow: Hahahahahaha

thecoolestguyyouknow: No

theworldisyour_erster: Okay then don't

thecoolestguyyouknow: No youre supposed to convince me to do it

theworldisyour_erster: Okay then tell him

thecoolestguyyouknow: Impossible

thecoolestguyyouknow: Have a terrible day

theworldisyour_erster: Ughhhh youre impossible

theworldisyour_erster: Tell him or I'm telling him for you

thecoolestguyyouknow: Okaygreatillgotellhimrightnow

thecoolestguyyouknow: Thanks race

theworldisyour_erster: What are friends for if not for threatening each other for their own good

 

**finch_cortes and thecoolestguyyouknow**

_SATURDAY 4:22 PM_

thecoolestguyyouknow: Hey so I rlly need to tell you something and you can respond however you want to it I just need to say it

finch_cortes: what’s up?

thecoolestguyyouknow: I kind of have

thecoolestguyyouknow: A

thecoolestguyyouknow: Crush

finch_cortes: oh

thecoolestguyyouknow: Yeah

finch_cortes: on who?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Are you serious

finch_cortes: ?

thecoolestguyyouknow: You

thecoolestguyyouknow: I have a crush on you

finch_cortes: i

finch_cortes: oh

finch_cortes: fuck is this real

thecoolestguyyouknow: No we probably exist in an au fanfiction for some fandom where our real selves are off starting revolutions and doing cool shit like that but were just sitting around being teenagers

thecoolestguyyouknow: But I dont have time to get into that now

finch_cortes: okay cool let me just have an existential crisis really quick

finch_cortes: okay done

finch_cortes: anyway, back to the part where you said you had a crush on me

thecoolestguyyouknow: Listen we can just pretend this conversation never happened

finch_cortes: or i could admit that i have a crush on you too

finch_cortes: fuck that was smooth

thecoolestguyyouknow: Really?

finch_cortes: i have never been smooth ever in my life can you just let me have this

thecoolestguyyouknow: I mean you really have a crush on me?

finch_cortes: oh! yes

thecoolestguyyouknow: Huh

thecoolestguyyouknow: So like

thecoolestguyyouknow: What do we do now

finch_cortes: i mean i guess we could like

finch_cortes: date

thecoolesguyyouknow: I think thats a great idea

finch_cortes: i know we said tonight at 7 but do you want to come over now?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Sure ♡ see you in 10

finch_cortes: see you ♡

 

**Three Bros Chillin’**

_SATURDAY 7:24 PM_

wherefore_art_thou: ALBERT DASILVA

wherefore_art_thou: EXPLAIN YOURSELF

thecoolestguyyouknow: What

wherefore_art_thou: DONT PLAY DUMB I SAW YOUR SNAPCHAT STORIES

thecoolestguyyouknow: Chill

theworldisyour_erster: WHY DO YOU KEEP POSTING STUFF ON YOUR STORY IF YOU DONT WANT US TO COME YELL ABOUT IT

thecoolestguyyouknow: Why are you yelling you knew about this

theworldisyour_ester: I DIDNT THINK YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT

theworldisyour_ester: AND I DIDNT THINK IT WAS GOING TO WORK OUT SO QUICKLY

thecoolestguyyouknow: This is just further proof of my ‘were all living in an au fanfic’ theory

theworldisyour_erster: Shit you right

thecoolestguyyouknow: Finch says hi

theworldisyour_erster: HI FINCH

theworldisyour_erster: IF YOU HURT AL ILL PULL A JACK KELLY AND SLASH YOUR TIRES

thecoolestguyyouknow: Hey remember when you said I was too obsessed with your love life

theworldisyour_erster: Boi I'm trying to defend your honour

thecoolestguyyouknow: “Im shook” -finch


	35. Keeping Up with the Pulitzers

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_SUNDAY 1:52 AM_

Sarah_Rose_J: I just bingewatched all of she-ra and the princesses of power what do I do with my life now

Sarah_Rose_J: Also you should all watch she-ra and the princesses of power

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes it is a kids show and no I don’t give a fuck

KittyKat: What’s it about?

Sarah_Rose_J: Lesbians with swords

KittyKat: I’m sold.

 

_SUNDAY 3:07 AM_

KittyKat: I’m only three episodes in and Adora/Catra has taken over my entire brain.

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh you just wait for princess prom

Sarah_Rose_J: It is quite literally the gayest thing you will ever watch

KittyKat: Babe… I just realized…

KittyKat: You’re strong, you're gay, you own a sword… you are She-ra.

Sarah_Rose_J: Shit you’re right

KittyKat: Okay, I have to go watch more right now.

KittyKat: I swear, this show is like heroin for lesbians.

 

_SUNDAY 7:32 AM_

KittyKat: The sun is up, the birds are singing, I have finished the first season of She-ra.

 

**The Fam**

_SUNDAY 11:29 AM_

edith.pulitzer: Katherine, be honest. Did you sleep at all last night?

KittyKat: Yes.

KittyKat: 7:30am to 9:00am.

herbert.pulitzer: What happened last night?

___connie__: OLD MAN ALERT!!

herbert.pulitzer: Why do you guys think I’m way older than I am.

KittyKat: Because you’re OLD.

herbert.pulitzer: Katherine, I’m only six years older than you.

___connie__: To me you’re old though.

herbert.pulitzer: And I’m only ten years older than you.

edith.pulitzer: That’s still a significant age gap for siblings.

herbert.pulitzer: There’s seven of us, of course there’s going to be a significant age gap.

___connie__: Notice how he’s not denying it…

herbert.pulitzer: Back to my original question, what happened last night?

herbert.pulitzer: Did Katherine have another party that she neglected to invite her older siblings to?

KittyKat: You were all busy with university! Not to mention, you’re all in different cities!

herbert.pulitzer: Even so.

edith.pulitzer: Sadly, Kath did not have another party.

KittyKat: I stayed up until seven thirty in the morning binge-watching a show.

herbert.pulitzer: Oh fun. What show?

KittyKat: …

edith.pulitzer: Tell him what show it was, Katherine.

KittyKat: I’d rather not.

edith.pulitzer: Tell him, or I will.

KittyKat: …She-ra and the Princesses of Power.

lucy_pulitzer_: EXCUSE ME, SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP.

herbert.pulitzer: It’s almost noon.

lucy_pulitzer_: Time is a social construct.

lucy_pulitzer_: Also, I drank five cups of coffee last night and couldn’t get to sleep until three in the morning.

joepulitzer.jr: Good morning everyone, I have made a huge mistake.

___connie__: Spill the tea, sis.

edith.pulitzer: Constance, I am literally begging you to stop saying that.

KittyKat: What happened?

joepulitzer.jr: Last night I drunk texted Louise.

KittyKat: Oh, fuck.

herbert.pulitzer: Language.

___connie__: Who’s Louise?

edith.pulitzer: Louise is Joe’s ex-girlfriend.

___connie__: Why was I not informed of her existence?

edith.pulitzer: He brought her to Hanukkah last year?? Do you pay attention to anything?

___connie__: Not really, no.

KittyKat: What did you say?

joepulitzer.jr: I said “SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS SEVENTY?!?”

herbert.pulitzer: I mean, that’s not so bad.

lucy_pulitzer_: Wait, Samuel L. Jackson is SEVENTY?

lucy_pulitzer_: I do not believe.

lucy_pulitzer_: Well slap me sideways, he IS seventy!

edith.pulitzer_: ‘Slap me sideways’?

lucy_pulitzer_: Don’t mind me, I’m just severely sleep deprived.

KittyKat: Can we just appreciate that Joe was drunk and yet he still used proper grammar?

___connie__: I know right? Mom and Dad have really drilled it into our brains.

joepulitzer.jr: I just realized we’re all here except for Ralph.

lucy_pulitzer_: Is Ralph ever here though?

joepulitzer.jr: Let’s just @ him until he has no choice but to respond. @RealRalphPulitzer

KittyKat: @RealRalphPulitzer

edith.pulitzer: @RealRalphPulitzer

herbert.pulitzer: @RealRalphPulitzer

lucy_pulitzer_: @RealRalphPulitzer

___connie__: @RealRalphPulitzer

___connie__: I love how he feels the need to put ‘real’ in his username

___connie__: Like anyone would want to impersonate him.

RealRalphPulitzer: What do you guys want?

lucy_pulitzer_: The cryptid… he has revealed himself…

RealRalphPulitzer: Is this important?

joepulitzer.jr: What could be more important than family?

RealRalphPulitzer: The anthropology paper I’m supposed to be writing right now.

lucy_pulitzer_: University is overrated.

KittyKat: Making your father proud is overrated.

___connie__: Having a corporeal form is overrated.

lucy_pulitzer_: Unrelated, but true.

RealRalphPulitzer: Is this conversation about something? Because if not, I need to get back to my suffering.

edith.pulitzer: Secretly, Ralph just wants to yeet himself into the void.

RealRalphPulitzer: Maybe so.

KittyKat: We got ’im, boys.

___connie__: Can’t you just like… ‘forget’ about your assignment for a while?

RealRalphPulitzer: Some of you have never been to university and it shows.

___connie__: Well excuse me, I’m thirteen.

lucy_pulitzer_: Hold up… does Ralph… know memes?

RealRalphPulitzer: Of course I know memes, where else do you think I can find my will to live?

RealRalphPulitzer: Plus, I’m not an old man like Herbert.

herbert.pulitzer: I AM EXACTLY ONE YEAR OLDER THAN YOU.

joepulitzer.jr: Calm down, old man.

herbert.pulitzer: I hate you all.


	36. Principal Michael Cera and other wild occurrences

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ MONDAY 6:57 AM _

wherefore_art_thou: I Had A Dream Last Night That Jeffree Star's Head Was In My Bathtub And Kept Spouting Useless Prophecies

c_morris: I had a dream the other night that I had to sing satisfied and freaked out because I couldn't remember the opening lyrics

c_morris: Keep in mind I haven't listened to Hamilton in at least half a year

glue: I once had a dream that I was running away from bee demons and I jumped in a lake and they all went away

Sarah_Rose_J: Once I had a dream where I was doing taxes

Sarah_Rose_J: Like that's it

Sarah_Rose_J: So dream me knows how to do taxes and awake me does not

wherefore_art_thou: Dream Me Shares Knowledge With The Disembodied Head Of Jeffree Star

glue: I now know how to escape bee demons if that situation ever comes up

c_morris: Dream me does not remember the lyrics to satisfied and awake me also does not remember the lyrics to satisfied

Sarah_Rose_J: And yet you can sing all of hotel california off the top of your head

c_morris: I can indeed

c_morris: ON A DARK DESERT HIGHWAY

c_morris: COOL WIND IN MY HAIR

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh no that wasn't an invitation to do it

c_morris:  wArM sMeLl Of CoLiTaS rIsInG uP tHrOuGh ThE aIr

Sarah_Rose_J: You're the worst

glue: Sarah why do you hate Hotel California

Sarah_Rose_J: Because we had to sing it in choir in middle school and it did not go well to say the least

Sarah_Rose_J: The memory has haunted me for years

wherefore_art_thou: I Wonder If They're Still Trapped There

c_morris: Who and where

wherefore_art_thou: I Wonder If The Eagles Are Still Trapped At The Hotel California

glue: They’re trapped there like Sarah is trapped with her memories

Sarah_Rose_J: So my memories have become my very own hotel california

Sarah_Rose_J: Fuck

c_morris: That’s so #deep

Sarah_Rose_J: Ikr we should be philosophers

 

_ MONDAY 10:24 AM _

theworldisyour_erster sent a photo to  Nineteen Edgy Teens™

wherefore_art_thou: DUDE I SENT YOU THAT MEME LIKE A MONTH AGO

wherefore_art_thou: You Fucking Asshole

Sarah_Rose_J: Come on race

brianna.buttons: Yeah Race, gosh

jackthecowbi: Fucking christ race

thecoolestguyyouknow: Race youve betrayed us all

wherefore_art_thou: Al I Think I Sent It To You Too

thecoolestguyyouknow: Probably

wherefore_art_thou: I Really Should Have Just Sent It To This Chat

wherefore_art_thou: Y’all Would’ve Appreciated It

brianna.buttons: In this house, we love and appreciate Romeo’s memes

wherefore_art_thou: Thanks Meme Mom

brianna.buttons: You're welcome son

Sarah_Rose_J: To be fair I don’t think we should be relying on race to remember anything

theworldisyour_erster: Did you really just come to my defence and insult me at the same time

Sarah_Rose_J: Perhaps

 

_ MONDAY 12:03 PM _

KittyKat sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: Am I dreaming, or did someone tape pictures of Micheal Cera’s face over every face in the mural in the front hall?

theworldisyour_erster: Whoever did that is my hero

KittyKat: Oh my goodness, they’re on the principals’ portraits too.

KittyKat sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: Every principal – past, present, and future – is Michael Cera.

theworldisyour_erster: As it should be

 

_ MONDAY 6:24 PM _

Sarah_Rose_J sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

Sarah_Rose_J: Y'all I made chocolate cake

theworldisyour_erster: Can I have some

Sarah_Rose_J: Sure *yeets it at your window*

theworldisyour_erster: Seriously though can i

Sarah_Rose_J: Yeah dude come on over

theworldisyour_erster: Cool be there in 10

 

_ MONDAY 6:38 PM _

theworldisyour_erster sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

theworldisyour_erster: Best fucking thing ive ever tasted

spotconlon: wow i cant believe youre cheating on me with sarahs cake

theworldisyour_erster: Dw babe you taste better than Sarah's cake

billhearstjr: Is he talking about sex or cannibalism? Who knows?

theworldisyour_erster: Bold of you to assume its not both

spotconlon: kinky

theworldisyour_erster: You know it ;)

billhearstjr: And that's my cue to leave.

billhearstjr: The one time I try to participate in the chat and this happens, I swear…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is almost done, which means I can start updating more frequently!


	37. Get Dick Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly NSFW, very very weird, and almost entirely based on a conversation my friends had at eleven o'clock at night, e n j o y.

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ TUESDAY 10:34 PM _

KittyKat: Honestly girls, it's not okay.

brianna.buttons: hOnEsTlY gIrLs ItS nOt OkAy

Sarah_Rose_J: Honestly girls

Sarah_Rose_J: It's not okay

brianna.buttons: What if I want to be obsessed with boys?

KittyKat: HONESTLY, it's not okay.

brianna.buttons: But wHy

Sarah_Rose_J: gIRLS

Sarah_Rose_J: it's NOT OKAY

brianna.buttons: But god wants me to get dick

Sarah_Rose_J: nO

Sarah_Rose_J: gOd WaNtS yOu To Be SiNgLe AnD sAtIsFiEd

brianna.buttons: Masturbation

KittyKat: I'm not an expert, but I somehow think that's also a sin.

brianna.buttons: You're a sin

KittyKat: According to whom?

Sarah_Rose_J: Girls stop. It's not ok

thecoolestguyyouknow: The fuck is happening

brianna.buttons sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

brianna.buttons: tWo GiRlS dEfInEd By GoD

thecoolestguyyouknow: They look like their names are Brieghleigh and Kaighlynn

KittyKat: That’s actually very close.

Sarah_Rose_J: It's not okay to kiss before marriage

KittyKat: Source your information, coward. 

brianna.buttons: Did gOd tell you this?

Sarah_Rose_J: You just can't god knows about mono

KittyKat: The secret to a healthy relationship is to not kiss until you've been dating for seven years and it's your wedding night. God says so. 

brianna.buttons: I think we've all learned something here today

jojo_delaguerra: Oh my god I just saw “god wants me to get dick” and started fucking choking

jojo_delaguerra: wAIT NO

KittyKat: I’M DEAD.

brianna.buttons: I'm officially declaring today Get Dick Day

Sarah_Rose_J: GET THAT DICK JOJO

jojo_delaguerra: Shhhh I'm a good Christian girl

jojo_delaguerra: And gay

jojo_delaguerra: And ace

brianna.buttons: Looks like someone isn't having a good Get Dick Day

brianna.buttons: Oh speaking of, I'm supposed to be behind the 711 in like ten minutes don't wait up

jojo_delaguerra: GET IT GIRLLL

Sarah_Rose_J: GET SOME BRIA

KittyKat: Behind the 7-11? Really?

Sarah_Rose_J: Katherine we once had sex in the bed of a pickup truck don't even try

KittyKat: You're right, you're right.

KittyKay: Also, what is this? Share Random Details Of Your Sex Life Day?

jojo_delaguerra: No it's get dick day come on

KittyKat: Ah yes.

Sarah_Rose_J: Time to take that dick and hold it and do some really fun stuff to it

jojo_delaguerra: Time to rub some stuff on it and put it places

KittyKat: Time to point out that neither of you have ever had sex with a guy and it shows. 

jojo_delaguerra: What have you

KittyKat: Oh yeah, I dated Jack for like three months last year before I started dating Sarah, it was weird.

jojo_delaguerra: wHAT

Sarah_Rose_J: Yeah that’s pretty much everyone’s reaction lmao

jojo_delaguerra: Wait Kath didn’t you say you were gay or was this before you came out

jojo_delaguerra: If you don’t mind me asking of course

KittyKat: I prefer to describe myself as a young lady of ambiguous sexuality.

KittyKat: Translation: Maybe bi, maybe gay, who fucking knows?

jojo_delaguerra: Cheers I’ll drink to that bro

Sarah_Rose_J: Time to hop on that thing and move it around in a way that might feel good if the stars are aligned and mercury is in retrograde

KittyKat: Time to go to bed.

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay goodnight baby ily ♡

KittyKat: Goodnight, love you too! ♡


	38. K̵̢͎̆͜ï̷̞̺̎͑̆͘l̶̢̞̣̝͛̓l̸͉̑̊͊̑ ̷̝͚́̃͊ț̷̾͐̒̉͒h̴̠͓̻͓̜͒e̷̗̫͕̯̙̓̃̑͘ ̷̧̩̥̌́̆̚͝ͅC̷̨̛ö̷̞̦̪̝̮́m̶͙̘̓͂̍̆͗p̸̡̈͂̃͒̂e̸̡̗̲̒̏̄͋t̶̢̡̻͙͎̽̊͌̇͠i̵͙͙͕͇̒͑̐͝ͅṫ̵̻̏́̓ĭ̷͙̎̿̇̕ȍ̸̮̠̤̗͉̿ñ̴̯̤̪̦̕

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_WEDNESDAY 2:41 AM_

wherefore_art_thou: Damn Henry Viii Was Thicc

 

_WEDNESDAY 7:02 AM_

jackthecowbi: I love waking up to stuff like this

Sarah_Rose_J: Honestly Romeo that's not okay 

wherefore_art_thou: Excuse Me I Shall Thirst Over Historical Figures As Much As I Damn Well Please

spectacles: Wow babe I can't believe you're cheating on me with Henry viii

wherefore_art_thou: I'm Joking Lmao Imagine Thirsting Over Henry Viii

KittyKat: Wow, you're really going to roast Catherine, Anne, Jane, Anne, Katherine, and Catherine like that?

Sarah_Rose_J: Catherine of aragon would NEVER

Sarah_Rose_J: iTs NoT oKaY

KittyKat: HONESTLY.

KittyKat: Oh by the way, I once saw a post that was like ‘Anne Boleyn’s necklace makes her look like a Bruins fan’ and I haven't been the same since.

spotconlon: i just looked it up to see what the necklace looked like and is it weird that i kind of want to buy one

jackthecowbi: Yes

spotconlon: okay but did i ask

jackthecowbi: Yes u asked like two seconds ago

spotconlon: oh right

jackthecowbi: What do u need a B necklace for

spotconlon: BROOKLYN

KittyKat: Wow, he's breaking out the capital letters again!

jackthecowbi: Wait aGAIN

jackthecowbi: Tell. me. everything. 

KittyKat: You see, it all started when you set fire to the toaster…

jackthecowbi: …And?

KittyKat: And that's it. 

spotconlon: jack i dont know what you were expecting

spotconlon: i used capital letters so what you cant always expect me to be the coolest person ever

jackthecowbi: Spot I promise I have never once thought u were cool

spotconlon: wow rude

Sarah_Rose_J: But guys can we just take a moment to appreciate that romeo was apparently just thinking about henry viii at 2:41 in the morning

jackthecowbi: Oh come on Sarah we all know time isn't real

spotconlon: time is a construct actually

KittyKat: If you think about it, it kind of is. There’s no reason hours need to be that length. They could have been thirty minutes, and we could have forty-eight hours in the day.

KittyKat: There’s a free sample of the existential crisis lowkey going on in my head at all times.

jackthecowbi: tHANKS KATHERINE

theworldisyour_erster: Guys

theworldisyour_erster: Do you know what time actually is

spotconlon: what is time actually racer

theworldisyour_erster: tImE iS a ToOl YoU cAn PuT oN a WaLl Or WeAr It On YoUr WrIsT

spotconlon: no

spotconlon: i want a divorce

thecoolestguyyouknow: tHe PaSt Is FaR bEhInEd Us

wherefore_art_thou: tHe FuTuRe DoEsNt ExIsT

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow 2014 just hit me like a brick in the face

KittyKat: I thought this age of terror was behind us.

theworldisyour_erster: lEtS gO oN a JoUrNeY, a JoUrNeY tHrOuGh TiMe

thecoolestguyyouknow: tHeReS a TiMe AnD a PlAcE fOr MuCkInG aRoUnD

theworldisyour_erster: Honestly just let the clock say fuck

wherefore_art_thou: #lettonysayfuck2k19

thecoolestguyyouknow: Who is tony

wherefore_art_thou: That’s The Clocks Name

theworldisyour_erster: What

theworldisyour_erster: Tell me youre joking

theworldisyour_erster: Romeo tell me I do not share a name with the fucking don’t hug me i’m scared clock

wherefore_art_thou: I’m Sorry To Say That The Creator Confirmed It

theworldisyour_erster: Okay cool cool let me go change my legal name real quick

darcyreid: I’m honestly amazed at how fast you guys can get from Henry VIII to Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared, like wow. 

darcyreid: And before anyone asks, yes it is four in the morning here, and no we're not going to talk about it.

 

_WEDNESDAY 4:43 PM_

KittyKat: Everyone stop what you’re doing and watch a show called Rita, it’s on Netflix.

Sarah_Rose_J: On it baby

 

_WEDNESDAY 4:48 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Katherine this is in danish

KittyKat: Did I forget to mention that? Sorry, I’m sure there are subtitles.

djacobs: Wait, you can speak Danish??

KittyKat: Kan du ikke?

djacobs: Hold on, how many languages can you speak?

KittyKat: Uhh let me count.

KittyKat: Okay, I can speak English and French, some Hungarian and Danish, enough Dutch and Swedish to get by, a bit of Latin and Greek, a few basic phrases in Spanish and Portugese, and I know how to count to five in Russian.

djacobs: Wow, I can’t believe I’m about learn ten languages.

Sarah_Rose_J: I mean… you don’t have to

djacobs: No, I’m going to.

Sarah_Rose_J: David you know you don’t have to be better than kath at everything

KittyKat: Exactly! I have to be better than you at everything.

djacobs: I have to laugh.

KittyKat: Just for this, I’m learning Norwegian as we speak.

djacobs: Sure you are.

KittyKat sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: I’ve already got Duolingo up!

djacobs: Well, I’m already conspiring with the owl to have you assassinated as soon as you miss one lesson!

KittyKat: Well, I’m already in my safehouse!

djacobs: Well, I’m right outside!

djacobs: Look out your fucking window Katherine, I dare you.

brianna.buttons: Kids, could you lighten up a bit?

KittyKat: Oh my god you guys, Davey’s here and he’s going t

Sarah_Rose_J: Kath

Sarah_Rose_J: Katherine

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh my fucking god she’s fucking dead

KittyKat: Just kidding.

Sarah_Rose_J: Omg baby you scared me!

Sarah_Rose_J: Jk I fear nothing

brianna.buttons: Wait a minute

brianna.buttons: Kath take a mirror selfie with a spoon on top of your head 

KittyKat: What? Why?

brianna.buttons: To prove it’s you, this is standard Internet protocol

djacobs: On the off chance that she’s actually dead, I want to make it clear that I have been in my room this whole time.

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes I can confirm although it’s hilarious that you think we’d actually suspect you of murder

KittyKat sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: #notdead #neverfearfriends

brianna.buttons: YAY KATH (also I love your skirt wonder who made it)

KittyKat: Thanks again for the skirt Bria, I love it so much!!

brianna.buttons: Np!!


	39. Katherine is Technologically Illiterate

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ THURSDAY 4:53 PM _

spotconlon sent a video to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

spotconlon: isnt my boyfriend an absolute angel

jackthecowbi: Race? an angel? lmaoooo

spotconlon: when hes singing i mean

jackthecowbi: Good bc in everyday life he’s an actual chaos demon

spotconlon: youre a chaos demon

jackthecowbi: No u

spotconlon: okay but like im not the one who ruined the toaster and jumped out the window

jackthecowbi: Dude that was last wEEK LET IT GO

spotconlon: never

jackthecowbi: But yeah race as enjolras is pretty hot

spotconlon: hey back off

c_morris: Um HI JACK

c_morris: It’s ME

c_morris: Your BOYFRIEND

jackthecowbi: Ur okay i guess

c_morris: Thank

jackthecowbi: I’m joking u and Davey are the hottest ♡♡ race can go fuck himself

spotconlon: wow rude

jackthecowbi: Okay I feel like saying anything else is going to get me in more trouble with everyone 

spotconlon: oh kitty and sarah say hi

jackthecowbi: Wait is the rehearsal going on right now

spotconlon: yes im watching the dress rehearsal and its intermission

jackthecowbi: Why are u there

spotconlon: to drool over my boyfriend why the fuck do you think

c_morris: Smh Jack and Davey aren’t here to drool over me

jackthecowbi: BABE ILL DROOL OVER YOU VIRTUALLY

c_morris: Aw this is the height of romance

spotconlon: not on the main chat im begging you

jackthecowbi: Then beg

jackthecowbi: Me @ my bfs: 😍 👌 🔥 💦 🥰

jackthecowbi: Also when is the performance?

c_morris: The last day of school

jackthecowbi: Thats literally tomorrow 

c_morris: Yeah we had to learn the whole thing so quickly it’s crazy

c_morris: Your set looks awesome btw!

jackthecowbi: Thanks! I tried

 

**We are #goals**

_ THURSDAY 5:32 PM _

jackthecowbi sent a photo to We are #goals

jackthecowbi: Guys look at this heckin smol doggo

c_morris: Jack unfortunately I’m going to have to give you the electric chair for saying that

jackthecowbi: Mmm… love me an electric chair

c_morris: Ugh

jackthecowbi: Don’t kinkshame uwu

c_morris: Kinkshaming IS my kink

jackthecowbi: Well fuck

c_morris: Aw dw babe I love you and your electric chair fetish

c_morris: There’s a phrase I never thought I’d say

djacobs: Let me tell you, I was not expecting that when I absentmindedly checked my notifications.

jackthecowbi: Now that everyones here I'm taking this opportunity to tell y'all that I love u both sm! ♡

djacobs: Babe! That's so sweet! It almost makes me forget about the electric chair thing! ♡

c_morris: Gotta get me a freak like that..

jackthecowbi: Babe we are ur freaks like that

c_morris: No Jack you’re just a freak

jackthecowbi: rUde

c_morris: I’m joking (partially)!! Ily ♡

jackthecowbi: ♡

djacobs: ♡

 

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ THURSDAY 6:04 PM _

finch_cortes: friends for you own amusement and my misery, i recommend you go watch my recent instagram story

mushmeyers: WHAT HAPPENED

finch_cortes: my dad isn’t good at plumbing to say the least

thecoolestguyyouknow: Oh my god babe sorry Im laughing

finch_cortes: it’s fine, it’s horribly funny

finch_cortes: like my mom leaves town for literally one day and the sink fucking explodes

KittyKat: Wait a second… “babe”??

thecoolestguyyouknow: Yes Finch and I are dating

KittyKat: WHAT?!?

thecoolestguyyouknow: I posted about it on my story last weekend Kath how do you not know

KittyKat: That explains it, I don’t watch stories.

finch_cortes: why not you're missing out 

KittyKat: There’s just so many and I don’t feel like it.

Sarah_Rose_J: (she can’t figure out how they work)

KittyKat: Wow… betrayed by my own girlfriend… so heartbreaking… this is me being heartbroken.

Sarah_Rose_J: Sorry baby🔪

Sarah_Rose_J: But like it’s true

mushmeyers: um wHY IS THERE A KNIFE

Sarah_Rose_J: It has just occurred to me that a lot of you haven’t seen killing eve and are very confused

mushmeyers: What’s it about

KittyKat: Murder. Obsession. Lesbians.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *michael scott voice* I love Killing Eve. Love to watch it someday.


	40. Albert Can Totally Beatbox

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ FRIDAY 12:01 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: Does anyone want to go get gelato tomorrow 

Sarah_Rose_J: Ooh I've never actually had gelato

thecoolestguyyouknow: Its rlly good

thecoolestguyyouknow: Although you need to be prepared to pay a completely insane amount of money for not very much gelato

brianna.buttons: Its still really good

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay yeah let's do it

thecoolestguyyouknow: It's V E R Y good

brianna.buttons: Al’s really out here spitting straight facts

thecoolestguyyouknow: Uh yeah

thecoolestguyyouknow: I spit facts

thecoolestguyyouknow: Like

thecoolestguyyouknow: Drats

thecoolestguyyouknow: *beatboxing*

thecoolestguyyouknow: Gelato is great

thecoolestguyyouknow: Its something that I ate

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow

thecoolestguyyouknow: (uh yeah)

Sarah_Rose_J: I'm impressed

thecoolestguyyouknow: *more beatboxing* 

Sarah_Rose_J: Pure talent over here

 

_ FRIDAY 3:48 PM _

brianna.buttons: @ El Race Albert Crutchie Romeo Specs Kath and Sarah: Les Mis was so gooood omg congratulations

glue: Thanks Bria!! ♡♡ ily you’re the best gf

brianna.buttons: Ily too and you’re the best s/o! ♡♡♡♡

brianna.buttons: Babe I’ve decided just now I’m taking you on a date tonight

glue: Nice where are we going

brianna.buttons: We’re going to 711

glue: Do you mean we’re going to 711 or we’re Going To 711

brianna.buttons: Both

glue: Hell yeah babe let’s go

brianna.buttons: Fuck yes

KittyKat: You guys know DMs exist for a reason.

Sarah_Rose_J: Throwback to when bria and elmer first started dating and were too shy to even kiss in front of other people

KittyKat: God, I miss those days.

Sarah_Rose_J: A-fucking-men

glue: Hypocrites

Sarah_Rose_J: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

_ FRIDAY 11:03 PM _

jackthecowbi: Hi why am I crying over a country song about a truck

Sarah_Rose_J: I don't know jack why are you crying over a country song about a truck

jackthecowbi: So basically he's singing about this super old truck he has and it's really beat up right but he keeps it because he had so many good memories with his dad and the truck and his dad is dead now and basically the song is just him talking about holding onto the things he loves and ughhhh

jackthecowbi: I'm so emo rn

Sarah_Rose_J: Emo cowboy

jackthecowbi: Yeehaw motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Albert in this chapter is based on my friend who also loves gelato and can totally beatbox.


	41. Suburbia

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 9:26 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: Fun challenge: Spell your name the way it would be spelled if you were named by a suburban white mom

thecoolestguyyouknow: And by fun I of course mean painful

thecoolestguyyouknow: Ill start mine is Ahlberght

wherefore_art_thou: Oh Good Lord

wherefore_art_thou: Mine Is Rowmaio

theworldisyour_erster: Raece

theworldisyour_erster: Or Anntohneeyo

mushmeyers: Sksksks I’m McKahle

finch_cortes: wait your name is michael

mushmeyers: Yes

finch_cortes: as in

finch_cortes: michael meyers

mushmeyers: Correct

finch_cortes: as a horror movie enthusiast i’m obligated to be at least a little concerned

finch_cortes: and my suburban name is fynch

KittyKat: I just looked up ‘unique ways to spell Katherine’ and holy shit, there are so many.

KittyKat: Okay mine is Katharynne.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Kath have you seen that one where its Kaitlyn but spelled with the roman numeral for 8

thecoolestguyyouknow: So Kviiilyn

KittyKat: Are suggesting that my suburban name is Kviiiherine? Because that’s gold.

brianna.buttons: Lmao mine’s Bryannah

jackthecowbi: I’m fuckin dying

jackthecowbi: Mine is Jahque

djacobs: Dayvyd.

c_morris: Mine is crutchee I guess

c_morris: Oh my god no

c_morris: Crucci

jackthecowbi: cRUTCHIE NO

theworldisyour_erster: cRUTCHIE YES

c_morris: cRuCcI mAnE

jackthecowbi: wHy

c_morris: That settles it I’m becoming a rapper

thecoolestguyyouknow: Dude we should become a rapper duo I can beatbox

c_morris: Oh hell yes

theworldisyour_erster: Wait Al can you actually beatbox??

finch_cortes: if by beatboxing you mean making weird noises while spitting in my face then yes he can 

thecoolestguyyouknow: So rude and disrespectful

finch_cortes: srry dude

thecoolestguyyouknow: Youre forgiven ♡

finch_cortes: ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: This went way off the rails way too quickly anyway my suburban name is sayh’rah

wherefore_art_thou: Damn Sarahs Breaking Out The Apostrophes

spotconlon: mine is yourkingspot

spotconlon: the yourking is silent

theworldisyour_erster: K everyone go home spots is the best one

spotconlon: aw babe ♡♡♡♡

theworldisyour_erster: And i’m kind of salty that i didn’t think of that

spotconlon: ha get rekt

Sarah_Rose_J: 100 to different 100 real quick


	42. In which Jack, Crutchie, Davey, and Katherine make Bad Life Choices

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 2:58 AM _

jackthecowbi: Making some coffee at 3am lol

KittyKat: Jack, no offence, but you’re dumb as fuck.

KittyKat: Sleep.

jackthecowbi: Too late to turn back now

KittyKat: Don’t make coffee.

jackthecowbi: Its ok Davey is making the coffee not me

KittyKat: Don’t drink the coffee.

KittyKat: Sleep.

KittyKat: Unless you’re drunk, in which case do drink the coffee.

KittyKat: Then sleep.

jackthecowbi: We’re listening to hooked on a feeling

jackthecowbi: And we arent drunk shockingly enough

KittyKat: I am shocked.

c_morris: We’ve made a collective decision not to sleep

KittyKat: You guys are going to be so tired tomorrow.

KittyKat: Or today, I guess.

c_morris: School is done we don’t care

c_morris: And davey says hi

KittyKat: Hi, Davey.

KittyKat: Remind him that he has work on Monday morning.

jackthecowbi: “its fine I can sleep all Sunday” - Davey

KittyKat: I choose to believe him.

jackthecowbi: Dude u should come over

KittyKat: I’d love too, but that would involve getting out of my comfortable bed.

KittyKat: I’m there in spirit though.

jackthecowbi: Hold on why are u still awake

KittyKat: Netflix.

jackthecowbi: Good answer

c_morris: Okay there’s a guy walking around outside this abandoned building near us with a flashlight

c_morris: The fuck

c_morris: He’s with his dog

c_morris: But seriously its 3:00 am

KittyKat: Throw something at him.

jackthecowbi: We said hi by accident because we forgot we were on the fire escape and i said “wHo is tHat” very loudly

KittyKat: Was he nice?

c_morris: Yes but he was also kind of creepy so we’re back inside now

 

_ SUNDAY 4:01 AM _

KittyKat: I just finished watching all the John Mulaney specials on Netflix.

jackthecowbi: kAtherine

c_morris: Go to sleeeeep

KittyKat: No, you.

jackthecowbi: Smh its ‘no u’

 

_ SUNDAY 11:17 AM _

finch_cortes: kath davey crutchie and jack, are you guys alive?

jackthecowbi: I went to sleep at 5am

finch_cortes: wow

finch_cortes: i don’t know whether to be frightened or impressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't make coffee at three in the morning, kids.


	43. Needless to say, Sarah is not Employee of the Month

**Nineteen Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 11:42 AM_

jojo_delaguerra: Everyone say hello to my friend Henry

jojo_delaguerra sent a video to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

jackthecowbi: What the hell are u guys doing in that video

jojo_delaguerra: Well you see it’s Canada Day

jojo_delaguerra: And of course we’re celebrating by putting a couch on wheels and riding it around Downsview park

KittyKat: Is that even legal??

jackthecowbi: iS tHiS aLlOwEd??

jojo_delaguerra: I mean no one’s stopped us yet

KittyKat: Fair.

jojo_delaguerra: “I sucked metaphorical dick for this couch, your friends better appreciate it” -Henry

jojo_delaguerra: In other words, it’s a really big deal

jackthecowbi: ‘Sucked metaphorical dick’?

jojo_delaguerra: He just says stuff like that and I've learned not to question it

KittyKat: That’s me with nearly everyone else on this chat.

jojo_delaguerra: And I probably say stuff that’s just as weird that he’s learned not to question

jackthecowbi: Kath I’m gonna put a couch on wheels and ride it around central park for independence day

KittyKat: How patriotic.

 

_MONDAY 1:47 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: I’m adding new people to the chat whether y’all like it or not

_Sarah_Rose_J added smols and funky_little_lesbian to Nineteen Edgy Teens™_

djacobs: Aren’t you supposed to be working?

Sarah_Rose_J: Aren’t YOU supposed to be working?

djacobs: Lunch break, what’s your excuse?

Sarah_Rose_J: Manager’s outside smoking and no one cares if you text if you do it discreetly

djacobs: That can't be true.

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay this lady just asked me if I knew where to find the kale and we were standing literally right next to it

funky_little_lesbian: Working at Whole Foods sure is a time

Sarah_Rose_J: Right everyone this is smalls and sniper they work with me and they were also at kaths party

smols: Hello motherfuckers

smols: Becuase fuck first impressions amiright

c_morris: New people! It’s been a while

c_morris: Hi I’m crutchie he/him pronouns and I’m dating Sarah’s brother Davey

djacobs: I’m Davey, he/him, and I’m dating Crutchie.

jackthecowbi: HI

c_morris: This is Jack, he gets salty about stuff alot and it’s adorable

c_morris: Actually he’s always adorable

djacobs: Except for when electric chairs are involved.

jackthecowbi: What did I just hallucinate us agreeing to never mention that again

jackthecowbi: Yeah they’re both dating me for some reason

Sarah_Rose_J: And no one knows what the reason is

jackthecowbi: hEy

jackthecowbi: Its called SELF deprecating humor

Sarah_Rose_J: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

jackthecowbi: Why do u keep sending that

Sarah_Rose_J: I am a firm believer in the shrug emoji

jackthecowbi: Anyway yeah I’m jack he/him

funky_little_lesbian: Wait are you Jack as in Jack Kelly??

jackthecowbi: Ye

smols: Oh my god

funky_little_lesbian: No. Fucking. Way.

jackthecowbi: What’s happening

smols: Whats happening is that you’re the fucking famous jack kelly

funky_little_lesbian: You’re the guy who blew up the kitchen with Snyder inside of it and said “Begone THOT” and leapt out the window!!!

Sarah_Rose_J: I think that story has been greatly exaggerated

jackthecowbi: No its 100% accurate shut up Sarah

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow rUde

jackthecowbi:  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Sarah_Rose_J: How dare you use that against me

KittyKat: Smalls and Sniper! Hello!

funky_little_lesbian: Katherine!!

smols: Hi katherine

KittyKat: I guess I don’t need to introduce myself, but I just wanted to say hi!

brianna.buttons: I’m Brianna she/her I’m your local bi meme mom, and my s/o is Elmer and I need to get back to kicking their ass in Mario Kart now so byee

wherefore_art_thou: ByE BRIA

wherefore_art_thou: I’m Romeo He/Him Im 16 Going On 17 And I Never Fuckin Learned How To Read

spectacles: Did you really just put a Sound of Music reference and a Vine reference in the same sentence

spectacles: Hey, I’m Specs he/him, and I’m dating Romeo

wherefore_art_thou: Love youuu ♡

spectacles: Love you toooo ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: And that’s the extent of their pda

wherefore_art_thou: Right Because We’re Classy

Sarah_Rose_J: Sure

Sarah_Rose_J: I think we all know what was happening when you two disappeared at the IN SCHOOL cast party

spectacles: Run, we’ve been found out

smols: You guys are all in the same grade as sarah right

theworldisyour_erster: Ye we bout to be SENIORS wbu

funky_little_lesbian: We’re going into 10th grade this year

djacobs: *Everyone except for our little brother Les.

Sarah_Rose_J: He begged to be in this chat and now he’s cryptic as fuck

yaboy_les: Excuse you I did not beg

theworldisyour_erster: HES HERE

theworldisyour_erster: THE BOY

theworldisyour_erster: HE HAS RETURNED

theworldisyour_erster: (this is race btw I changed my user)

yaboy_les: Oh I know

yaboy_les: Davey and Sarah told me about the whole erster thing

theworldisyour_erster: Well damn guys is there anyone in the world who DOESNT know

Sarah_Rose_J: My hairdresser

Sarah_Rose_J: Wait no that’s a lie I told her too

djacobs: OH! Guys, I decided that everyone introducing themselves every time we add new people to the chat would take too long, so I made a chart.

djacobs sent a photo to Nineteen Edgy Teens™

c_morris: Were you just really bored or…?

djacobs: Small and Sniper, I’ll add you to it if you want.

smols: Ye okay i’m smalls (obv) she/her

funky_little_lesbian: And I’m Sniper she/her

funky_little_lesbian: Hold up, Finch???

Sarah_Rose_J: What about him

funky_little_lesbian: That’s my brother lmaooo

finch_cortes: sniper?

funky_little_lesbian: Speak of the devil

funky_little_lesbian: Hi bitch

finch_cortes: hi fucker, what are you doing here

funky_little_lesbian: Sarah added me and Smalls

finch_cortes: and aren't you supposed to be at work?

funky_little_lesbian: I am at work

funky_little_lesbian: Aren't you also supposed to be at work?

finch_cortes: you know what you're absolutely right, bye

_Sarah_Rose_J changed group name to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow I have so many more friends than I thought I did

jackthecowbi: I’m not ur friend

yaboy_les: I’m not your friend

spotconlon: im not your friend

Sarah_Rose_J: wOW

_Sarah_Rose_J removed jackthecowbi from Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

Sarah_Rose_J: YOU GET A TIME OUT

_Sarah_Rose_J removed yaboy_les from Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

Sarah_Rose_J: YOU GET A TIME OUT

_Sarah_Rose_J removed spotconlon from Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

Sarah_Rose_J: YOU GET A TIME OUT

 

**spotconlon and Sarah_Rose_J**

_MONDAY 2:04 PM_

spotconlon: sarah

Sarah_Rose_J: No

spotconlon: sarah please i was just joking

Sarah_Rose_J: Apologize and I’ll add you back

spotconlon: im sorry please add me back

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow I really underestimated how willing you are to apologize but I’ll add you back

 

**Twenty-One Edgy Teens™**

_MONDAY 2:05 PM_

_Sarah_Rose_J added spotconlon to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

c_morris: Jack is reading this over my shoulder and has requested that you add him back too

Sarah_Rose_J: Let’s hear an apology

c_morris: Hold on I’ll get a video of him apologizing

c_morris sent a video to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™

Sarah_Rose_J: Very well

_Sarah_Rose_J added jackthecowbi to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

jackthecowbi: Thanks Sarah

Sarah_Rose_J: I guess les is going to be salty if I don’t add him back too

_Sarah_Rose_J added yaboy_les to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

c_morris: Peace had been restored

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-out to the guy I've met twice who added me to group chat dedicated to putting a couch on wheels and also how to cover up hickeys. It really is a time.


	44. How to Lesbian

**funky_little_lesbian and smols**

_TUESDAY 7:22 AM_

funky_little_lesbian: Want to hang out after work today?

smols: Do we not spend all day together anyway

funky_little_lesbian: True but this time we don’t need to deal with people screaming at us because their coupons are expired

smols: You right you right

funky_little_lesbian: Alright let’s do it!

 

**smols and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 7:26 AM_

smols: Sarah help

smols: I have the Big Gay

Sarah_Rose_J: For whomst

smols: Sniper

Sarah_Rose_J: Ah yes of course

Sarah_Rose_J: But I’m really not the one to talk to about this try katherine

Sarah_Rose_J: Except she’s probably not up yet

Sarah_Rose_J: Try brianna, she seems like she knows what she’s doing in life

smols: Will do

 

**smols and brianna.buttons**

_TUESDAY 7:31 AM_

smols: Brianna please how do i lesbian

brianna.buttons: Is there a particular girl?

smols: Yes how do I get her to notice me

brianna.buttons: Bake fresh bread for her

smols: Last time i tried to cook something i set it on fire

smols: It was soup

brianna.buttons: Unfortunately I have no more advice to offer

 

**smols and KittyKat**

_TUESDAY 7:35 AM_

smols: Katherine i know you’re probably asleep but you’re the only distinguished wlw I know and i need advice

KittyKat: In the immortal words of Lucy Pulitzer: “Life hard and cold. Girls soft and warm. Get girlfriend to make life less hard and less cold. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.”

smols: Thats the goal but how do i get there

smols: Actually wait i have a great and completely insane idea

 

**funky_little_lesbian and smols**

_TUESDAY 7:36 AM_

smols: How to get girl to notice me

smols: Wait this isnt google

funky_little_lesbian: Lmaooo being a lesbian sure is a fun time isn’t it

smols: The funnest

smols: Theres this girl that i like but im p sure she only sees me as a friend :(

funky_little_lesbian: Ahh that sucks dude

funky_little_lesbian: There’s this girl and I was like 98% sure she liked me but turns out she likes someone else

smols: F to pay respects

funky_little_lesbian: It’s okay, we can be lonely together!

smols: Yes hanging out with you eases the pain of being alive

funky_little_lesbian: Edgelord

funky_little_lesbian: Also you should use that as a pickup line

smols: Yeah I have

smols: She told me im an edgelord

funky_little_lesbian: I mean what else can you say to that really lmao

 

**smols and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 7:40 AM_

smols: So turns out she already likes someone

Sarah_Rose_J: Sorry dude

Sarah_Rose_J: Who is it

smols: She didnt say

smols: I just said i have a crush on someone and then she said she has a crush on someone and we ranted about how were both gonna be lonely forever

Sarah_Rose_J: Did she say who she likes?

smols: No

Sarah_Rose_J: So maybe it’s you?

smols: HA thatd be ironic

 

**funky_little_lesbian and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 7:43 AM_

funky_little_lesbian: sARAH please help me

funky_little_lesbian: I have an all-consuming soul-crushing crush on Smalls and she likes someone else

Sarah_Rose_J: OH this should be interesting

funky_little_lesbian: ?

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 12:57 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: These kids I stg

KittyKat: Smalls and Sniper?

Sarah_Rose_J: Ye

Sarah_Rose_J: Has smalls complained to you yet

KittyKat: Yeah. 

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay but they both told me that they like each other

Sarah_Rose_J: Idk if I should say something??

KittyKat: Give them a chance to work it out on their own. If it hasn’t gone anywhere for a while, that’s when we start meddling.

KittyKat: I missed this.

Sarah_Rose_J: I know I never realized how boring my life gets when no one around me is pining

KittyKat: Honestly, same.

KittyKat: Should we get more hobbies?

Sarah_Rose_J: Nah

Sarah_Rose_J: Alright lunch breaks over gotta get back to work

KittyKat: See you tonight for dinner and a movie?

Sarah_Rose_J: Absolutely! Love you ♡

KittyKat: I love you too. ♡


	45. Staying on topic? Who is she?

**Twenty-One Edgy Teens™**

_WEDNESDAY 8:56 AM_

thecoolestguyyouknow: If being legally blind is a thing is there also illegally blind

theworldisyour_erster: I'll have whatever drugs he's having

wherefore_art_thou: To Be Legally Blind You Need A Lawyer

kidblink_baletti: Legally blind if when you're completely blind illegally blind is when you're only half blind

spectacles: So would I be legally or illegally blind if I can't see but with glasses I can?

kidblink_baletti: I actually don't know it could be either

kidblink_baletti: Or both

wherefore_art_thou: Schrodinger's Blind

kidblink_baletti: I on the other hand am completely illegally blind

kidblink_baletti: That would actually be a great user hold on

_kidblink_baletti changed username to illegally_blind_

mushmeyers: Babe that is gold

illegally_blind: Thank you ♡

 

**The Fam**

_WEDNESDAY 10:14 AM_

___connie__: Edith is so mad at me right now, it’s hilarious.

___connie__: Apparently, it’s ‘her shirt’ even though it was in ‘my drawer’.

edith.pulitzer: IT’S MY SHIRT.

joepulitzer.jr: Why did you put quotations around ‘my drawer’?

___connie__: You know? I actually have no idea.

joepulitzer.jr: Okay great, let’s find a segue to talk about me.

edith.pulitzer: What’s going on in your life, Joe?

joepulitzer.jr: I’m so glad you asked.

joepulitzer.jr: Buckle your seatbelts, because this is about to be wild.

joepulitzer.jr: Louise texted me yesterday asking if I wanted to get back together, but I’m kind of seeing this girl named Emily at the moment, and she’s great but it’s not too serious. Now, I really loved Louise, and I was tempted to get back together with her, but last time when we broke up it was so messy, and I don’t want to go through that again. Now, I’ve heard rumours that Louise's father has beef with Dad, and that he just wants to get me on his side to take Dad down from the inside, and it seems plausible because why would Louise text me out of the blue? But on the other hand, I didn’t get this information from the most credible source.

joepulitzer.jr: So, my question for all of you is: Should I get back together with Louise and risk both heartbreak and the family fortune, or should I keep seeing Emily?

___connie__: For completely selfish reasons, I say keep seeing Emily.

lucy_pulitzer_: Aw, I liked Louise! And if her dad really is out to get us, you can pretend to be working for her family, but really you’re spying for us the whole time.

herbert.pulitzer: Lucy, real life is not a spy movie. I say play it safe.

joepulitzer.jr: Katherine, where are you? You have critical thinking skills, unlike these dumbasses.

lucy_pulitzer_: So rude.

KittyKat: I want to get my friends’ opinions.

joepulitzer.jr: Never mind, you’re too codependent to have critical thinking skills.

KittyKat: By 'get their opinions' I mean 'tell them all the tea'.

joepulitzer.jr: Then you're too much of a gossip to have critical thinking skills.

 

**Twenty-One Edgy Teens™**

_WEDNESDAY 10:29 AM_

KittyKat sent a photo to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™

KittyKat: My brother is having a crisis. Thoughts?

jackthecowbi: U have a brother??

KittyKat: …

spotconlon: she has three

jackthecowbi: And how do u know this??

spotconlon: one of them skyped her while i was over at her house and they mentioned the other two

jackthecowbi: Since when do u and Kath hang out???

KittyKat: Since when are you this oblivious to everything that goes on around you?

jackthecowbi: I am not. oblivious

spotconlon: you are oblivious to how oblivious you are

jackthecowbi: Ur wrong

thewordisyour_erster: Jack what are you talking about you're SO oblivious

djacobs: No offence love, but you didn’t even realise Sarah and I were siblings until you came over to our place for the first time and asked why she was there.

Sarah_Rose_J: Lmaooo that was hilarious

Sarah_Rose_J: I mean embarrassing for you

Sarah_Rose_J: But hilarious for us

jackthecowbi: Shut

c_morris: I guess this is a great time to bring up the fact that when we first met, Jack asked me why I was called Crutchie

theworldisyour_erster: Lmao whatd you say

c_morris: I literally just stared at him for a solid minute before he realized

jackthecowbi: oKAY thats enough roasting jack for today

spotconlon: lies there can never be enough roasting you

jackthecowbi: So disrespectful

jackthecowbi: Also did u guys have to google the definition of oblivious too lmao

Sarah_Rose_J: No

spotconlon: no

KittyKat: No.

c_morris: No

thewordisyour_erster: No

djacobs: No.

jackthecowbi: Right yeah me either

 

**The Fam**

_WEDNESDAY 10:43 AM_

KittyKat: They were all useless and we got sidetracked, but I think the safest option for both your feelings and the family is to keep seeing Emily.

joepulitzer.jr: Thanks everyone.

lucy_pulitzer_: Isn’t Louise bi?

joepulitzer.jr: Yeah, why?

lucy_pulitzer_: I want to seduce her into telling me all her family’s secrets so I can bring them down if they try anything.

joepulitzer.jr: Or you could be normal and not do that.

lucy_pulitzer_: Okay FINE.

 

**lucy_pulitzer_ and ****louisevauclain** ****

  _WEDNESDAY 10:48 AM_

lucy_pulitzer_: Heyyyyyy, Louise.


	46. One Brain Cell Solidarity

**lucy_pulitzer_ and louisevauclain**

_THURSDAY 12:21 AM_

louisevauclain: Hi?

lucy_pulitzer_: Do you remember me? I’m Joe’s sister.

louisevauclain: Which one, he has four.

lucy_pulitzer_: The oldest one.

louisevauclain: Ah right, you go to UofT, right?

lucy_pulitzer: That’s right.

louisevauclain: You know, you’re pretty cute!

lucy_pulitzer: Ahh, thanks! You’re pretty cute too.

louisevauclain: We should get to know each other better… maybe over drinks?

 

**lucy_pulitzer_ and KittyKat**

_THURSDAY 12:24 AM_

lucy_pulitzer_: Katherine, are you awake?

KittyKat: Of course.

lucy_pulitzer: Remember yesterday when we were talking about Louise?

KittyKat: What did you do?

lucy_pulitzer: Well you see, I slid into her DMs just to see what her reaction would be, and then she started flirting with me and I think she asked me out.

lucy_pulitzer: Do you think the rumours are true and she’s just doing it to get dirt on Dad?

lucy_pulitzer: Or even worse, she’s just being nice?

KittyKat: Um.

KittyKat: Hold on, I’ll ask my girlfriend for her opinion.

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_THURSDAY 12:27 AM_

KittyKat: You’re still awake, right?

Sarah_Rose_J: Kath you know we have the same fucked up sleep schedule

KittyKat: Wow, that’s so #goals.

Sarah_Rose_J: Ikr

KittyKat: My older sister needs dating advice and thought for some deranged reason that I could help her.

Sarah_Rose_J: Whats the problem

KittyKat: My brother’s ex-girlfriend asked her out, but there’s a rumour that her father is trying to sabotage ours, and she asked if my brother wanted to get back together recently even though they ended badly, and now my sister is worried that she’s being played, and even if she wasn’t she’d still be dating her brother’s ex, which is just weird.

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow

Sarah_Rose_J: Why is your family life like an actual spy movie/soap opera lmao

KittyKat: I have no idea.

KittyKat: Should I just tell Lucy that you have no advice?

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes please

 

 **lucy_pulitzer_ an** **d KittyKat**

_THURSDAY 12:36 AM_

KittyKat: So Sarah had no advice to offer, shockingly she’s never been in a situation like this.

lucy_pulitzer_: That’s okay, I’ve decided I’m going to accept.

KittyKat: But what if she really is just trying to get a double agent?

lucy_pulitzer_: Well, it’s not like I won’t see it coming.

KittyKat: Ugh, fine.

KittyKat: But if everything goes to hell, it’s your fault.

 

 **lucy_pulitzer_ an** **d louisevauclain**

_THURSDAY 12:37 AM_

lucy_pulitzer_: I’d love to!

louisevauclain: Great! Do you want to meet somewhere between Boston and Toronto?

lucy_pulitzer_: What if we flew to a random city on a whim?

louisevauclain: That'd be crazy.

louisevauclain: Want to go to Paris?

lucy_pulitzer_: I would love to go to Paris.

 

 **lucy_pulitzer_ an** **d KittyKat**

_THURSDAY 12:38 AM_

lucy_pulitzer_: This is going to sound ridiculous, but Louise and I are going to Paris.

KittyKat: What.

lucy_pulitzer_: Bye.

KittyKat: Wait, NOW?

KittyKat: LUCILLE IRMA PULITZER, HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY INSANE??

 

**Twenty-One Edgy Teens™**

_THURSDAY 2:54 PM_

jackthecowbi sent a video to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™

jackthecowbi: ITS COUCH TIME

jackthecowbi: (couch=chair I found on the side of the road)

KittyKat: Holy shit, you actually did it.

jackthecowbi: Everyone come to central park rn if u want to ride around on a gross old chair covered in questionable substances

jackthecowbi: I really should not have touched this chair ever

theworldisyour_erster: I’m amazed at your dumbassery sometimes

jackthecowbi: I could say the same for u

theworldisyour_erster: One braincell solidarity

jackthecowbi: Okay change of plans I’m going home and taking a shower

KittyKat: Don’t die of cholera.

jackthecowbi: Tf is cholera

theworldisyour_erster: It’s that stuff in your blood that causes clots it theres too much of it

KittyKat: One brain cell, indeed.

 

_THURSDAY 6:45 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: David can you bring me some ice cream

djacobs: I’m literally in the next room, WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME?

djacobs: Also, get your own ice cream. I’m busy.

Sarah_Rose_J: Boi I’m lazy as fuck how do you not know this

Sarah_Rose_J: And I just got home from work and I’m tired

djacobs: As am I, why don’t you bring me ice cream?

Sarah_Rose_J: Because unlike you who gets to work at a place you actually enjoy being at, I had to spend all day living out retail horror stories from reddit

djacobs: The library is not always as calm as you might believe. Beneath the veil of lightheartedness, there lies a deep dark evil secret…

Sarah_Rose_J: That was… incredibly ominous 

Sarah_Rose_J: What’s the secret???

djacobs: Frat boys asking if we have porn.

djacobs: Or middle-aged men asking if we have porn.

djacobs: Pretty much anything that has to do with people asking for porn.

Sarah_Rose_J: DO you have porn?

djacobs: Gross.

Sarah_Rose_J: NOT FOR ME i was just wondering, jeez

theworldisyour_erster: So do you have porn

wherefore_art_thou: So Do You Have Porn

glue: So do you have porn?

jackthecowbi: So do u have porn

spectacles: So do you have porn?

c_morris: So do you have porn

KittyKat: So, do you have porn?

thecoolestguyyouknow: So do you have porn

illegally_blind: So do you have porn

spotconlon: so do you have porn

djacobs: EVERYBODY STOP.

darcyreid: I suppose this is a bad time to ask if you have porn?

djacobs: OH MY GOD.

billhearstjr: I… I just came to say happy 4th of July and… it’s this… 

djacobs: Believe me, this isn’t the worst conversation we’ve ever had.

billhearstjr: What even goes on in this group chat?

djacobs: I ask myself this question every day.

finch_cortes: so do you have porn?

djacobs: I’m so done with this conversation.


	47. Do These People Ever Sleep?

**Twenty-One Edgy Teens™**

_FRIDAY 1:26 AM_

_Sarah_Rose_J started a video chat_

_Video chat ended_

Sarah_Rose_J: i fucKING HATE THAT NEW FEATURE

djacobs: Same. 

jackthecowbi: We all do

KittyKat: Why are we all awake?

brianna.buttons: Guys we need to sleep

brianna.buttons: Davey back me up

djacobs: Can't, I'm jamming. 

jackthecowbi: wHat

brianna.buttons: In that case you may have to be revoked of your title as group mom

djacobs: Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture is fucking fire. 

jackthecowbi: I’ll take your word for it

jackthecowbi: Anyway

jackthecowbi: 🤠

jackthecowbi: YEE HAW

Sarah_Rose_J: i WaNnA bE a CoWbOy BaBy

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow do I ever not want to sleep but at the same time I am producing -2 brain thoughts rn

theworldisyour_erster: I'm losing brain cells just by being alive get on my level srah

Sarah_Rose_J: Srah

brianna.buttons: Srah

jackthecowbi: Srah

KittyKat: Srah.

theworldisyour_erster: hEy wE ALL MAKE MISTAKES

djacobs: I'm waiting for the cannons to happen and wake me up but they're at the end and who knows when that is.  

KittyKat: Cannons? What?

KittyKat: Oh the song, yes. I only now processed the rest of what you wrote.

djacobs: Yeah, they fire cannon at the end of the 1812 Overture, it’s SICK. 

theworldisyour_erster: Oh ok see i also thought you meant real cammons

djacobs: I did not mean “real cammons”.

theworldisyour_erster: cANNONS

theworldisyour_erster: wHATEVER

spotconlon: kind of want to fight someone right now

jackthecowbi: Wow I didn't even have to look at the name to know who that was

spotconlon: fight me bitch

jackthecowbi: FiGhT mE bItCh

KittyKat: Guys, be nice.

spotconlon: kitty do you want to come fight me in the dennys parking lot

KittyKat: Spot Conlon, it would be an honour to fight you in the Denny’s parking lot.

jackthecowbi: I’m truly baffled by ur friendship

jackthecowbi: Like when u guys first met I thought u would hate eachother but u don’t

djacobs: THE CANNONS HAVE HAOOENED. 

jackthecowbi: U good babe?

djacobs: *Happened.

Sarah_Rose_J: You've been awarded an award for spelling

djacobs: Thank you. 

Sarah_Rose_J: Congratulation. it is the prize award for good spelling

Sarah_Rose_J: And on that note I'm going to give sleep a try

jackthecowbi: Ugh weakling

c_morris: Have fun being hEaLtHy

Sarah_Rose_J: Have fun spiralling into madness

jackthecowbi: Crutchie! I see u are also taking full advantage of no school

c_morris: I'm binge watching those stupid life hack videos on Instagram and I can't stop help

_KittyKat started a video chat_

_Video chat ended_

jackthecowbi: WHICH ONE OF U MOTHERFUCLERS STARTED ANOTHER VIDEO CHAT

KittyKat: That was me, sorry.

jackthecowbi: Motherfucker

theworldisyou_erster: Motherfucler*

jackthecowbi: Damn u

funky_little_lesbian: As long as everyone’s awake who wants to hear some Very Iconic Quotes from my class last year

c_morris: Yes please anything to take my attention away from the life hacks

funky_little_lesbian: “Sandwiches are cancelled.”

funky_little_lesbian: “Tommy. Kneecaps.” “I don't need them, remember? They bring me nothing but pain.”

funky_little_lesbian: “A watermelon is a vegetable.” “No, it’s not. It’s a dairy product. And gravy is a fruit.”

funky_little_lesbian: “Gunpowder? Sniper, I don’t think you’re supposed to eat that.”

funky_little_lesbian: “Oh goodness gracious, I’m a popsicle stick.”

jackthecowbi: What the fuck is the context for that

funky_little_lesbian: You know I actually don’t remember

funky_little_lesbian: “How do you hide a giraffe from the government?” “You shove it in your shed.”

funky_little_lesbian: “Please don’t dab.” “Sorry, it was a natural reaction.”

c_morris: That has big Spot and Race energy

spotconlon: you know youre not wrong

funky_little_lesbian: “Je pense que tu es mal de tête, monsieur bonhomme de neige.”

funky_little_lesbian: “If you have blood, fuck you.”

funky_little_lesbian: Some of them are from Smalls and me and some of them are from our friend Tommy

smols: Hes convinced im going to steal his kneecaps

smols: Hes not wrong

theworldisyour_erster: Wow he sounds like such a cool dude

funky_little_lesbian: I can add him to the chat if you want

theworldisyour_erster: Like now?

smols: I mean theres no way hes asleep

theworldisyour_erster: Then hell yeah do it

funky_little_lesbian: K I’m gonna do it

_funky_little_lesbian added theboytommy to Twenty-One Edgy Teens™_

theboytommy: Wow im finally being included in something

smols: Oh hush

funky_little_lesbian: Why are you still awake

theboytommy: Im painting

theboytommy: Emphasis on pain

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh my god it’s a carbon copy of jack

jackthecowbi: iM gOiNg To GiVe SlEeP a TrY

Sarah_Rose_J: Yeah so obviously that didn’t work out

_Sarah_Rose_J changed group name to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™_

spotconlon: kitty im at dennys square up

KittyKat: Shit, are we actually doing this?

KittyKat: I’m on my way.

Sarah_Rose_J: Drag him baby!! I’m officially your cheerleader ♡

KittyKat: Wow, I’ve always wanted a personal cheerleader! ♡

spotconlon: damn wheres a racetrack higgins when you need one

theworldisyour_erster: Here bitch

spotconlon: i love you bitch

theworldisyour_erster: I aint never gonna stop loving you

theworldisyour_erster: b i t c h

 

_FRIDAY 2:07 AM_

spotconlon sent a photo to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™

spotconlon: we have pancakes everyone be jealous

wherefore_art_thou: Lmao If You Werent Both Gay And With Other People I’d Tease You About Being On A Date Right Now

spotconlon: im bi

KittyKat: All I know is that I’m sapphic.

spotconlon: but we are still both dating other people so dont try shit

KittyKat: Speaking of, Sarah you should come to Denny’s! ♡

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay, there’s no chance of me sleeping tonight anyway

Sarah_Rose_J: Climbing out the window as we speak ♡

spotconlon: race you should come too

theworldisyour_erster: Can't i’m watching b99

spotconlon: its always nice to know that on your list of priorities i rank below brooklyn nine nine

theworldisyour_erster: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Sarah_Rose_J: Race I have taught you well

spotconlon: well this is fantastic i love being a third wheel

theworldisyour_erster: 😘

 

**lucy_pulitzer_ and KittyKat**

_FRIDAY 6:41 AM_

lucy_pulitzer_: Louise and I are having lunch and she’s so cuuuute. 

lucy_pulitzer_: That’s my gay update for today.

KittyKat: Lunch? It’s six in the morning??

KittyKat: Wait, time difference, I’m dumb.

lucy_pulitzer_: I’m honestly going to be so sad if it turns out she’s using me.

KittyKat: I’m going to bed.

lucy_pulitzer: You mean back to bed?

KittyKat: No, I mean I’m going to bed.

KittyKat sent a photo to lucy_pulitzer_

KittyKat: I have been awake all fucking night thanks to these people.

lucy_pulitzer_: What.

lucy_pulitzer_: Why were you talking about the 1812 Overture.

KittyKat: Davey was listening to it so that the cannons at the end would wake him up.

lucy_pulitzer_: Your friends are wild.

KittyKat: Also, Spot and I went to Denny’s at 2:00am intending to fight, but we got pancakes instead, and I made Sarah join us.

KittyKat: Imagine being at Denny’s at two in the morning and seeing three teenagers sitting at the table in the corner eating pancakes. We must have looked really sketchy.

lucy_pulitzer_: Katherine, no offence, but I think it’s impossible for you to look sketchy.

lucy_pulitzer_: Louise is back looking cuter than ever, bye.

KittyKat: You're a lesbian disaster.

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_FRIDAY 9:47 AM_

glue: Why the actual fuck do I have 99+ notifications??

theworldisyour_erster: Must be a glitch in your phone

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes we all slept through the night like the good children that we are

glue: Sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been less than twenty-four hours, and four separate people have commented on the last chapter asking if the library has porn. I honestly don't know what I was expecting.


	48. Hit me with that gay shit

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 12:08 PM _

KittyKat: I have a huge announcement: My dad is finally letting me write an article for his newspaper that isn’t a review of something!!

Sarah_Rose_J: That’s amazing omg!! I’m so happy for you!! ♡♡♡

jackthecowbi: YES KATH

c_morris: That’s so great Katherine!!

djacobs: That’s amazing! What’s it going to be about?

KittyKat: It’s about LGBT+ representation in the media, and I know a lot of us are LGBT+, so if anyone has any thoughts on the matter, you can email me at kpulitzer@gmail.com.

theworldisyour_erster: Ooh things are getting official up in here

KittyKat: Sorry, I’m just really excited!!

Sarah_Rose_J: Whoa I just realized

Sarah_Rose_J: How many of us are lgbt?

Sarah_Rose_J: I’ll start I’m lesbian

theworldisyour_erster: i ThOuGhT yOu WeRe AmErIcAn

theworldisyour_erster: And i’m bi

jackthecowbi: rt

spotconlon: rt

brianna.buttons: rt

glue: rt (+nb)

c_morris: Pan+polyam

djacobs: Gay+polyam

finch_cortes: i’m gay

funky_little_lesbian: HA gayyy

finch_cortes: can you not read your own username

funky_little_lesbian: Wow you really just demolished me

smols: I too am a lesbian

thecoolestguyyouknow: Im dating a guy 

wherefore_art_thou: I’m Pan 

c_morris: dOeS tHaT mEaN yOu LiKe CoOkWaRe

wherefore_art_thou: yEs

wherefore_art_thou: 😍🍳

spectacles: Oh no

spectacles: And while I’m here, I’m bi

illegally_blind: I’m gay and trans

mushmeyers: Pan and trans

finch_cortes: wait if you’re trans does mean that you deliberately chose the name michael meyers for yourself

mushmeyers: Yeah funny story about that

mushmeyers: I thought it sounded familiar but also it sounded really good and catchy so I went with it

mushmeyers: Flashforward several months later when I realized that I had in fact named myself after the main antagonist of the Halloween franchise

finch_cortes: as you do

mushmeyers: But it was too late to do anything about it and so I will forever be unintentionally named after a fictional murderer the end thanks for coming to my Ted talk

finch_cortes: unless you get married and change your last name

mushmeyers: hEY BLINK

illegally_blind: Get back to me in about eight years babe

mushmeyer: Sounds good

illegally_blind: And first maybe look up Michael Baletti and make sure it's not something worse

KittyKat: I’m sapphic/wlw/whatever you want to call it.

KittyKat: Basically, girls.

smols: Mood

Sarah_Rose_J: 16/22 and counting rip all the creators who “can’t have more than one gay character because it’s unrealistic”

brianna.buttons: iTs JuSt So UnReAlIsTiC

illegally_blind: Kath it’s kind of old news now but can you complain about the ‘revolutionary gay representation’ in Endgame

KittyKat: Can you send me an email about it?

illegally_blind: Why can’t I just send you a text about it

KittyKat: I’m just really hyped up about the emails!

illegally_blind: Okay then

 

* * *

 

To: kpulitzer@gmail.com

From: louis.baletti@gmail.com

Subject: That gay shit

 

Hi Katherine,

 

Around the time Endgame came out, people were hyping up the ‘gay representation’ in it. This turned out to be a random side character who offhandedly used male pronouns for his equally irrelevant partner. I think it was so that the scene could easily be edited out for the movie’s release in countries where being LGBTQ still illegal and/or widely frowned upon (but don't quote me on that), but in my opinion, it would have been so much better to have a main character do the exact same thing. Obviously, this still wouldn’t be ‘revolutionary’ representation, but it would certainly be a lot better than having some random character no one cares about somehow be the only gay person in the entire MCU.

 

Regards,  Blink

* * *

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 12:25 PM _

KittyKat: Got it, thanks Blink!

KittyKat: Also, ‘regards’? We’re not coworkers.

illegally_blind: I think I was possessed by the ghost of an hr person while writing it

KittyKat: Ah yes, that happens to me all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's been over two months. Yes, I'm still salty.


	49. The Story of the Garlic Bread Incident

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 2:03 AM _

KittyKat: I finished the article.

KittyKat: Now I have to edit it.

KittyKat: But first, sleep.

jackthecowbi: Look at u being responsible and going to bed at the reasonable hour that is 2am

 

**jackthecowbi and Sarah_Rose_J**

_ SUNDAY 12:32 PM _

jackthecowbi: Why do u have so many tabloids

Sarah_Rose_J: wHAT

Sarah_Rose_J: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE

jackthecowbi: And why are they organized by Kardashian

Sarah_Rose_J: Again HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE

jackthecowbi sent a photo to Sarah_Rose_J

Sarah_Rose_J: Yes I know what they look like, why are you in our apartment

jackthecowbi: Well I’m having lunch with ur parents would u like to join us

Sarah_Rose_J: Is david there

jackthecowbi: No

jackthecowbi: Now about the tabloids

Sarah_Rose_J: wAIT THOSE WERE IN MY ROOM

jackthecowbi: One of the boxes fell over and they were all over the hallway floor

jackthecowbi: So I put them back for u and the boxes were labeled with Kardashians names

Sarah_Rose_J: Oh thanks

Sarah_Rose_J: Good to know you’re not a creep

Sarah_Rose_J: And I guess you officially have blackmail material against me congratulations

jackthecowbi: HA

Sarah_Rose_J: Unless… 

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 12:37 PM _

Sarah_Rose_J: Did y’all know that khloe kardashian  “hopes the cheating scandal will make jordyn woods and tristan thompson better people”

jackthecowbi: Damn you Sarah Jacobs

glue: I’m not even going to ask

 

_ SUNDAY 8:03 PM _

brianna.buttons: Anyone remember when we talked about having a picnic but never actually did it

brianna.buttons: We should do that sometime this summer

Sarah_Rose_J: That's a fantastic idea, who here can cook

theworldisyour_erster: I can

c_morris: I can make one thing and that one thing is blueberry pancakes

brianna.buttons: What about regular pancakes

c_morris: Nope, only blueberry

spectacles: I can also cook

djacobs: I can too.

Sarah_Rose_J: That’s a total lie.

djacobs: I CAN.

Sarah_Rose_J: You can when it doesn’t involve taking things out of ovens which disqualifies a lot of stuff

djacobs: What exactly are you referring to?

Sarah_Rose_J: The garlic bread incident?

djacobs: Oh.

c_morris: What’s the garlic bread incident tell me right now

Sarah_Rose_J: It was about six years ago now

djacobs: A substantial amount of time, mind you. 

Sarah_Rose_J: Mom asked david to get the garlic bread out of the oven but failed to mention that the oven was in fact on

Sarah_Rose_J: Which should have been obvious, but noooo

Sarah_Rose_J: So yeah that night david had second degree burns, no garlic bread because by the time we got home it was stone cold, and a lifelong subconscious fear of ovens

djacobs: And on that thrilling note, I can buy things from the grocery store.

jackthecowbi: Can u get me mayonnaise and peanuts

djacobs: … For what?

jackthecowbi: For putting mayonnaise on peanuts

djacobs: That’s disgusting.

jackthecowbi: THATS JUST BUSINESS

djacobs: What.

jackthecowbi: Nevermind

djacobs: And yes I’ll get you mayonnaise and peanuts.

jackthecowbi: :D

djacobs: ♡


	50. The Porn Mystery Continues

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ MONDAY 4:31 PM _

djacobs: You’ll never guess who dropped by the library today.

jackthecowbi: Hint his name starts with O and ends with scar Delancey.

Sarah_Rose_J: Wild guess, was it oscar delancey

jackthecowbi: Wow how did u know

Sarah_Rose_J: Just lucky I guess

theworldisyour_erster: Who is that

jackthecowbi: Tf do u mean ‘who is that’ 

theworldisyour_erster: I’m doing an experiment where I keep pretending the Delanceys don’t exist and then hopefully it’ll come true

Sarah_Rose_J: So did he ask for porn

djacobs: Surprisingly, no. 

KittyKat: I didn’t know Oscar Delancey knew where the library was.

KittyKat: Or that he could read.

jackthecowbi: #roasted

Sarah_Rose_J: So what was he there for

djacobs: Um.

djacobs: He sort of asked for your number.

Sarah_Rose_J: Like my phone number?

jackthecowbi: No Sarah ur social security number

Sarah_Rose_J: Why would he ask for my number

theworldisyour_erster: Probably because he wants your number

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay then why would he want my number

KittyKat: Who wouldn’t want your number? ;)

jackthecowbi: KATH WE DONT HAVE TIME TO BE HORNY

Sarah_Rose_J: I literally yelled at him in the middle of the hallway with a bunch of people watching why would he want my number

theworldisyour_erster: Maybe he has a humiliation kink

Sarah_Rose_J: Ew

djacobs: Ew.

KittyKat: Ew.

jackthecowbi: Ew

jackthecowbi: I mean it would explain the situation

jackthecowbi: But still ew

Sarah_Rose_J: Coolcool I’m going to throw myself off a bridge if I hear one more word about this

brianna.buttons: What have I walked in on

jackthecowbi: We’re just discussing Oscar Delanceys alleged humiliation kink

brianna.buttons: I’m never speaking to you again Jack

jackthecowbi: Your loss

brianna.buttons: Hm no I really don’t think it is

jackthecowbi: Davey Bria is being mean to me

djacobs: Jack, I defend you a lot, but this time I think you deserve it.

jackthecowbi: iM NOT EVEN THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP

c_morris: Brought what up

jackthecowbi: Oscar Delancey

djacobs: DO NOT CONTINUE THAT SENTENCE.

c_morris: What about Oscar Delancey

Sarah_Rose_J: He went to the library and asked David for my number today

c_morris: Wow I thought the only reason he would go to the library would be for porn

c_morris: If there’s even porn

jackthecowbi: Davey do u have porn at the library

theworldisyour_erster: Yeah so do you have porn

djacobs: Why are you all so obsessed with the porn?

Sarah_Rose_J: So there IS porn!

djacobs: Maybe.

Sarah_Rose_J: Where is it

djacobs: I said MAYBE there’s porn.

jackthecowbi: If there was where would it be

djacobs: Why do you want to know?

jackthecowbi: Who wouldn’t want to know

djacobs: I wouldn’t. Some of it is very disturbing.

theworldisyour_erster: HA

theworldisyour_erster: PORN @ THE LIBRARY CONFIRMED

djacobs: Or maybe I’m just messing with you.

theworldisyour_erster: Fuck

KittyKat: Damn it, will you just tell us if there’s porn?

djacobs: Why are you involved in this now? 

djacobs: Also, you really do not seem like the type of person to watch porn.

KittyKat: I don’t, I’m just really invested at this point.

djacobs: WHY DO YOU CARE?

djacobs: WHY DOES ANYONE CARE?

theworldisyour_erster: You know what youre right

theworldisyour_erster: The real question we should be asking is does the library have humiliation kink porn

_ djacobs removed theworldisyour_erster from Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™ _

Sarah_Rose_J: Wow you really went there

djacobs: Oh I’m sorry, did you want to witness Race talking about humiliation kink porn?

Sarah_Rose_J: Not really

djacobs: Now, I’m making an executive decision to end this conversation.

_ Sarah_Rose_J added theworldisyour_erster to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™ _

theworldisyour_erster: Thanks Sarah

djacobs: Sarah, why.

Sarah_Rose_J: I felt bad

djacobs: That’s new.

Sarah_Rose_J: Fuck off

djacobs: That, however, is not.


	51. Let's Get This Bread (ft. Bob Ross)

**Brooklyn’s Here**

TUESDAY 9:23

joeeeeey: I’m about to say something straight but everyone bear with me

rafaelalala: Let me guess you met a boy

joeeeeey: YES

joeeeeey: His name is Tommy and he lives nextdoor to me

rafaelalala: You live there for one day and you’ve already met someone

rafaelalala: Honestly what is your secret

joeeeeey: I’m friendly

rafaelalala: Well then I guess I’ll be alone forever

 

**the frogs scream at midnight**

TUESDAY 9:28 AM

theboytommy: Listen I just met the girl who just moved into the apartment next to mine and she’s so nice and sweet and funny and ugghhh

funky_little_lesbian: AWWW

smols: Ugh feelings

theboytommy: 2 types of people

funky_little_lesbian: What’s her name?

theboytommy: Joey

theboytommy: She just moved here from Brooklyn

theboytommy: She has turquoise hair

smols: Wow whens the wedding

theboytommy: Come on man 

theboytommy: Shes just really cute and I want to ask her out

funky_little_lesbian: And you came to us for help?

theboytommy: Lmao imagine that

theboytommy: No I was wondering if you could direct me to someone in that big groupchat whos good at this stuff

funky_little_lesbian: Ah I don’t really know anyone there except Sarah and Katherine

smols: Just yell into the void that is the gc and maybe someone will respond

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 9:33 AM_

theboytommy: TIPS ON ASKING OUT A GIRL???

brianna.buttons: Make bread and bring it to her

smols: Is that your only romantic advice

brianna.buttons: Idk it’s worked half the times I’ve done it

theboytommy: How many times have you done it

brianna.buttons: Twice

brianna.buttons: But now we’re coming up on three years of a very healthy and committed relationship so

glue: She’s talking about me btw (Hi Bria! ♡)

brianna.buttons: Yeah I highly recommend the bread (Hi El! ♡)

theboytommy: Well then

theboytommy: Smalls lets get this bread

smols: Why am I involved in this

theboytommy: Well idk how to make bread so you have to help me

smols: I’m not helping you hook up with someone you manthot

theboytommy: Youre just helping me make the bread obviously I’m asking her out myself

smols: Still a hard no

theboytommy: Ill give you a dollar

smols: Lets get this bread

theboytommy: Lets get this bread

 

**the frogs scream at midnight**

_TUESDAY 9:46 AM_

_theboytommy changed group name to lets get this bread_

funky_little_lesbian: What is that name

theboytommy: Operation MJB (Make Joey Bread) is a go

smols: Im at work Tommy

theboytommy: Operation MJB will be a go when you get off of work

funky_little_lesbian: Smalls once set fire to soup and you once set fire to butter maybe I should come supervise

smols: Good plan

theboytommy: Honestly where would we be if we didn’t have Sniper looking out for us

smols: Probably dead

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 1:49 PM_

jackthecowbi: gUys I’m gonna try to follow a Bob Ross tutorial without even close to the right kind of paint or tools which one should I do

theworldisyour_erster: d i m e n s i o n s

jackthecowbi: Alright then

c_morris: Good luck ♡

jackthecowbi: tHanks ♡

jackthecowbi: I’ll keep y’all updated

brianna.buttons: I’m looking forward to this

c_morris: Me too

jackthecowbi: Sorry race I’m not doing dimensions on account of the fact that I hate it

jackthecowbi: And also I don’t have tape

jackthecowbi: I’m gonna do royal majesty

c_morris: Ooh yes

brianna.buttons: No clue what that is, but it sounds cool

jackthecowbi: Should be

theworldisyour_erster sent a photo to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™

theworldisyour_erster: This one right

jackthecowbi: Now that I see it I’m thinking it may be a tad ambitious

jackthecowbi: But we shall see

 

_TUESDAY 2:45 PM_

jackthecowbi sent a photo to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™

jackthecowbi: Here it is

brianna.buttons: HOLY SHIT

c_morris: JACK

c_morris: YOU DID THAT??

c_morris: hOW

jackthecowbi: Bob Ross taught me well

theworldisyour_erster: tHAT TOOK YOU UNDER AN HOUR WHAT

thecoolestguyyyouknow: wHaT tHe HeCk JaCk

jackthecowbi: Idk man it’s Bob Ross

spotconlon: holy fuck jack thats amazing

jackthecowbi: Thanks dude

spotconlon: wow i finally managed to compliment jack without everyone freaking out over the fact that i complimented jack

 

**lets get this bread**

_TUESDAY 6:31 PM_

theboytommy: Where are you guys

theboytommy: If youre not here in five minutes I’m making the bread by myself and no one wants that

smols: Keep your shirt on were on our way

 

**Brooklyn’s Here**

_TUESDAY 7:26_

joeeeeey: Tommy just came by and brought me bread that he made ugh he’s so sweet

joeeeeey: Now we’re sitting on my living room floor eating it and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer

hotshot: Wow relationship goals

joeeeeey: Ahhh he’s so cute

rafaelalala: Hows the bread

joeeeeey: Pretty burnt tbh but it’s the thought that counts right

hotshot: Fair

 

**lets get this bread**

_TUESDAY 7:32 PM_

funky_little_lesbian: How’s your date

theboytommy: She’s eating the bread

theboytommy: Probably because she doesnt want to hurt my feelings

theboytommy: Anyway were watching buffy the vampire slayer

funky_little_lesbian: Awwww

theboytommy: K gotta psych myself up to ask her out by the end of the episode

 

_TUESDAY 9:06 PM_

theboytommy: I DID IT

theboytommy: IT TOOK NEARLY TWO HOURS BUT I FUCKING DID IT

 

**Brooklyn’s Here**

_TUESDAY 9:07 PM_

joeeeeey: HE ASKED ME OUT

joeeeeey: AHH

hotshot: What did you say

joeeeeey: I SAID YES OBV

rafaelalala: ONE day and you have a date hOW

joeeeeey: Who knows

rafaelalala: Youre living in a fanfiction jo

 

**theboytommy and joeeeeey**

_TUESDAY 9:27 PM_

theboytommy: Hey I had a rlly fun time tonight :)

joeeeeey: So did I! (and thanks for the bread)

theboytommy: Haha np

theboytommy: Just so were on the same page you thought the bread was terrible right

joeeeeey: It was ,,slightly overcooked

theboytommy: Lets be real it was burnt to a crisp

joeeeeey: Okay yeah

joeeeeey: But I really appreciate the gesture!

theboytommy: Anyway when I take you out for real I promise that I will not be cooking

joeeeeey: I look forward to it :)

 

**lets get this bread**

_TUESDAY 9:30 PM_

theboytommy: She said she looks forward to our date!

funky_little_lesbian: Yay!

smols: Get some

funky_little_lesbian: Ignore her

theboytommy: I always do

smols: Rude


	52. succn't

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ WEDNESDAY 10:08 PM _

thecoolestguyyouknow: So who wants to hang out tomorrow starting sometime before 9:30am

theworldisyour_erster: Why so early its fucking summer break

thecoolestg uyyouknow: Because thats when my dad gets home and I have a colossal hickey on my neck that he cannot see

theworldisyour_erster: Oh do you now 

wherefore_art_thou: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

thecoolestguyyouknow: Like idc if he sees it later

thecoolestguyyouknow: I just need him to not see it immediately since apparently no one whos available is willing to get out of bed before noon

wherefore_art_thou: Wait You’ve Lost Me

thecoolestguyyouknow: I was left home alone last night and I wasnt supposed to Do Anything

thecoolestguyyouknow: Having a hickey isnt excellent for my alabi

funky_little_lesbian: Alibi

thecoolestguyyouknow: Whatever you know what I mean

funky_little_lesbian: It’s alibi

funky_little_lesbian: I can’t decide whether to go mock Finch or not

thecoolestguyyouknow: Mock me instead

funky_little_lesbian: Can’t you just cover it with makeup

thecoolestguyyouknow: Proves slightly difficult as I own none and the people in my family who do are out of town

wherefore_art_thou: Doesn’t Your Mom Have Makeup

thecoolestguyyouknow: She does

thecoolestguyyouknow: And is currently out of town with it

theworldisyour_ertser: She took ALL of her makeup

thecoolestguyyouknow: She doesnt have a lot of it

thecoolestguyyouknow: But I can double check

funky_little_lesbian: Any sort of powder that vaguely matches the colour of your skin should be enough

thecoolestguyyouknow: Yeah I got nothing

thecoolestguyyouknow: Someone come punch me in the face Ill say I got in a fight

theworldisyour_erster: Omw

funky_little_lesbian: Maybe it’ll just go away on its own by tomorrow

thecoolestguyyouknow: Cant take that chance

thecoolestguyyouknow: Hold on

thecoolestguyyouknow: b a n d a i d

wherefore_art_thou: But How Would You Get A Cut On Your Neck

funky_little_lesbian: “Sorry dad I was doing the macarena while holding a cleaver”

wherefore_art_thou: Or Turtleneck

theworldisyour_erster: Or just say you tripped and fell

thecoolestguyyouknow: On

thecoolestguyyouknow: My neck

theworldisyour_erster: Uhhh

theworldisyour_erster: Banisters are about neck height right

thecoolestguyyouknow: Do I own any turtlenecks

thecoolestguyyouknow: … 

thecoolestguyyouknow: No

wherefore_art_thou: Wear It With Pride, Whats The Worst That Could Happen?

thecoolestguyyouknow: My parents would never leave me home alone again

wherefore_art_thou: Ah

thecoolestguyyouknow: Which would suck because when else can I watch shows that no one else in my family likes?

funky_little_lesbian: Watch them on your phone

thecoolestguyyouknow: Phone screen small

thecoolestguyyouknow: TV? Beeg

funky_little_lesbian: I think I have eyeshadow that might work as a coverup

wherefore_art_thou: Wear A Scarf And Say You're Cold

theworldisyour_erster: nO

theworldisyour_erster: nECK BRACE

wherefore_art_thou: AND A Scarf

theworldisyour_erster: Or say some hair dye rubbed off on your neck

thecoolestguyyouknow: Wtf why do you keep saying I dye my hair

thecoolestguyyouknow: This is my natural colour

thecoolestguyyouknow: Weve known each other since kindergarten why would I have dyed my hair then

theworldisyour_erster: Awfully defensive there Al

thecoolestguyyouknow: I DONT DYE MY HAIR

thecoolestguyyouknow: Anyway where can I buy a neck brace

thecoolestguyyouknow: Preferably for less than 10$

wherefore_art_thou: You’re So Fucking Extra

thecoolestguyyouknow: Look whos talking

glue: I have concealer

glue: Like if you don’t want to go through the trouble of obtaining a neck brace

thecoolestguyyouknow: Concealer would be very much appreciated

thecoolestguyyouknow: Alternatively I could just scribble all over it in permanent marker

c_morris: Say someone with really tiny hands punched you in the neck

spotconlon: remove the skin problem solved

thecoolestguyyouknow: Cant argue with that

KittyKat: If you’re allergic to something, you could rub that all over your neck so the hickey is covered with a rash.

jojo_delaguerra: Pour burning hot water on it

Sarah_Rose_J: Or just fucking suck the rest of your neck and make it all red

illegally_blind: You could also remove the neck itself

thecoolestguyyouknow: Thanks everyone youve been no help whatsoever

thecoolestguyyouknow: But it had been very entertaining so I guess thats a win 

 

_ WEDNESDAY 11:54 PM _

yaboy_les: Wow I can’t believe I was today years old when I learned that some dude died from a hickey bc it caused a blot clot that blocked the circulation and gave him a fatal stroke

yaboy_les: Moral of the story: succn't


	53. Sixty Lizards in a Human Suit

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_THURSDAY 12:06 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Hey whatever happened with the soap opera that is your family life rn

KittyKat: I’m assuming Lucy is still in Paris, and we haven’t gone bankrupt yet so I guess the girl she’s with isn’t out to get us after all?

KittyKat: I don’t know, I’m trying not to get more involved than I have to be.

KittyKat: How are Sniper and Smalls?

Sarah_Rose_J: They’ve been making hearteyes at each other all day

Sarah_Rose_J: It’s kind of infuriating

Sarah_Rose_J: You could cut the tension in here with a knife

KittyKat: Okay, step one: Acquire a megaphone.

Sarah_Rose_J: I like where this is going

KittyKat: Wait until they’re standing beside each other, run up to them, and yell “JUST KISS ALREADY!”

Sarah_Rose_J: Because nothing kicks off a relationship like a little public humiliation!

Sarah_Rose_J: Also what happened to your ‘at least try to let them work it out on their own before meddling’ stance

KittyKat: Yeah, I got three hours of sleep last night. Maybe don’t take my advice right now.

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_THURSDAY 2:34 PM_

spotconlon: i kind of want to dye my hair what colour should it be im currently taking suggestions

jackthecowbi: Blond

spotconlon: absolutely not

jackthecowbi: I will give u 50$ to dye all ur hair blond

spotconlon: you dont have fifty dollars

jackthecowbi: I will get 50$ and give it all to u to dye ur hair blond

spotconlon: okay im currently taking suggestions from anyone other than jack

Sarah_Rose_J: Blond

spotconlon: im currently taking suggestions from anyone other than jack and sarah

wherefore_art_thou: Blond

spotconlon: im currently taking suggestions from anyone who doesnt suggest i dye it blond

thecoolestguyyouknow: Frosted tips

spotconlon: im no longer taking suggestions

 

 _THURSDAY_ _3:55 PM_

spotconlon sent a photo to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™

spotconlon: my cat is a fucking icon everyone look at her

spotconlon: that will be all

jackthecowbi: dUDE your cat is fuckin adorable

theworldisyour_erster: Okay I know I see her like at least once a week but 

theworldisyour_erster: Ahh she's such a good little gremlin

glue: Asdkdladslkhjlk I love your cat

brianna.buttons: Ahhh I love

wherefore_art_thou: Babey

KittyKat: She’s adorable! I love her! 

jackthecowbi: Whats her name

spotconlon: missy its short for missile launcher

 

**louisevauclain and KittyKat**

_THURSDAY_ _7:49 PM_

louisevauclain: You’re Joe and Lucy’s sister, right?

KittyKat: I am indeed.

louisevauclain: The seventeen year old one?

KittyKat: Yes, why?

louisevauclain: I presume you’ve heard the rumours that my father is trying to bring down yours?

KittyKat: Yes, I assumed those were just rumours?

KittyKat: Unless you’re trying to tell me something?

louisevauclain: The rumours are true.

louisevauclain: And I was supposed to get information on your family by getting back together with Joe, but that obviously didn’t work out, so I tried a different tactic, but now I legitimately really like Lucy, and my father wasn’t crazy about me being bisexual anyway, and now he’s really mad at me.

KittyKat: That sure is a situation.

KittyKat: How did my life come to this?

louisevauclain: I think if anyone should be asking that question, it’s me.

KittyKat: True, but everyone’s coming to me for relationship advice all of a sudden.

KittyKat: Like, first it was my best friend, then it was Lucy… 

KittyKat: It’s pretty much just him and Lucy.

louisevauclain: Anyway, I was thinking I could make up some stuff about your family that sounds like it could be real to tell my father, just to get him off my back for a while.

KittyKat: Tell him my father is actually a lizard.

KittyKat: No, SIXTY lizards in a human suit.

louisevauclain: Somehow, I don’t think anyone would believe that.

KittyKat: You would be surprised. My aforementioned best friend is partially convinced my dad is a snake.

KittyKat: Maybe because his boyfriend offhandedly said he’s a snake, and he took that literally.

louisevauclain: Maybe he’s a were-snake.

louisevauclain: Human by day, snake by night.

louisevauclain: Speaking of night, it’s two in the morning here.

KittyKat: Are you guys still in Paris?

louisevauclain: Yeah, I think we’re going to stay until we absolutely have to be back.

louisevauclain: Or until my dad cuts off my credit cards, whichever comes first.

louisevauclain: Anyway, yes, we are still in Paris.

KittyKat: Okay, well you should sleep.

louisevauclain: Good idea.

KittyKat: I’ll message you if I think of some good lies!


	54. This is what happens when Race and Albert have limited supervision

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**  

_FRIDAY 1:54 PM_

theworldisyour_erster: Come to walmart if you want to partake in a shopping cart race with Al and me

KittyKat: That’s a terrible idea.

KittyKat: I’ll be there in twenty minutes.

Sarah_Rose_J: I will also be there

thecoolestguyyouknow: Guys

thecoolestguyyouknow: I found lettuce

theworldisyour_erster: yOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

brianna.buttons: At least have the lettuce fight outside

thecoolestguyyouknow: Not only that well also pay for it

brianna.buttons: sO responsible

brianna.buttons: I’m sO proud of you

theworldisyour_erster: DUDE I FOUND CLEARANCE LIQUORICE

thecoolestguyyouknow: FUCK YEAH

theworldisyour_erster: Wait oh my god

theworldisyour_erster: Its called the John ordered too much liquorice sale

thecoolestguyyouknow: Pics or youre lying

theworldisyour_erster sent a photo to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™

theworldisyour_erster: This is 100% real

thecoolestguyyouknow: All hail John from Walmart

brianna.buttons: Why are you guys texting each other if you’re together?

thecoolestguyyouknow: Hey its a big store Bria

theworldisyour_erster: And I don’t think anyone would appreciate it if we yelled across ten aisles

thecoolestguyyouknow: We may be chaotic but were still respectful of other people

brianna.buttons: Said the boys who are about to ride shopping carts around as fast as they possibly can

thecoolestguyyouknow: Only until security makes us leave

brianna.buttons: sO rEsPoNsIbLe

c_morris: Jack Davey and I are also coming

theworldisyour_erster: Davey? thats surprising

c_morris: It’s probably just so that he can stand on the side and shake his head at us tbh

thecoolestguyyouknow: I can't believe i used to think you were responsible

c_morris: Lmao why would you think that

thecoolestguyyouknow: I guess because you’re polite

c_morris: Polite≠responsible

c_morris: Exhibit a: the time Jack and I threw glitter in Snyder’s office via the air vents in grade 9

jackthecowbi: Lmaoo that was wild

theworldisyour_erster: Honestly name a more iconic duo

theworldisyour_erster: No offence Davey

djacobs: I take no offence in not being part of a troublemaker team.

djacobs: I mean, I love you both, but you’re going to need someone to bail you out of jail sooner or later.

jackthecowbi: True

c_morris: Right we all need a partner in crime, but what use is that if we don’t have a get out of jail free card

djacobs: But I’d like to apologise in advance if my job at the time doesn’t cover it.

djacobs: Because, you know, minimum wage. 

djacobs: The economy.

jackthecowbi: Alright lets crash some shopping carts!


	55. Love Island

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ SATURDAY 8:56 PM _

KittyKat: What has my life come too.

jackthecowbi: ?

Sarah_Rose_J: We’re watching love island

KittyKat: It’s been an hour and literally nothing has happened.

jackthecowbi: Whats love island

Sarah_Rose_J: A reality tv show where people who just met eachother have to couple up and the last couple there wins money

jackthecowbi: Not to brag but I’ve never heard of it

KittyKat: That was definitely a brag.

brianna.buttons: I just looked it up and I have to say Kath, I’m disappointed and surprised

djacobs: Wait, it was Sarah’s idea to watch this, right?

KittyKat: It wasn’t, but let’s just say that it was.

c_morris: Davey has the most disappointed look on his face right now

c_morris: And Jack please come back to the couch

jackthecowbi: Not until the scene is over

djacobs: It’s over and it wasn’t that bad. There wasn’t even that much blood.

c_morris: No it was that bad

djacobs: Yeah, it was bad, sorry.

KittyKat: What are you guys watching?

jackthecowbi: A documentary about giraffes

djacobs: Rhinos.

jackthecowbi: Same thing

djacobs: There was a scene where a rhino gets eaten, and Jack had to leave the room.

Sarah_Rose_J: EW david

jackthecowbi: rt

c_morris: rt

djacobs: You’re both ridiculous, and Sarah, shut up.

Sarah_Rose_J: You shut up

djacobs: Go back to watching Sex Isle.

Sarah_Rose_J: It’s called LOVE ISLAND and you know it

KittyKat: I mean, I’m not really seeing the ‘love’ part.

KittyKat: I’d much rather watch the rhinos.

djacobs: THANK YOU.

KittyKat: That isn’t saying much.

c_morris: Kath and Sarah I’m literally going to come crash your date I can’t take much more of this

c_morris: You’d think I’m joking but I’m already in the car

djacobs: Wait, MY car??

c_morris: Yeah? who else’s would it be?

jackthecowbi: Crutchie please take me with you

c_morris: Maybe if you hadn’t run away

jackthecowbi: Please

c_morris: If you can make it here in ten seconds then sure

jackthecowbi: There’s no chance of that happening

c_morris: Okay then bye

djacobs: You just stole my car.

c_morris: Technically it’s not stealing if you gave me the keys

djacobs: What if I didn’t give you the keys?

c_morris: You told me where they were

djacobs: Wait, do you even have a license?

c_morris: It’s fine

djacobs: What do you mean ‘it’s fine’?? It was a yes or no question!

c_morris: YES

c_morris: Assuming you can drive alone with a learner’s permit

djacobs: You can’t.

c_morris: Then I guess what I’m doing right now is a crime

c_morris: Kath what's your address 

KittyKat: Are you texting while driving?

c_morris: I’m at a stop sign rn it’s fine

KittyKat: I expected this kind of thing from Jack, but not from you.

jackthecowbi: rUde

c_morris: So I really just forgot that stop signs don’t change like lights do

KittyKat: Are you drunk or something?

c_morris: Maybe

KittyKat: Okay, that explains it.

djacobs: Let me get this straight: You are driving a car that is by no means yours, you’re possibly drunk and you do not have a license, it’s almost dusk, and you’re texting while driving.

c_morris: Ahaaha yeah

jackthecowbi: Ur my hero  ♡

c_morris: Aww babe ♡♡ You’re my hero too

djacobs: I literally can’t tell who’s the bad influence here.

djacobs: And Kath, I’m surprised you’re not more concerned.

KittyKat: I would be, but we’re about to find out who Kyra’s going to pick.

Sarah_Rose_J: I think it’s going to be cowboy guy

KittyKat: I say Cashew.

jackthecowbi: The guys name is cashew

KittyKat: No, but I don’t know what his actual name is, so I just call him Cashew.

c_morris: Davey can you open your door please I’m outside

djacobs: Thank you for returning unharmed.

djacobs: And the door is unlocked.

c_morris: I’m not actually drunk that was a joke

jackthecowbi: It was a weird joke and I think u scared Davey half to death

c_morris: Sorry Davey ily ♡

djacobs: I love you too. ♡

KittyKat: WHAT.

KittyKat: IT JUST ENDED??

Sarah_Rose_J: Yeah they do that to get you to watch more

jackthecowbi sent a photo to Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™

jackthecowbi: We’re all back together and no ones dead :D

KittyKat: Jack, can we focus on my problem here?

KittyKat: WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?

wherefore_art_thou: What The Hell Is Happening

Sarah_Rose_J: Katherine is beginning the downward spiral into the reality tv fandom

wherefore_art_thou: Rip Kath

Sarah_Rose_J: rt

jackthecowbi: rt

c_morris: rt

KittyKat: Someone take cable television away from me.

jackthecowbi: Thats a summer mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off a real life experience in which I am Katherine.


	56. An Academic Discussion About Clone-Fucking

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_ SUNDAY 11:23 PM _

spectacles: Important question: Would you fuck your clone?

jojo_delaguerra: I’m ace so absolutely not

theboytommy: I’m not gay but I would actually totally fuck my clone

finch_cortes: i’m gay, but i would not fuck my clone because that’s weird

jackthecowbi: I don’t want to fuck my clone because my self loathing is THAT strong

finch_cortes: you good there bro

jackthecowbi: I’m great thanks for asking

thecoolestguyyouknow: Id totally fuck my clone because I want to know if Im good in bed

mushmeyers: I’d fuck my clone because who knows how to fuck ME better than ME?

wherefore_art_thou: I’d Get My Clone To Do All Sorts Of Weird Things To Me That I’d Be Too Embarrassed To Ask Someone Else To Do

spectacles: This question session is cancelled, thanks everyone for your answers

smols: Clone fucking has always been my fantasy tbh

Sarah_Rose_J: It’s basically the same thing as masturbating right? So no big deal

djacobs: It’s not the same thing as masturbating; it would be like having sex with an identical twin. I wouldn’t fuck my clone because that’s gross and all kinds of wrong.

wherefore_art_thou: Hey Don’t Be Clonesexualphobic

glue: I would not fuck my clone becuase what if my clone is evil

theworldisyour_erster: Not only would I fuck my clone, i’d make a bunch of clones and have sex with all of them all at once because thats how pro clone fucking I am

theworldisyour_erster: And Romeo I don’t think it would be clonesexual I think it would be autosexual

wherefore_art_thou: Well No Because Being Attracted To Your Clone And Being Attracted To Yourself Are Different

theworldisyour_erster: How though

wherefore_art_thou: I Don’t Know How To Explain It But It Is

wherefore_art_thou: Being Attracted To Yourself Would Be Like Masturbating And We’ve Established That That’s Different

wherefore_art_thou: Davey Back Me Up

djacobs: I’d rather not get involved.

theworldisyour_erster: But your clone is yourself so you’d be attracted to yourself

thecoolestguyyouknow: Then clonesexual would be autosexual and clonesexualphobia would be called autophobia but that would be an irrational fear of yourself

theworldisyour_erster: Autosexualphobia

wherefore_art_thou: Homosexualphobia

theworldisyour_erster: That still makes sense though it’s just longer to say

KittyKat: Technically, ‘homophobia’ just means ‘fear of the same’ or something along those lines, but now we just automatically associate it with being prejudiced towards gay people. If we coined the term ‘autophobia’, people would eventually just associate it with being prejudice towards clone-fuckers.

Sarah_Rose_J: You’re so smart kath I love you ♡

KittyKat: ♡♡♡

KittyKat: Wait, even when I’m talking about clone-fucking?

Sarah_Rose_J: Totally

theworldisyour_erster: Okay so you’ve all heard of clone fucking

theworldisyour_erster: Now get ready for

theworldisyour_erster: Clown fucking

spotconlon: oh i do that all the time

theworldisyour_erster: Wait what

theworldisyour_erster: Wait

spotconlon: just take a second

theworldisyour_erster: Oh

theworldisyour_erster: HEY

jackthecowbi: Get rekt race

c_morris: Okay it appears this discussion hasn’t quite gone off the rails just yet but I wouldn’t fuck my clone because that would be cheating on Jack and Davey

theworldisyour_erster: That’s your only moral objection to clone fucking

c_morris: I’m not giving you any more info about my stance on clone fucking

theworldisyour_erster: Smart move

brianna.buttons: I just read through all these messages and was immediately filled with regret

glue: I would be concerned if you weren’t

glue: So would you fuck your clone

brianna.buttons: Hell no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can expla— I can't explain.


	57. Do it for the Vine

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teen™**

_MONDAY 5:17 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J: Remember when there was only like ten people in this chat

theworldisyour_erster: Remember when there was only nine people in this chat because Al does

thecoolestguyyouknow: Shut the fuck up not everyone is a math genius like you are

theworldisyour_erster: Being able to count to ten = math genius

KittyKat: That is so true.

jackthecowbi: rt

jackthecowbi: One time in middle school race dragged me to math club and I almost cried

KittyKat: Me when Sarah tries to explain science to me.

jackthecowbi: So I made him come to art club with me and he was pissed because he couldn’t draw hands

theworldisyour_erster: THERES JUST SO MANY LINES

jackthecowbi: Congratualions race you’ve captured my pain perfectly

KittyKat: Congratualions.

jackthecowbi: One! two! three! four! everybody makes mistakes!

Sarah_Rose_J: Tbh that’s such an underrated vine

jackthecowbi: Lets go around the room and say our favourite vines

KittyKat: What room are you referring to?

jackthecowbi: The metaphorical room that contains this chats chaos

jackthecowbi: Anyway I’ll go first 

jackthecowbi: For obvious reasons my favourite vine is I wanna be a cowboy babey 

Sarah_Rose_J: Mine is Put. Gerard. Back.

c_morris: Mine is the “I just got a random burst of energy” one because mood

djacobs: “Fuck this shit, I’m out.” *jumps in garbage can*

djacobs: Because that’s what I want to do every single time I talk to one of you.

jackthecowbi: Aw come on u love us

spectacles: Mine is the guy doing back handsprings and kicking the Krispy Kreme sign

thecoolestguyyouknow: Dyou wanna come over and like vape

finch_cortes: dude i’m vaping with brian today

thecoolestguyyouknow: wE aLwAyS vApE oN tUeSdAyS

finch_cortes: that #relationshipgoals moment when you quote vines together

glue: Yo Bush? 911? Not cool love your accent though

brianna.buttons: Hey Greg’s mom is this weed? No Ryan, that’s a fork rYAN

theworldisyour_erster: Hey guys i’m really sad

brianna.buttons: Is that a vine or are you actually sad

theworldisyour_erster: Yes

wherefore_art_thou: This Chicken Is Almost As Juicy As My Ass

Sarah_Rose_J: Okay everyone romeo is cancelled

wherefore_art_thou: Really

wherefore_art_thou: For That

wherefore_art_thou: That’s One Of The Tamest Weird Things I’ve Ever Said And I Didn’t Even Come Up With It Myself

Sarah_Rose_J: I can’t hear you romeo you’re cancelled

wherefore_art_thou: Well Then I Guess I Can Just Say Whatever I Want And It Won’t Matter

wherefore_art_thou: I Killed A Man Yesterday

Sarah_Rose_J: Y’all hear sumn?

KittyKat: “That awkward moment when you’re scrolling through someone’s old Instagram photos, and you accidentally comment the entire Declaration of Independence.”

KittyKat: It’s just occurred to me that I have no idea how to spell independence and rely entirely too much on autocorrect.

jackthecowbi: And just minutes ago u were making fun of me for not being able to spell congrtualtions

KittyKat: Congrtualtions.

jackthecowbi: sTop

 

_MONDAY 7:14 PM_

finch_cortes: sniper, explain

funky_little_lesbian: What

finch_cortes: explain to everyone what you just said to me

funky_little_lesbian: So we’re walking home and I stepped on a worm and I hate worms

funky_little_lesbian: And Finch knows I hate worms so he laughed at me 

funky_little_lesbian: So I said I would take a dandelion and shove it so far up his ear canal that it touches his brain

finch_cortes: and you said this would be?

funky_little_lesbian: The ultimate prank

finch_cortes: so me going deaf is the ultimate prank

funky_little_lesbian: Come on you’d only be half deaf at worst

KittyKat: One time I made Connie really mad, and she said she’d punch me so hard I’d need another nose job.

KittyKat: I don’t know why she was under the impression that I’d had a nose job in the past.

thecoolestguyyouknow: Sisters am I right

thecoolestguyyouknow: Seriously am I right I dont have any

KittyKat: Oh, I thought you were calling us ‘sisters’ for a second.

funky_little_lesbian: uH OH SISTERS

finch_cortes: sniper you’re banned

funky_little_lesbian: From what?

finch_cortes: idk

finch_cortes: life

funky_little_lesbian: Sounds like a good deal to me


	58. f i n a l l y

**djacobs and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 8:22 AM_

djacobs: Where are you? You don’t usually leave for work this early.

Sarah_Rose_J: I wanted to go to starbucks

djacobs: You do realise you left an entire mug of coffee on the counter, right?

Sarah_Rose_J: I didn’t like that coffee

djacobs: So you didn’t think to do anything with it?

Sarah_Rose_J: I didn’t want to pour it down the sink that’s wasteful

djacobs: I mean, you could have given it to me. 

Sarah_Rose_J: Well you can have it if you want

djacobs: It’s cold now, I don’t want cold coffee.

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 8:27 AM_

djacobs: Do you guys know what I hate? When people leave their dishes everywhere.

theworldisyour_erster: Why do I get the feeling that this directed at someone

Sarah_Rose_J: It’s no worse than putting your dishes in the sink and leaving them there for the rest of the day

djacobs: Yes, actually, it is.

Sarah_Rose_J: Either way they’re not getting cleaned

djacobs: At least putting them in the sink means they’re all together and not scattered around.

Sarah_Rose_J: Shut up loser

Sarah_Rose_J: Fun fact if you say shut up loser you automatically win the argument

djacobs: No, you don’t.

Sarah_Rose_J: Shut up loser

 

**smols and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 6:18 PM_

smols: hhhhhhhhh

Sarah_Rose_J: Tell me everything

smols: So were walking home from work right and right before i walk into my building she leans in and kisses my cheek

smols: Like I know she was just being friendly but I think my heart is about to explode

Sarah_Rose_J: Has she ever done that before?

smols: No

Sarah_Rose_J: So she literally kisses you and you’re convinced she only sees you as a friend

smols: Yeah she said she likes someone else

Sarah_Rose_J: Did she say who?

smols: No

Sarah_Rose_J: Dude

smols: Oh my god im someone else

Sarah_Rose_J: Yeah no shit sherlock

smols: Well hOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW??

smols: I gotta go talk to her

 

**KittyKat and Sarah_Rose_J**

_TUESDAY 6:20 PM_

Sarah_Rose_J sent a photo

Sarah_Rose_J: iTS FINALLY HAPPENING

KittyKat: You’re just… sending me screenshots of your conversations with other people?

KittyKat: But also: !!!!

 

**funky_little_lesbian and smols**

_TUESDAY 6:23 PM_

smols: Hey can we talk

funky_little_lesbian: Sure what’s up?

smols: So today you kissed me on the cheek

funky_little_lesbian: What is this a history documentary?

smols: Sniper do you like me

smols: Like like me like me

funky_little_lesbian: You just said ‘like’ way too much

funky_little_lesbian: But uh

funky_little_lesbian: Yeah

smols: Coolcool

smols: Fun fact I like you too k bye

funky_little_lesbian: wHAT

funky_little_lesbian: COME BACK HERE

funky_little_lesbian: You know what, I know where you live and I’m coming to your house

smols: For what that sounded ominous should i be scared

funky_little_lesbian: Either to murder you or ask you out, I’ll decide on the way

 

_TUESDAY 6:35 PM_

funky_little_lesbian: Okay I’ve decided, it’s the second one ♡

smols: Thanks i appreciate it

funky_little_lesbian: Wow you’d think my future girlfriend would show me a little more compassion

smols: ♡

funky_little_lesbian: Well that's a start ♡

 

**lets get this bread**

_TUESDAY 6:52 PM_

smols: Yo Tommy

theboytommy: Yeet whats up

smols: Sniper do you want to tell him or should i 

funky_little_lesbian: Alternatively neither of us could tell him and we leave him to wonder about it forever

theboytommy: Leave me to wonder about what

smols: Let’s have him try guessing

funky_little_lesbian: Ooh this should be fun 😈

theboytommy: Ugh why cant you guys just be nice and tell me

smols: Its like youve never met us before

theboytommy: Okay fine i’ll guess

theboytommy: Someone died

funky_little_lesbian: No

theboytommy: Someones pregnant

smols: You could literally not be more wrong

theboytommy: One of you finally got your shit together and asked the other out

funky_little_lesbian: Yes!

theboytommy: Now I can be the awkward 3rd wheel whenever we hang out how wonderful

funky_little_lesbian: We could have double dates w/ you and Joey

theboytommy: Well i’m the awkward 3rd wheel in this gc

smols: Add her

theboytommy: Bro weve been on like 2 dates were not even close to that point in the relationship

smols: Ok well sniper and I are going to have some alone time now if you get my drift

funky_little_lesbian: ;)

theboytommy: Yeeticus skeeticus i’m out

 

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_TUESDAY 11:43 PM_

theworldisyour_erster: I just experienced… a Thought™

thecoolestguyyouknow: Thats a first

theworldisyour_erster: Fuck the hell off

theworldisyour_erster: Anyway I was thinking if Davey is our mom does that make Jack and Crutchie our dads

thecoolestguyyouknow: Wow deep

theworldisyour_erster: And i’ve had another thought

thecoolestguyyouknow: Which is?

theworldisyour_erster: Toes are fuckin weird

jackthecowbi: U should go to bed son


	59. Don't bring Jack to your holiday galas

**Twenty-Two Edgy Teens™**

_WEDNESDAY 1:32 AM_

KittyKat: My youngest sister had a nine year anniversary party for One Direction the other day.

KittyKat: Apparently she doesn’t realise that they broke up.

KittyKat: She says they’re “on indefinite hiatus”, bless her.

djacobs: My brother was apparently involved. I'm thinking about disowning him. 

theworldisyour_erster: What that sounds like such a good time why wasnt I invited

KittyKat: I am literally going to kill you. 

theworldisyour_erster: Sounds fun what day works for you?

KittyKat: Sunday, and I'm bringing Cool Aid.

theworldisyour_erster: Ooooo kat thats too soon (also its kool aid with a k)

KittyKat: Forty-one years? (Fuck you.)

c_morris: Compromise I'll murder you both when you least expect it

spotconlon: ill bring the cyanide

KittyKat: Please don’t murder me.

KittyKat: Actually, please do, because then I won’t ever have to pay taxes.

spotconlon: kit are you aware that thats literally the funniest fucking text ive ever received

spotconlon: it might just be because its late but still

KittyKat: Wow, these nicknames just keep evolving.

jackthecowbi: Am I allowed to called u Kit

KittyKat: No one else is allowed to call me Kit, only Spot.

spotconlon: i feel special

jackthecowbi: I just don’t get it I justdontgetitijustdontgetit

jackthecowbi: Spot I can’t believe ur stealing my best friend

spotconlon: and i cant believe youre best friends with your ex

Sarah_Rose_J: Oooooh he went therrrrreee

jackthecowbi: It was like literally a few weeks it doesn’t really count

KittyKat: Our relationship didn’t count? I’m hurt.

jackthecowbi: Wait no I didn’t mean it like that

KittyKat: I’m kidding, don’t worry.

jackthecowbi: Yeah we just kind of pretend it never happened we basically got it annulled

KittyKat: And yet, you’re still talking.

theworldisyour_erster: Ok guys it's late lets sleep

theworldisyour_erster: f o r e v e r

 

**jackthecowbi and KittyKat**

_WEDNESDAY 3:09 PM_

KittyKat: Would you be so kind as to be my date to a really important dinner my father is making me go to this weekend?

KittyKat: I would ask Sarah, but the guy is homophobic and my dad wants to ‘make sure I’m safe’ which I’m pretty sure is code for ‘make sure I don’t ruin the family name’, so I can either go alone and be bored, or bring a date who isn’t a girl.

jackthecowbi: How do u put up with that man

KittyKat: He means well.

jackthecowbi: Does he though

KittyKat: So, can you come?

jackthecowbi: Don’t ur parents kind of hate me

KittyKat: Yes, they like Sarah better than they like you.

KittyKat: I actually think they like Sarah better than they like me.

KittyKat: But you came to the New Year's Eve gala, and it went pretty okay.

jackthecowbi: Do I have to dress semiformally again?

KittyKat: ‘Again’? You showed up in a hoodie and ripped jeans! Hence the ‘pretty okay’.

jackthecowbi: “Semi: partly; in some degree or particular. Ex: semiconscious”

jackthecowbi: Tell me I wasn't semiformal Kath

KittyKat: Not one piece of clothing you had on was even remotely formal, but alright.

jackthecowbi: I haD A TIE

KittyKat: A VELCRO TIE, YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON.

jackthecowbi: IM SORRY AGAIN BUT IT WAS WORTH IT BEING ABLE TO DRAMATICALLY RIP IT OFF AT MIDNIGHT AND U CAN  N E V E R CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE

KittyKat: I honestly just liked putting it on baby Phoebe.

jackthecowbi: Lmao yeah that was the best part of the whole night

jackthecowbi: Whose baby was that again

KittyKat: It was Phoebe Hearst Cooke.

jackthecowbi: ?

KittyKat: George and Blanche’s daughter.

jackthecowbi: Whomst?

KittyKat: Bill’s niece.

jackthecowbi: I don’t know who any of these people are

KittyKat: Bill from the group chat?

jackthecowbi: Ohhhhh right

KittyKat: So, can you come?

jackthecowbi: Sure but I’ll warn u now I’m gonna wear a tank top and cargo shorts

KittyKat: Forget it, you’re uninvited, I’m asking Davey.

jackthecowbi: No please I want the free food

jackthecowbi: Blease,, I’ll be good

KittyKat: Fine, you’re un-uninvited.

jackthecowbi: 🤠

KittyKat: Here’s the deal: You’re allowed to wear jeans, but they need to be nice (no rips/stains), and you can wear a flannel shirt, BUT it needs to be buttoned all the way up, and you have to wear a tie.

jackthecowbi: That a lot of rules

KittyKat: Mm hm, there’s also sirloin steak and wine if you follow them!

jackthecowbi: That seems fair

jackthecowbi: But there may be an issue with the tie situation

jackthecowbi: The velcro one is the only tie I own

KittyKat: Yeah, I don’t think anyone will actually care, as long as it’s not obvious that it’s Velcro.

KittyKat: I think half the boys our age that come to these things don’t know how to tie a tie on their own.

KittyKat: Or do, like, anything else on their own. 🤣

jackthecowbi: Lmaooo

KittyKat: So yeah, you’re way ahead of them in terms of stuff like walking more than one block to places.

KittyKat: And also anything regarding tools.

jackthecowbi: Thats nice to know

KittyKat: One time Darcy tried to put a chain lock on his bedroom door, and I pushed the door open, and the lock just came off with it.

KittyKat: Like, I love him to death, but honestly… 

KittyKat: Anyway, you can come, yes?

jackthecowbi: Wait when is it?

KittyKat: Oh right, I guess knowing that would help! It’s Saturday at 6:30pm. Come to my place at six, and we’ll all drive over together.

jackthecowbi: Half an hour in a car with ur dad sounds like sO much fun

KittyKat: It’s a limo, we can make him sit far away.

jackthecowbi: Wow fAncy

jackthecowbi: Thisll be a great time

KittyKat: It sure will be a time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! ♡
> 
> rEmEmBeR tO lIkE aNd SuBsCrIbE!
> 
> \- Petunia xoxo


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